Snake Eater!

Plot Synopsis:   The Snake Eaters are an elite division of the Marines especially trained for search and destroy missions. This actioner chronicles the exploits of one of them who has become a cop. Known as a tough loner, he returns to find the band of backwoods bad-guys who killed his parents and abducted his sister.

First off I must let you know two things.  One everything you are about to read it true.  I have not exaggerated any of this.  And two, this film is not a comedy!  It was made to be a serious action film, and to showcase Lorenzo Lamas as a leading action star.  This was his first action film, he had only done Grease (yes that Grease) and Body Rock. 
  Lamas is Soldier!  A bad ass former Marine from an elite unit called The Snake Eaters, hence the title.  Well now he a cop, and hes on undercover work trying to buy drugs.  See he's in a ghetto apartment while two plain clothed police officers sit outside in front of the building waiting for him.  Yes right out front, in an unmarked car.  They don't wait in the building across the street or watch with binoculars or anything.  They even order a pizza while they sit outside listening to him sing Kumbia over the wire, then talk about going blind from masturbation from boredom. Well before the mobsters show up, they send in a very ugly girl who looks like UFC fighter BJ Penn with a bad weave in to make sure hes not wired.  She does this by having him take off his clothes.  Then they have sex, while the two cops giggling are laughing, and having a coronary like they have never heard anyone having sex before.  The mobsters come in, just as Lamas pulls up his pants but before they even try to sell, or make a buy, it was never really explained.  He pushes a button on the floor and nails pop up sticking them to the floor.  As the ugly girl runs out she get caught in a net.  How long was this guy waiting to have set up all these elaborate traps.  Well when the other officers finally show up they tell him hes on suspension.
  Meanwhile Lorenzo's parents, and sister are traveling in there boat down a swamp.  Not sure why there traveling down a swamp.  Well the boat brakes down and suddenly 4 hillbilly's invade. They kill the mom and dad, but keep the sister to breed with her.  See they are inbred, and they have been inbreeding for so long there brother, or cousin, or father, or whatever decides he wants a real son.
  So Lamas is riding down the highway on his Harley when a kid playing kicks a ball in front of him.  He spins out of control, hits a dirt mound and back flips through a table at his favorite biker bar.  I have no idea why.  Once there he gets into a fight with a biker gang.  He does manage to beat them up with the worst looking series of punches on film.  When hes done the cops come to tell him his family's boat was found burned, and his sister is missing.  They have no leads, so he goes to town to look for them.
  Once there he goes to a marina where, ohh no, the evil inbred hillbilly's show up.  They make a few derogatory remarks about his sister when he shows them her pictures so he starts fighting them.  They eventually get the better of him, but the old man who owns the marina yells "Hows this for a surprise boys!" then drives his Harley off the dock and into the water.  Yes you read that right.  Then the guys daughter shows up with a gun and breaks the whole thing up.  Seeing as how they have no clue who Lamas is they tell him to stay the night at there house.  He does, obviously he needs a break from looking for his missing sister already.
  When he wakes up, he finds they have taken his Harley apart and combined it with a Jet Ski!  It looks pretty cool actually.  SO he goes out into the swamp to look for his sister, when he gets about 1 minute in he crashed the jet ski, and finds his dads hat.  Two things, why does he keep riding things?  He keeps falling off of them, and two what the hell was that hat made of that it didn't burn?
  So while hes wandering around, the father and daughter from their marina show up to help him.  There not much help as the father is killed pretty much as soon as we see him.  So Lamas sets up some of his patented marine traps.  None of them work as the hillbilly's grab him and the girl.  Rather then kill them though, they do some elaborate James Bond Villain Hillbilly Style death plot.  They tie them up, stuff them in separate sleeping bags, and hang them from a tree.  That way the water will drain from there body and they will die.  Luckily for them the one hillbilly that stays to guard them gets horney and trys to have sex with the girl.  She escapes and stabs him.
  Now the music turns more up tempo as Lorenzo decides to dress up in his official Snake Eater T-Shirt.  Really its a t-shirt that says Snake Eater!, he also puts on a bandanna and gets his Rambo style knife.  He rigs the hillbilly boat so when one of them starts it it blows up.  He makes his way to there home, but the second he gets there he steps in a bear trap.  Here's a note, this is not how you build a strong action star.  One of the hillbilly sisters, who want to kill Lorenzo's sister because shes jealous her brother is going to breed with her instead of her, try to shot Lamas, but luckily Lamas's sister stabs her in the back with a big sea shell.
  Lorenzo then battles the hillbilly's and wins.  He hugs his sister and the music slows down.
  We then find his singing Kumbia again as he has ben reinstated and is on a stakeout with the same cops trying to catch a arsonist.  The arsonist is played by Horshack from Welcome Back Kotter.  He ties Horshack up, fills a balloon with some kind of chemical and stars swinging it over a candle.  So Horshack freaks out and confesses to all his crimes while the cops outside, yes there sitting right outside again, luckily none of these criminals ever seem to notice them just sit shaking there heads.
  Once again this was not made to be funny, but it sure as hell is hilarious too me!  Believe it or not it had 2 sequels.  Yes, two.  In another shocker, you can get this on DVD.  I recommend you do, as it is soo bad its entertaining.  Check it out!

Overall 2 out of 5 Stars!

Bounty Tracker

Plot Synopsis: Almost the whole staff of a tax consultant office is slayed by a team of professional killers, only Paul Damone can escape. He didn't know that his partner used to wash gangster Louis Sarazin's money and had to testify as chief witness against him. Paul's brother Johnny, best bounty tracker of Boston, visits Paul to protect him, but can't prevent that he and his pregnant wife are targeted by the same team. Now Johnny's out for revenge.   

 Lorenzo is back with a vengeance in Bounty Tracker.  So if you haven't guessed by the title he's a bounty hunter, or bounty tracker if you will.  He's Johnny Demone.  The best hunter in the business.  In one of the strangest opening scenes in film history he impersonates a nerdy Englishman to gain entrance into a hip hop bar.  Shouldn't he have been acting like a gangsta?  Well he has a flask that when opened is really a smoke bomb (yes I'm serious) he yells "fire" and everyone runs out, well everyone except for the criminal he's after.  He must have been watching the guy for a long time to know he would be the only guy to not run out of the building.  After beating the crap out of the guy and his bodyguard the cops show up instead of the firemen and arrest the guy.  That's how we learn he not really a sissy Englishman, but a bounty tracker.
  Unfortunately Lorenzo's brother works for an accounting firm who has been helping a mobster launder money.  When the firm decides to turn over the evidence Matthias Hues, the quintessential strait to video bad guy of the 90's and his team of mercenaries walk in and kill everyone, except Lorenzo's brother who runs out the back door.  Well luckily for Matthias Mr. Lama's brother is being guarded by the worst precinct in LA, as they just take him back to his house.  Yes his house, with his pregnant wife, not a safe house or anything, just his house.  But don't worry 3 cops are guarding him.  Yes 3, even though the hit squad after him just took out an entire office building.  Just about this time Lorenzo shows up for a visit.  And wouldn't you  believe that so does the hit squad, who after dispatching of the Keystone Cops kill Lamas's brother, and pregnant wife.  But not Lorenzo, he beats down and kills one of the baddies, and sends the other's running in fear.  Well not really they just leave after they pop his brother.  They knew Lorenzo was there, so obviously they are the dumbest hit squad alive as they leave behind a witness, who killed one of their team members.
  So as you can guess Lorenzo swears revenge and goes after Hues and his team.  Luckily for him he noticed a snake and knife tattoo on the guy he killed, and even more lucky, even though this is a team of mercenaries who have been around sense Name, they guy happened to get his tattoo in LA, right where Lorenzo is staying.  Talk about luck of the Irish.  So Lamas finds a crippled Latino with the same tat who tells him he used to work for Hues, and it was Hues who crippled him when he wanted to leave the gang.  Sidebar, Hues is a moron, he keeps leaving behind witnesses.  Luckily for him the cops in this town are morons.  This crippled guy now spends his time helping young men get out of gangs, or something like that.  But Lorenzo does learn that Hues studied Korean Martial arts, just blocks from where he is.  Boy for a mercenary Hues didn't leave LA much did he?
  So Lamas goes to this Dojo, and beats the crap out of everyone.  Then the evil sense comes out, we know he's the sense because his uniform is a different color, and we know he's evil because he has a cheesy mustache.  I have to admit this is one of the better fights I have seen in films.  While Lamas is doing this, Hues goes to the crippled Latino guys house and kills him, and as hes leaving the thug kids the old man helps see a guy with a ponytail leaving, and assume its Lamas.  Even though Hues is a blond, where as Lamas has dark hair, and Hues is about 1 foot taller, and 50lbs heavier.  Oh well if they were smart they wouldn't need an old man to mentor them in gang life gone wrong.  So they decide to go after Lamas, even getting the drop on him.  But he just tells them he didn't do it, and they believe him, proving they are the most trusting former gang members in history.  So they decide to help him.
  So Lamas armed with his 3 gang stooges go off for the final battle in an abandon junk yard.  As you can guess Lamas, and Hues have your typical 90's martial arts final battle.  This is no spoiler, as Lamas kills him, avenges his brother and gets the 100 thousand dollar bounty.  He then gives a cut to the gang kids and decides to hang around and help them out.  Which is good, because he obviously can make a fortune here, as the cops had been looking for Hues for years, and Lamas tracked him down and killed him in like 2 days.  That, and if a mercenary team is so stupid, the common criminals must be real morons.
  With all that said I really do dig this film.  Great fight scenes, cool 90's straight to video cast, and a good pace make this a great watch.  The only drawback is the reformed street gang kids.  They added nothing to the story, and in fact dragged it down in the scenes they were in.  Other then that though its a fantastic film, that I recommend watching.  It does not yet have a DVD release, but you can get the VHS from Amazon at a really cheap price.

Overall 3 out of 5 Stars!

Final Round

Plot Synopsis:  After a recruiter sees him winning a bar fight, Tyler Verdiccio is kidnapped and thrown into an abandoned arena and forced to fight for his life!

Ok, lets start Lamas Week off strong with one of my favorites.  Final Round.  This is a cross between Running Man, and Most Dangerous Game.  More so Most Dangerous Game, as Running Man was basically a rip off of that.  Lorenzo stars as Tyler Verdiccio, a name the would make Sylvester Stallone proud, who as the film starts out is kickboxing some guy in a gym.  Not sure why, obviously he does this on his lunch break as he cleans up and goes back to his job of fixing motorcycles.  As hes working on his bike Kathleen Kinmont, his wife at the time pulls up, says something stupid about her bike not running then tells him to meet her at a bar later that night.  See Kinmont was in everything he did when they were married.  4 of his films, and his TV show renegade.  She was the 80's version of Sherri Moon to his Rob Zombie.  Kinmont however didn't look like a 60 year old crack whore. 
  So he goes to the bar beats down some guys hitting on her, takes her back to his house and after banging her gets knocked out and kidnapped by some thugs.  See she was video taping him beat up those guys, and now he is being forced to fight for his life in a game like Running Man where hunters armed with weapons chase him down.  Turns out Kinmont is a real moron, as shes kidnapped too and forced into the game, so is some black dude.  Yes we all know the black dude is just there to die. 
  This game is being ran by a mobster of some sort, who has angered another mobster.  So obviously the guy starts betting on Lamas to win, and boy does he ever.  He beats the crap out of everyone who crosses his path, be it man or woman.  No one can stop Lamas! He uses spin kicks faster the Van Dam, punches harder then Chuck Norris, and his pony tail is better then Steven Segal's.
  It's never really know why the mobster wanted Lamas.  I guess Kinmont just saw him once, and was too lazy to check out other potential victims.  She just picked him.  Then got double crossed for reasons never explained.  Actually nothing was really explained, but hey it's the old hunt the guy down for sport film, so no explanation needed.  I guess she saw his ponytail and assumed he was a bad ass.
  Sure there have been other films like this, Surviving the Game had a great cast.  Hard Target had the best action sequences.  The Pest was definitely the funniest hunt the guy for sport film.  But this is the best.  Low budget to the extreme.  I compare it to Running Man because I think the producers had about $1.98 to spend on sets, so they bought the boxes the Running Man sets came in and used them.  That would explain the horrible lighting.  But it doesn't matter its a ton of fun.
  Unfortunately this film does not have a DVD release, but it did have a VHS, and still shows on Cinemax once and a while.  Highly Recommended.

Overall 4 out of 5 Stars!

Who is the Great Leading Man We are Revewing This Week???

  As I have said before, this actor has appeared in all types of films.  Musicals, Action, Horror, Science Fiction, Drama, and Comedy.  He has starred in the small screen, as well as the big.  He is a scholar, and a gentelman.  Most people think he is going to be Johnny Depp, Robert Deniro, Edward Norton, or even Robert Downey Jr.  But you all wrong.  This is Lamas Week!!!

So get ready Lamas Week begins shortly!

Tekken

Plot Synopsis: Jin Kazama witnesses the death of his mother Jun by Tekken in the slums known as Anvil. After finding a Tekken ID he decides to seek out vengeance for his mother's death.

Ok, I mentioned the other day I could not  finish this film so I watched Showdown instead.  Well I felt I owed my loyal, readers something so I went back and finished it.  It sucks.
 The acting sucks, the music sucks, the plot sucks, the cinematography sucks, the fight scenes suck, even the set pieces suck.  To sum it up this films sucks!  Don't buy it, don't rent it, don't watch it on cable, avoid at all costs.  Did I mention it sucks?

Overall: 0 out of Five Stars.

I wish I gave reviews in the negative digits, because this one would get it.  It sucks!

A Very Special Announcment

Starting on Monday September 12th I will be covering a very special actor for the entire week.  This is a man, who has done it all.  Drama, Action, Musicals, Science Fiction, Horror, Comedy.  He's a star of the small screen and the big screen.  If you can guess who this great Thespian is post your reply here!

Not Of This Earth

Plot Synopsis: A science fiction vampire movie. The Vampire is an emissary from an embattled world near destruction who teleports to Earth to see if they can live here 

Traci Lords, before she started trying to be a real actress, and found the shit out of Jesus she was hot.  Ever notice when people go crazy they get ugly?  Not that being a porn star at age 15 is normal, but still.  Well when the world found out Traci's films were all basically kiddie porn she used that publicity to make a real movie......well kind of.  That brings us to Not Of This Earth.
   Produced by the great Roger Cormen, World centers on a vampire from outer space who teleports to earth to see if our blood is compatible with his people.  It is, but only if its administered via transfusion.  Truth be told I don't think they had the budget to buy vampire teeth.  So he hypnotized a Doctor to help him get blood from the transfusion center.  Traci Lords play's the doctors nurse.  First off she might have been hot at this time, but there is no way she is believable in this part.  She looks like way too much of a whore, and sorry Traci, but way to dumb to ever be a nurse. She was on Melrose Place for a few episodes years later and still couldn't act.  Somehow, this complete and utter bird brain with big boobs figures out the vampires evil plans, well I'm really not sure if he had any.  They never got that deep in the plot.  But we are to assume he is evil.  She stops him using her wits.  Yes wits, it would have been better the other way.  Sidebar: You see Traci's boobs in the film.  After this picture she vowed never too be exploited like that again.  She must have prayed so hard she forgot she was a porn start just 8 months prior to this.  See she becomes his personal nurse, and one night when she's stumbling around his mansion she find's a door that leads to his world.  She doesnt go in or anything, she just figures it all out.  Personal nurse, see another porn element wasted.
  Don't get me wrong the film might be crap, but it is entertaining.  I liked it more when I was a kid, because I could say I saw Traci Lord's boobies.  Now as an adult I think I figured out why she got the part.  This film cost only about two hundred grand too make.  So I think Roger Cormen (who I am a huge fan of) figured she still new some people in the porn business, and they could get him deal on set's.  This film feels like a porn.  Bad acting, dumb plot, low budget.  They should have just had the vampire come down the the blood bank and say "I need some blood, but I need it specially transfused" cue the porn music. Traci comes in and says "I have all the plasma you need" and they go at it.  But then this wouldn't have played in theatres if they did that.  Come to think of it it probably only played in 3 theatres, so  the porn aspect would have made it more profitable on home video.
  I know I am really running this down, but you should give it a shot, especially if you like old school Sci Fi films.  This is almost like a parody of the ones from the 50's.  It will definitely give you a laugh.  Shout Factory has acquired the rights to the Roger Cormen library, and released a cool DVD transfer a few months back.  I actually recommend giving this a look.

Overall 2 out of 5 Stars!