Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Hatchet II

Plot Description: Marybeth escapes the clutches of the bayou-butcher Victor Crowley and returns to the swamp with an army of hunters and gunmen, determined to end Crowley's reign of horror once and for all.

Every once and a while you see a film that blows you away, it changes the way you think and just grabs you in a way that’s hard to explain.  Hatchet 2 is not that film.
  Director Adam Green, who is on the fast track to becoming the American Uwe Boll returns with a follow up to 2006 Hatchet.  The film pick's up literally when part one ended as Swamp Disfigured madman Victor Crowley has just dispatched of a group of tourists.  Of course one has gotten away, otherwise there wouldn’t have been a part 2.  Just typing that makes me wish she had died.  Daniel Harris, who in my opinion is pure death on screen escapes from the swamp, and returns to New Orleans where she learns her family has ties to Victor Crowley.  See Crowley is disfigured and looks like a very low budget Tiny from Devil Rejects because his dad was sleeping with his moms nurse, and when the mom died she came back from the dead for like 2minutes to put a curse on the unborn child of the nurse.  The lady died when she had this unborn mutant.  So the dad and son lived alone in the swamp until one day a bunch of townsfolk (why is it always townsfolk, why can’t these people live in a culdisack or something) set the house on fire.  When the dad tried to take a hatchet to the door he hit his son in the head killing him.  Years later the dad died, and the son came back looking for him.  Shouldn’t the dad have looked for the dead son?  And much like all deformed killers he has spent the last 10 years of his life working out by bench pressing alligators or something because his very big.  All killers are big.  You think that would slow them down when they have to chase people.  They must have good cardio. So anyone who came to the swamp was massacred by Victor Crowley.  Turns out that Daniel Harris's dad was one of the kids who set the fire.
  So she goes to Tony Todd, of Candyman fame to ask for help.  See he's a voodoo guy, or something that send people out in boat turns to the area of the swamp Crowley lives in.  I assume the cops in New Orleans are too busy to realize people on his tours keep coming up missing and let him operate his voodoo shop in the middle of downtown.  Also it’s not like it’s the whole swamp this guy haunts.  Just a small part.  It’s not like you have to go there to fish or hunt or anything.  It's a swamp, just stay away.
  Harris convinces Todd to gather up some bounty hunters to track down Crowley.  But Todd has other intentions.  If Harris’s dad is killed he will break the link to Victor Crowley thus ending the curse.  I guess that means he will look human, or die, or disappear, or something.  When the group arrives they are of course picked off one by one, in various low grade deaths.
  AMC pulled this from theaters after 1 day.  They said it was because it’s too extreme.  That’s true.  Extremely boring, extremely awful, extremely stupid.  It’s like everyone in the film had a bet going to see who could be the worse actor.  They all win!
  Sure it has gore, but it's very low rent.  Troma produces higher quality crap then this.  Luckily it was poorly received so with any luck we won’t see a part 3.
If you’re looking for something to watch and there’s nothing else on, or available to you, take a nap, clean your house, and draw pictures of stick figures.  Anything will pass the time better than this good awful piece of crap.

OVERALL 0 out of 5 Stars

1 comment:

  1. Worse than a Troma film... wow. If that's not a supreme stamp of DISAPPROVAL, I don't know what is.

    I will avoid this movie. Like the plague.