Monday, November 7, 2011

Top 10 Best Action Films

I love action films.  They are probably my favorite type of film.  Unfortunately the good old USA doesn't make allot of good ones.  So you may notice a heavy Asian influence on this list.  And I will start off by saying, no one, no one, can do action like the great John Woo.

10.) Rapid Fire: Brando Lee proves hes better than his dad, yes I do really mean that, as he must defend himself from Mobsters, and crooked cops who are out to kill him

9.) The Crow: Brandon Lee again makes the list.  This time he plays a dead rock singer who comes back to avenge the murder of himself, and his girlfriend.  Fantastic dark comic book film, that sadly was Lee's last role.  He died during filming.

8.) The Killer: John Woo, the godfather of action films presents the tail of a hit man who is double crossed by his employers, and must team up with the cop who's after him.

7.) Death Race: The new Death Race, with my personal favorite tough guy, Jason Statham.  Not a remake, but a re-telling.  Statham is framed for the murder of his wife, and sent to a prison where they broadcast Death Race.  Which is exactly what it sounds like.  A race to the death, in cars equipped with weapons

6.) Hard Target: John Woos first American film, which stars Jean Claude Van Dam.  In this JCVD plays a Cajun, being hunter for sport by Lance Henrickson.  Out of this world Slow motion action scenes make this a must see.

5.) Rumble in the Bronx: The film that made Jackie Chan a house hold name in America.  Jackie comes to New York, which looks just like Canada in this film to help his uncle out in his grocery store.  Once there the store is terrorized by a biker gang.  Non stop action and stunt work.

4.) Transporter 2: Jason Statham does what Denzel Washington tried to do in Man on Fire, only better.  He must save a boy he has ben hired to drive to school, when the kid is injected with a deadly strain of virus.  Car chases, gun fights, amazing chase scene with a jet ski on a free way, and non stop martial arts action

3.) Drive: Not the new film with Ryan Gossling, no this stars Marc Decascos, Britney Murphy, and Dwayne Wane from a Different World.  Decascos stars as man with a chip inside him that can enhance his reflexes.  Hes on the run from hit men who want the chip.  This features the best martial arts fight scenes in film history.

2.) Face Off: John Woo returns with the best action film ever made in America.  John Travolta, and Nicholas Cage star as two men who trade faces. A revolutionary medical technique allows an undercover agent to take the physical appearance of a major criminal and infiltrate his organization.  Both actors get a chance to play the hero and villain.  This has some of the best choreographed action scenes in film history.

1.) Hard Boiled: John Woo does it again.  This time an undercover agent teams with a street tough cop to bring down a ruthless criminal organization.  This is every action fans wet dream.  Over 2 hours of gun fights, chases, explosions, you name it.  Sliding down stairs with firing two guns is amazing to watch here.  The ending features a 20 minute plus shoot out at a morgue, that must be scene to be believed.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Top 10 Best Kids Films

Starting today, through next Sunday it will be Top 10 Week here at Big Kahuna Movie Reviews.  As many readers know I have a two and a half year old son.  Because of this I watch a lot of kids movies.  It's cool though because most of them are fantastic.  Hell, theres a few that really tug at the heart strings.  I had to fight back the tears in a few of them.  So here I present the top 10 Best Children's films

10.) Lady And The Tramp:  Every one knows this story.  Rich Cocker Spaniel meets a stray mutt, and they fall in love.  Its as good today at age 37, as it was when I was 5.  It's a fantastic film.  But the words Disney, and Fantastic go hand in hand.

9.) Up: Ok, the 1st 20minutes of this film is incredibly depressing.  But once you get past that its a very funny and heartwarming film about an old man named Carl who rigs his house with balloons so he can float off to Paradise Falls.  Unfortunately for Carl a little boy named Russel who's trying to get a Scout Badge.  Together they encounter Bad Guys, Talking dogs, and a giant Skype named Kevin.

8.) Toy Story: When Andy is not around his toys come to life.  Tom Hanks is Sheriff Woody, and he becomes very jealous when Andy's new toy Buzz Lightyear, voiced by Tim Allen comes to live with them.

7.) Monsters Inc.: Billy Crystal and John Goodman provide the voices for Mike and Sully.  Sully is the top scarer for the Monsters Inc. Company.  A company that uses children's screams to power their world.  When Sully accidental brings back a little 2 year old girl named "Boo" back to their world he soon learns that scaring kids is not a good thing.

6.) Toy Story 2: This is a great film, especially if your a toy collector such as myself.  Woody get stolen by Big Al from Big Al's Toy Barn and is going to be sold to a museum in Japan.  Its up to Buzz and the rest of the toys to save him.

5.) Monster House: This is an awesome cartoon about a house that is haunted by the ghost of the owners dead wife.  Anyone who gets close to the house gets eaten.  As Halloween is coming up, and there will be Trick or Treaters everywhere.  DJ, Chowder, and Jenny, three kids from the neighborhood, team up to stop the house.  This has fantastic voice work by Jason Lee, Steve Busemme, Kevin James, and Kathleen Turner.

4.) How to Train Your Dragon: Hiccup is a young Viking, who is absolutely horrible at everything.  His village is raided by dragons on a daily basis, and one night he manages to capture a Dragon Fury who he names Toothless.  He let's it go, and the two become friends.  This is just a beautiful cartoon.  I must admit it is very touching, and almost brought my wife to tears twice.  I didn't cry but I did get choked up.

3.) Toy Story 3:  Andy is all grown up, and going to college.  So when Woody, Buzz, and the rest of the toys feel like they are no longer wanted they end up at Sunny Side Daycare.  Problem is the daycare is run by Lotso Hug 'N' Bear, who is as evil as they come.  Woody, must save Buzz and the rest of the gang, great escape style.  This is actually the first animated film my son watched.  He loves it.  He has Toy Story toys, clothes, stuffed animals, pajamas, plates, cups, chairs, you name it.  This film had me fighting back the tears towards the end.  My wife couldn't fight them back.  She cried.

2.) Despicable Me: Gru wants to steal the world and be the worlds greatest Super Villain.  So with the help of his Minions, which are weird hot dog shaped yellow things that speak gibberish, he adopts 3 little girls to help him achieve this.  Only thing standing in his way is another new villain named Vector.  This is probably the funniest animated film I have ever seen.  I laugh my ass off every time I watch it.  Nothing really here to tug the heart strings, just a great animated comedy for kids, and adults

1.) The Iron Giant: This is without a doubt, in my opinion the best children's cartoon ever made.  Its set during the cold war and centers around a little boy named Hogarth Hughes.  He finds a giant alien robot voiced by Vin Diesel, and decides to befriend him.  He keeps the giant hidden, as the government is looking for it to destroy, as they believe its a weapon.  The boy and the robot become friends, but eventually the government finds them both.  I wont lie.  I could not hold the tears back during this one.  No one can.  I am getting choked up thinking about the end of the film.  I wont give it away though.  Just buy it.  It's like 10.00 at Amazon.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Reform School Girls

Plot Synopsis: Jenny is sent to a women's reform school. It is run by evil warden Sutter and her henchwoman Edna. Jenny will stop at nothing to escape but she also has to deal with Charlie the bully 

 There are two types of film lovers out there.  Ones who don't like to think when they watch a film, and ones who do.  The later would consist mostly of idiots.  If you want to think, read a book.  If you don't, watch Reform School Girls.  The best women in prison film ever made.

Reform School Girls is the story of Jenny, a girl who gets sentenced to Reform School for being involved in a shoot out when her boyfriend tries to rob a warehouse, or some type of building.  Not important.  See the robbery, shoot out, and court scene only takes about 2 minutes total, then off to Reform School.  Once there Jenny, and a few other new girls have to go and get washed down, as to make sure they don't have any body lice.  Full frontal nudity baby, and were only 4 minutes in.  See, thinking if for morons. 

We are then introduced to Edna, the fat, lesbian head of the ward who keeps the girls in line.  One of the new girls is named Lisa.  She's not all there, but hot, and carries around a stuffed bunny.  It belonged to her now dead brother.  See she got sent to reform school because she ran away from her foster parents, after they locked her and her little brother in a hot box, and her brother died.  I bet you didn't know you could get locked up for running away.  Shouldn't her foster parents have gotten sent to jail, and she could have went to a new family? Ohh well.  Edna doesn't let her keep her stuffed bunny, and eventually lights it on fire.

Around this time Jenny runs into Charlie, played by Plasmatics lead singer Wendy O Williams.  Here lies my only problem with this film.  Wendy has probably the nicest set of boobs this side of 80's Adrian Barbeau, but she looks 40.  Come to think of it she was 37 years old at the time of this film.  What the hell kind of crime did this bitch commit?  Most people get out of reform school when they turn 18, or worst case scenario 21.  Well Charlie, and her girls run the unit, and get special privileges from Edna.  That's mainly because Charlie sexually pleasures Edna.  Jenny, and Charlie don't get along so a cat fight ensues.  Lots of cat fights take place.  So do lots of shower scenes.

Jenny, and the new girls have to see the schools shrink, who trys to help them.  Jenny tells her of all the horrible things that are taking place.  Personally I think she should have kept her mouth shut. She could have just kept quiet, and gotten into more catfights in the shower. The girls have to go and do manual labor out in a field somewhere.  This makes no sense.  They just keep raking the same piece of dirt for hours.  But its cool, they get nice and hot in the sun, and have too cool off.  They find a cat, and Lisa names it after her dead brother, and sneaks it back to the dorm.  Too bad Edna finds it and stops it to death.  Also while they are working in the hot sun, getting nice an sweaty Jenny hits on the guy who drives them there.  He tells her to meet him in his truck after light out, and he will help her escape.  She goes to his truck, and they have, wait for it, 80's style sex.  Music, quick shots, and lots of boobs.  When he's done he tells the guard shes in the back, and she gets busted, then tortured by Edna.  Meanwhile Lisa cant take the death of her cat, and her stuffed animal for that matter and dives off the tower in the yard killing herself.

  Jenny can take no more, and decides to inform the shrink of everything going on, and agrees to testify in court against the reform school.  Shame Edna finds out and hoses her down until shes basically catatonic, and cant talk.  But don't worry just as the hearing against the warden starts Jenny breaks out and leads all the other girls in a full scale riot.  Edna tries to stop them with a shot gun, that must have come from another planet, as she fires 37 shots without ever reloading.  By this time Charlie has had her fill of Edna, steals a bus and runs it into the tower Edna is standing on and kills her.  We then see Jenny getting released while some fresh young things are going in.

Once again, I love this film.  I loved it when I was 12 because, I was 12, and it had boobies.  I have loved it ever sense.  Whats not to like? I mean this was fantastic.  I mean even the girls reform school outfits were slutty looking.  We got to see these girls shower so much, none of them were ever too dirty.  They fought, with plenty of hair tossing around.  And the soundtrack was mostly done by Williams, who I was always a fan of.  I showed it to my wife back when we were dating, and she even had a good time watching it.  Hell I watch it at least twice a year if not more.  You have to check it out.  Unless you want to think.  If that's the case watch Citizen Cane, just remember, that film has no boobies.

Overall 4out of 5 Stars.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Tuff Turf

Plot Synopsis: A new kid at school must battle a vicious gang when he falls for the leaders girlfriend

  It's ben a few weeks sense my last review, so I thought I would review an old favorite of mine from the 80's  Tuff Turf!  Forget that Sixteen Candles, and Weird Science crap, this is where its at.  Sex, violence, sleaze, and a bad guy who looks like David Hess's son.  Oh yea, it stars James Spader, and Robert Downey Jr.

  Tuff Turf centers around Morgan Hiller, played by James Spader.  He comes from a rich family, who for one reason or another, are now poor.  See his dad lost his job, and they had to move to the hood.  They never said what his dad used to do, but now he's a cab driver.  Which brings me to wonder, could his dad not have gotten a cab driver job back where they lived before?  So Spader rides around the seedy parts of town at night on his 10 speed bike, guess his dad sold his car, when he stumbles across Little David Hess's gang robbing some old guy.  Morgan breaks it up and peddles off, so he can go home and get some sleep before his first day at a new school.  See where this is going yet?

Well when he peddles into his new school, who do we see also attends?  Yes David Hess Jr.'s gang.  Hess Jr. is actually Nick, the leader of a tough street gang that runs the school.  Not much of a gang.  he just has three other members, and his smoking hot 80's slut style girlfriend.  So Morgan meets Robert Downey Jr in class and the two become best friends.  Downey even invites Morgan to see his band play later that night.  As the two BFF's are leaving Nick and his gang spray paint Morgan, and smash his bike.  Morgan doesn't seem to care as he's busy staring at Nicks slut Frankie.  Bad choice in names.  I went to school with a girl named Frankie.  She was a fat bag of yeast.  Ugly as a CHUD.  But this chick is hot.

So later Morgan steals a car and drives off to see Downey's band play.  In a cool twist, all the music is from Jim Carrol Band.  Can you guess who shows up as well?  That's right Nicks gang.  They don't see Morgan at first, as hes busy dancing with Frankie.  80's dancing baby.  You know where everyone is dancing completely in sync.  Well they grab Morgan, beat him down, and steal his car.  Problem is, he stole the car in the first place, so Nick and his gang get pulled over and arrested for car theft.  This was just a dumb scene though, as nick and his boys already had a car. 

Seeing as how Nick and his boys are sitting in jail, Morgan decides to start romancing Frankie.  He picks her up in Nicks car, see the guy never should have left it parked by that club, and takes her to a country club, then a jazz bar.  I have to say this was a huge slow down to the film.  It goes on for like 20minutes, and is just very boring.  But the action picks up when Nick and boys trap Morgan in the locker room at school, and beat the shit out of him.  Its actually a cool scene.  they take towels and load then up with locks, then just whip the shit out of him.

Later that night Nick proposes to Frankie, and as he looks like David Hess, she has no choice but to say yes.  So when Morgan finds out about this, he does what any man would do.  He asks her to have dinner with him at his parents house.  Yea, sounds dumb, but its going somewhere,  See Nick and his guys see her there, and when she leaves they ask he to help them rob some shmuck, like they were doing in the opening scene.  She says yes, until the shmuck in question is Morgan's dad.  She freaks out, so Nick and his guys attack.  Well, its not much of an attack.  Morgan's dad actually beats the shit out of all of them until Nick shoots him.   Whoich makes me wonder, if a 50 year old fat guy can beat the crap out of all of these guys, why was everyone afraid of them?

  She calls Morgan from the hospital to tell him what happened, and rather then stay by his dads bedside he takes her home to have sex with her.  80's sex.  You know where you hear the slow music as the girl gets naked, then you see a few random sex scene shots before it fades out and you have to uses your imagination.  Well Nick sees this, which proves he has no life and just sits outside Morgans house and watches him, and flips out.  He beats down Frankie's dad, and smacks the shit out of her as well.  Then he calls Morgan, and tells him to meet him at the warehouse in 20 minutes.  I wonder how Morgan knew what warehouse to go to.

  Anyway Morgan shows up, and the 80's fight ensues, with Morgan holding his own until Nicks gang grabs him.  Just as Nick is going to shoot him, Robert Downey Jr. shows up with two doberman pincher's and evens the odds.  So Nick, and Morgan have, what is actually a cool fight scene that features, swinging from a rope, a board with nails, an axe, a gun, and a fair amount of blood.  Not only does Morgan win, he actually kills Nick, then takes Frankie to the jazz club as the credits play.

  Great film.  Spader was actually a bad ass pretty boy.  Robert Downey is fantastic in everything. Kim Richards, as Frankie cant act, but who cares.  She was hot. And Paul Mones as Nick was effective, based on the fact he looked like David Hess's son.  The soundtrack is good, and I love that fact its not your typical 80's high school film.  Its pretty hardcore in spots.  Highly recommended.

Overall 3 out of 5 Stars!

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Human Centipede 2

Plot Synopsis: Inspired by the fictional Dr. Heiter, disturbed loner Martin dreams of creating a 12-person centipede and sets out to realize his sick fantasy

  First off let me say sorry for the lack of updates.  I pride myself on doing one review daily, but my 2 year old son was sick, and he comes before anything.  Well he started feeling better yesterday so that gave my wife and I a change to sit down and watch Human Centipede 2

  Ok I have to say Human Centipede was a great film.  I covered it a week or so back.  But all things considered it was rather tame.  Tom Six, the Director promised part 2 would make part one look like "My Little Pony".  He had to cut out 18 scenes to even get the film considered for release.  It was banned outright in the UK.  So my wife and I were very curious to see it.

  Human Centipede 2 centers around a God ugly fat, and ugly asthmatic man named Martin who works security, or something like that in an underground parking garage.  He sits around all day watching Human Centipede and writing notes on how to make his own centipede.  Every time he notices someone in the garage he cracks them in the head with a crowbar, duck tapes them and takes them to an abandoned building.  This is actually the only problem I have with the film.  Why was no one ever reported missing, and the last place they were seen was this garage?  I mean he was grabbing people left and right.  Also doesn't anyone there watch security tapes?  He's in plain view of all these cameras.  Oh well.

  When he's not busy watching his Human Centipede DVD, or capturing people he sits at home without his shirt on, which is way nastier than anything else in this films, and gets yelled at by his mom.  he also hears his dead, or just plan gone dad's voice.  But its ok, he has a pet centipede.  See he's so obsessed with the movie, he plans on making his own.  But as he has so much free time on his hands, he wants to link 12 people together.  So throughout the first hour he manages to capture 12 people, and just flat out kill 4 more, his mom included.  That's not a bad thing.  She was a real bitch.  The one highlight from this, is that he convinces Ashlynn Yennie from Human Centipede 1 that she can come to the UK to audition for the new Quinton Tarentino film.  When she gets there he takes here captive as well.

  Well like in the first film, he has to connect everyone ass to mouth, and remove there knee caps, so they can crawl like a real centipede.  Problem is, he's no surgeon, just some nut bad, with a scalpel, staple gun, and duck tape.  So for the next 25 minutes you see him remove nee caps, cut out tongues, staple people ass to mouth, and then if that's not enough he has to feed them.  He does that by shoving a feeding tube down the first girls mouth and filling her with soup, and then some ex lax for good measure.  He wants everyone to poop (Remember I think poop sounds funnier than shit) so bad he gives them all ex lax, and even rubs there tummy's.  I think you can see where this is going.  I don't want to say anymore, because I don't want to give away the ending.  But I will say, you get to see a woman deliver a baby, a centipede in the ass, toungs cut out, and bullets in the head.

  A few thing I must say.  Laurence Harvey did a fantastic job as Martin.  He never speaks.  He simply coughs, grunts, and takes his asthma inhaler.  He cries a few times, but never utters a word.  And he is creepy, and greasy as all hell.  The concept is fantastic, thinking a real nut case could be inspired by a film like Human Centipede and even try to copy it.  The film is entirely shot in black and white.  Which gives it a creepy, yet acid trippy Eraserhead feel.  And yes, it is 10 times more disgusting than part 1.  Does it live up to all the hype?  Of course not, theres no way it could have.  I recommend checking it out.  It's currently playing on In Demand.  I will be waiting for the uncut version, as I have read about some of the things they cut out, and I am curious how may gore shots were cut down.  All in all though a good film, that I highly recommend.

Overall 3 out of 5 Stars!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Blair Witch Project

Plot Synopsis: Three film students travel to Maryland to make a student film about a local urban legend... The Blair Witch. 

 Blair Witch is the low budget film that paved the way for the modern cheap scare films like Paranormal Activity.  As you recall from my past review I hate Paranormal Activity.  I'm not a fan of Blair Witch either.  I saw it in the theatre and thought it was kind of cool, so I bought the DVD.  I fell asleep and was never able to watch it again.

  3 Stupid film students go in search of The Blair Witch.  See years ago, 1940 actually some crazy old guy kidnapped a group of kids, took them to his house, tortured them, then made them stare at a corner, you know like when you put a kid in time out, while one was killed.  He turned himself in and said he was possessed by the Blair Witch.  Cool story, they even meet a crazy lady who says she met the witch.  Once again, I am sick of townsfolk being crazy.  Someone one day will make a movie where the townsfolk aren't brain dead rapists. 

  Anyway these 3 annoying kids, who do nothing but say "fuck" every other word meet a hunter who tells then the woods are haunted.  As this guy looks like a mouth breather, they camp in the woods.  See if it was a normal intelligent member of the town they probably would have stayed away thus preventing the next God Awful 50 minutes.   And I do mean awful.  They hear noises, so they yell and cuss.  Then the next day they walk around cussing more.  That night they hear more noises, and continue to cuss.  Then they find some stick figures, and cuss.  That night, they cuss again.  They walk around more while they cuss. 

  Then something happens, kind of.  The one guy disappears.  They cuss about that.  So then the girl cry's and cusses into her camera.  She then hears noises, and cusses again.  They think they hear the missing guy and run to a house.  They split up, while cussing and when the girl goes into the basement she sees one guy with his back to the wall in time out, and her camera drops, she screams, the end.

Don't get me wrong, I have a filthy mouth.  But come on, profanity is basically the only dialogue you hear.  They walk around just like Lord of the Rings, going nowhere.  And obviously I'm not the only person too hate these kids.  They were gone for like 5 days and no one bothered to come looking for them. The handheld gimmick wears thin fast, and you start to get motion sick after a while.  And all and all I just hate the girl so much, I got even madder when I didn't see her die.  I guess the only good thing that came out of this was the parody scene of the girl in the woods in Scary Movie.  Don't bother with this.  Just film a friend of yours walking around there back yard yelling "Fuck" and you have this film.

Overall 1 out of 5 Stars!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Last House on a Dead End Street

Plot Synopsis: After being released from prison, a young gangster with a chip on his shoulder decides to punish society by making snuff films 

 You know, I've seen Last House on a Dead End Street quite a few times in my life.  Ive always wondered if it was the most artistic horror film ever made, and just a cheap, vile piece of filth.  I watched it again today, and really studied it.  I came to the conclusion that it's somewhere right in the middle.

  House is about a lowlife named Terry who is fresh out of prison.  He talks about giving away so much of his life.  In all actuality he was sentenced to one year.  He decides he's going to make movies.  Different, dangerous films.  Harder than porn.  To do this though he needs a crew.  he gets his old pal Ken who works at a slaughterhouse.  During this narration you see a cow getting killed.  See Ken spent some time in the crazy house for having sex with a cat.  You don't see this, although it would have probably been more entertaining.  See lots of this film is done in narrative form.  Something I am not that big on.  Anyway he also goes and gets a couple of whores, well junkies actually and a guy named Bill to be his camera man.  They learn about a porn producer who films weird sex stuff for rich people, and go to check it out.

  The party is actually a girl in a gimp mask getting whipped by a hunchback.  Not very sexy, at least not in my eyes.  So this porn producer hooks up with Terry, who tells him they are going to do something real different and dangerous.  See Terry wants to make snuff films.  You know real people being really killed.  But they do them in a weird way.  They have a guy tied up, two girls make out with him, then Terry puts on a giant Zeus looking mask and choked the guy to death.  We then find him banging on of the girls and telling her it looked real because it was.

  Our producer shows up on set only to get tied up while Terry, wearing his giant mask has a girl tied but.  She gets branded, then killed.  Well now our producer knows this is real, so rather than kill him Terry forces him to direct another film..  He runs off so they kill him.  Then all at once we see a girl tied up on a table.  She gets her face sliced up, leg sawed off, and her intestine ripped out with pliers.

In another weird scene a girl unzips her jeans to reveal a horse hoof or something sticking out of her pants, and a guy is forced to blow it.  He then gets taken out with a power drill.  Then suddenly you hear narration saying that Terry and his group were apprehended and taken to the state pen.

Wow, sounds weird right?  It is.  It is low budget beyond belief.  Like imagine if you and 5 guys went to an abandoned building with a super 8 camera and made a film.  That's what this looks like.  It is nasty.  Bloody killings, and tons of nudity add to the sleaze factor.  Also the other thing it has going for it is the legend factor.  See this is one of the most sought after horror films ever.  It was long thought lost and only very crappy VHS copies were floating around.  Barrel Entertainment did a fantastic job of putting out a 2 disc DVD set a few years back, with interviews, tons of extras, and even a booklet.  Problem is that's long out of print now as well.  This film, sells for over $100.00.  Should you buy it?  I cant in good faith recommend spending more than 20.00 for it.  Its cool, and sleazy, but artsy and cheap.  A very weird blend.

Overall 2 out of 5 Stars!

Monday, October 17, 2011

Black Roses

Plot Synopsis: Demons hypnotize the general public by posing as a rock and roll band.

  Ahh the 80's, a time of horrible hairband music, ugly cloths, and very cool straight to video movies.  Black Roses is one of those films.  In all actuality this film should suck.  But it's really good.  I first saw it on the old USA Up All Night show.  I then went out and bought the cool VHS tape with the 3D cover.  Then a few years back Synapse Pictures released a gorgeous DVD transfer.

  Black Roses centers on a Heavy metal band named  Black Roses.  Their lead singer is Damion.  A typical 80's glam metal band.  By typical I mean crap.  big hair, sissy vocals, Spinal Tap reject back up players, ugly outfits, the whole nine yards.  Well there music turns people into zombies, or something like that.  They go to a sleepy town to put on a series of shows at the local high school.  The kids are all normal, they even look up to a cool teacher.  We know he's cool because he has a Tom Selleck mustache, and wears jeans to school with his zip up hoodie.    At first the parents, and school board don't want the band playing there, as heavy metal music is evil.  That was a huge taboo around this time.  But when they go to check out the bands first show they see Damion, the singer is dressed nice, and singing slow love music.  For some reason the parents don't stick around, they just go "Ohh this isn't so bad" and leave halfway into the first song.  Once gone our Band pulls a magic trick of some sort and is now dressed in full heavy metal cheese costumes.  They start singing there God Awful music.

  The next day the kids start acting different.  Angry, aggressive, rebelling against authority.  Our one stereotypical Italian kid gets yelled at by his dad for having an earring, and suddenly a giant monster pops out of the stereo speaker and sucks the dad in.  The kids go back to the concert the next day, yes, it's a whole series of crap music, and become further possessed by evil.  One kid runs his mom over with a car, another kills her abusive step dad, and also the girlfriend of our hero teacher.  The principal gets thrown out the window.  And in one very weird, but amusing scene a girl seduces her freinds dad by playing strip gin rummy.
  Just as our hero is about to spring into action, one of his students shows up to sexually entice him.  She's pretty hot, and gets naked.  When he pushes her away she tuns into a weird looking cross between a demon, zombie, and that hot thing from Splice.  It's not much of a demon, as he beats it to death with a baseball bat.

So he finally decides he has to take the band out, and goes to there concert.  As everyone is in a trance he starts dumping gasoline on stage.  Guess he doesn't really like his students, as he must be planning on burning them to death too.  He gets caught, as hes basically 2 feet from our lead singer, who morphs into a demon, along with the rest of the band.  Demon may be too strong.  More like big rubber monster.  Luckily as I said before there not that tough, as our hero starts fighting them off, complete with sound effects after each hit.  Just when all is lost, and our teacher is grabbed he does the dreaded "Kick the rubber monster in the balls" bit and lights the stage on fire, while the band plays.  Which is much cooler then the band playing as the ship went down in Titanic.  Somehow this causes the kids to go back to normal, as they leave the building.

  As this is 80's horror, we cut to the final scene where our teacher, and the mayor are watching TV too learn that the Black Roses will be playing a set of shows in Madison Square Garden!

  Ok, I know this sounds bad.  Truth be told it kind of is.  But it is entertaining.  I hate the music.  But watching a rubber monster get kicked in the balls is funny.  Plus it has good, and bloody scenes, with nudity, so there is something there for the fan of 80's horror.  If you like 80's horror, dig Heavy Metal, or just like cheesy films check this out.  The DVD transfer is fantastic.  If you a child of the 90's you may want to avoid

Overall 3 out of 5 Stars.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

August Underground

Plot Synopsis: Two serial killers go on a murdering rampage as one films the outcome from behind a video camera. One of the most realistically portrayed simulated snuff films ever made 

  Have you ever wanted to find a video tape made by a serial killer?  Have you ever wondered what a serial killer does while he's murdering someone?  If you could see all of this would you?  If you answered yes to any of these, or even no, you should check out August Underground.  It's a few years old, but has not only a rabid cult following, but a ton of controversy.

  August is shot completely POV.  It really is like watching a video tape directly from a killers camera.  Shakey, handheld, grainy, all very believable  It centers around two killers, who have no names.  Well I'm sure they do, they just don't give them.  It opens with our camera man on a farmhouse going into his buddy's basement to check out the girl he has tied up.  They cut off her nipple, and start shoving shit in her vagina.  As sick as this is, it is the best make up work I have ever seen, and I've seen more than I can count.  What makes this so believable is the quick cuts.  Not edits, no just cuts like we see a shot of our killer petting a dog, or clowning around for a few seconds.  This adds heavily to the realism, and sets a grim tone for whats to come.

The killing of a prostitute, murder of two guys from a tattoo parlor, a convenience store killing, and more, are what you are in store for.  I don't want to go into great detail, as I do in my other reviews because I don't want to give anything away.  Granted I just told you what your going to see, but you have to see this film to believe it.  And you will believe it.  No credits, no opening, no ending.  Just the start of a tape, and a cut out at the end.  Some people complained about that.  Those people are true idiots.  The point of this is to make it seem real.  It's not like a killer is going to go on his computer and make DVD menus of his killings, or even try to add plot.  Well maybe he would.  There are a lot of weirdos out there.

  Acting is top notch.  Like I said before make up is the best ever.  If you dig gore you would be disappointed.  If you want to fell slightly dirty you wont be disappointed either.  My only complaint is the amount of talking in the Convenience store scene.  It was slightly laughable, but maybe it was supposed to be.  Killers have a sense of humor too.  If you dont beleive me, my wife has a masters degree in Forensics Pathology, and she agreed it was the most realistic thing she has ever watched. 

  This is the 1st film in a trilogy.  I will review part 2 in the next few days.  I highly recommend this film.  Google it, it has a tone of controversy, some is justified, but at the end of the day it's only a movie.  A movie like no other, but a movie non the less.  You cant get this at Best Buy, or Walmart, but you can get it from Toe Tag Pictures.  Please take the time to check it out and support this company.  Most horror films now a day are remakes, or just flat out unoriginal.  These independent company's are our only hope for a new generation of horror films.  Help them out.  I did, and I recommend you do the same.  I guarantee you wont be disappointed.

Overall 4 out of 5 Stars!

Toe Tag Pictures site

Saturday, October 15, 2011

So sorry/ another list

I hate having a sinus infection. It keeps you from sleeping, makes your head and teeth hurt, and worse prevents you from watching movies. I am feeling better tonight and will post a full review tomorrow but for now enjoy this list. And please respond back with some of your opinions

10 best films ever made
9)The Crow
8)Death Race(statham version)
7)Grandmas Boy
5)Shoot Em Up!
3)American History X

Back tomorrow with a new review

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Toolbox Murders

Plot Synopsis: Ski-masked maniac kills apartment complex tenants with the contents of a toolbox.

  I love old horror films.  By old I mean late 70's early 80's, before the MPAA became censor happy.  The older films had gratuitous nudity, and lots of gore.  Not piles of it like now to make it almost laughable, but gory, bloody killings.  The Toolbox Murders had all of this.

  Toolbox centers around the world stupidest killer.  I say this because he drives around at night looking for victims.  He stops at an apartment complex, gets out of his car, gets a toolbox, and walks past a handful of people.  He enters an apartment, and kills a drunk, ugly woman.  He uses a power drill, and rips her up good.  When he's done he puts on a ski mask,  Yes, when he's finished.  Basically this woman saw him, which I guess doesn't matter as she's dead, but the people he walked by did.  So then with his crooked mask on he walks down the hallway and knocks on another girls door.  When she answers he drags her out, takes her to an empty stairwell and caves her skull in with a hammer.  Pretty blood scene again.  Then our mentally challenged killer picks up her lifeless body, and carry hers back to her apartment.  I have no idea why he didn't just kill her in her apartment in the first place.  Her roommate shows up but is quickly stabbed with a screwdriver.  Our killer, who's ski mask is still on crooked then looks out the window to watch some girls in different apartments dance around by their respective windows.  He then leaves with his ski mask on.  So to recap.  The killer walks around in public and kills one person without hiding his identity, then puts a mask on crooked, kills two more, then leaves with the mask on.  Guess I'm the only person who would be suspicious of a masked guy walking past me in downtown LA during the summer.

  So now the cops show up and interview the apartment manger, who acts surprised, and gives the cops a list of all the old tenants.  So the next night a very attractive red head decides to take a bath.  She must have been dirty, because we watch her clean herself for like 4 minutes.  And yes, shes completely naked.  As she is getting clean she decides to get dirty as well and starts masturbating.  About this time, the worlds most annoying killer, I say that because this was a good scene, shows up with his mask on wrong and mows her down with a nail gun, that is of course after he missed her like 4 times, and has to keep reloading it.  As he's already got his mask on he goes next door and grabs another girl.  He chokes her out, and takes her with him.  He must have ran out of nails trying to kill the other girl.  Well this chicks brother shows up, he lives with her, and knows somethings wrong because there;s a diet Pepsi on the floor.  That, and when they find the body downstairs and his sister is gone, he figures out something is wrong.  So he tells the cops he thinks the killer grabbed her, but they tell him he needs more proof than a spilled Pepsi.  If only she drank Coke.

  Unfortunately here is where the film really slows to a crawl.   As the girls brother looks like a dim witted version of Fred from Scooby Doo he thinks hes a junior detective.  Luckily the cops, and forensic team suck, as when he starts going to these murdered girls apartments, none of them have been cleaned.  So after watching this moron plod around for 15 minutes we cut to an apartment downtown and find our girl tied up and gagged while our killer talks to her while eating a Tootsie Roll pop.  He's nice though, he takes off her gag and brings her food.  In case you want to know the killer is the apartment manager.  You know the guy with access to all these rooms.  I guess the cops didn't think about that.

  The guy makes a good nut job, telling the girl how he cant lose her, and wanting to know what its like for her being tied up.  After about another 20minutes of just talk Fred, or whatever his name is, and his buddy find a tool box and start going through it, when, whats this, in the big swerve Fred's buddy pulls the classic pro wrestling double cross and dowses him with gas, and lights him on fire.  Turns out the killer is this guys family, also turns out this kid is bat shit crazy too as he kills our main killer, after they do battle over a doll in a wedding dress.  He then goes back to rape the girl, and then unties her and lays in bed with her hoping too spoon.  As shes been held captive, and raped, and not happy, and also as shes not tied up, she grabs some scissosr and kills the guy, then just walks down the street covered in blood as the credits roll.

So lets see, who would the biggest idiot here be.  The Apt. Manager, who doesn't know how to properly disguise himself before murdering someone.  His idiot family member, who after raping a girl he has captive keeps her untied to cuddle with her.  Fred from Scoob Doo as he doesn't know his freind is a killer.  The cops, because they have absolutely no clue, and don't even clean crime scenes.  Or finally the girl, who doesn't scream for help when shes ungagged.

Overall though this is a good film, a nasty treasure from the 70's so to speak.  It's a fine piece of exploitation.  Blood, violence, and nudity.  Very slow middle, but a great beginning, and nice end makes up for it.  It's supposedly based on a true story, but that has ben argued for years.  I recommend picking this one up.  Just be carefully, there was a remake done in the mid 2000's.  You want the original

Overall 3 out of 5 Stars.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

The House At The Edge Of The Park

Plot Synopsis: Two lowlife punks invite themselves to a party at a posh villa and after being taunted by their snobbish hosts, hold everybody hostage and subject them to various torture and mayhem. 

 David Hess, the quintessential sleaze bag from the late 70's and early 80's passed away a few days ago.  You would not know this by checking IMDB though.  No, the new about Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore has taken most of that page.  SO I figured I would review a David Hess film.  Everyone is familiar with Last House on the Left, So I opted for this.

  House at the Edge of the Park is a pretty notorious film.  It was banned over in the UK to many year, and finally released but in a cut form.  Uncut its pretty hard stuff.  Too a point, but I'm getting ahead of myself.  House starts off with a young lady driving down the road.  Hess pulls up next to her, and cuts her off.  He enters her car, like most women from the 80's she was to stupid to lock her doors.  So he throws her in the back seat and rapes her.  Full frontal nudity is shown.  When hes done he kills her, and takes her necklace.

  We then find Hess at the garage he works getting all dressed up to go to a club to go Boogying.  Yes Boogying.  If you don't get that reference, basically means dancing.  He obviously thinks the audience is deaf as he notifies us of this about 9 times.  He's getting ready to leave with his buddy Ricky when a young rich couple pull in and say there car is acting up.  Ricky fixes it, and they in turn ask him and Hess if they want to come to a party with them.  Hess says yes and put on his Boogying vest, and then grabs a straight razor. 

  They go back to the party, where you soon figure out it's almost like a dog party.  See these people are basically just trying to make fools out of Hess and Ricky.  They get Ricky to strip disco dance while he drinks, while one of the women asks Hess upstairs, takes off all her cloths, and yes once again full frontal nudity, and asks him to shower with her.  Before he can she pushes him away.,  So now Hess is pissed, and when he goes down stairs he sees Ricky playing cards, and soon figures out the rich guys are cheating.  He finnally flips out beats the shit out of one of the guys, throws him thru a window, beats him down some more then throws him in a pool and pisses on him.

  Now our boy Hess is on a roll. He beats another guy down and cuts up his face.  Fondles one of the girls, then chases another one upstairs and rapes her.  Now here is where it gets weird.  The neighbor shows up, and Hess grabs her to rape her.  This guy sure can recover sexually fast.  He should have ben doing porn instead of working in a garage.  While hes doing this one of the girls runs off, and Ricky chases, and catches her.  Then for no reason what so ever he tells her he wont hurt her, and throws the bottle he's holding away.  Shes so grateful she has sex with him.  So these two love birds go back in the house and find Hess slashing the shit out of the neighbor that showed up.  Ricky starts telling Hess to take it easy.  Gee he's about 50 minutes late with that one.

  So now that Hess and Ricky are fighting with each other, our main rich guy goes upstairs, grabs a gun and shoot Hess.  He then takes the necklace Hess is wearing, it's the one he took from the girl he killed in the beginning, and tells him that was his sister that Hess murdered.  He then goes inside and calls the cops.  Turns out this was all part of the plan to kill Hess.

Ok, that's just stupid.  If that's your plan, why weren't you packing the gun?  Why didn't you just shoot the guy in the gas station, Why would you and your friends be unarmed during the whole party?  How did they know Hess and his buddy would come with them?  And even more so what kind of sissy were these guys?  I forgot to mention, Hess wasn't keeping the, at bay with a gun during this whole ordeal, he had a fricking straight razor.  That's it.  7 people are terrified because 1 guy has a razor.  They could have all just charged him.  He is not that intimidating.  Granted he's creepy looking as hell in this film, but in all honesty he looks like a fat Juan Epstein from Welcome Back Kotter.  Plus he keeps saying "Boogying"

  Stupid ending, and plot twist aside the film is sleazy, and rough as hell.  It's a good film.  The dialog is dated as all hell, but if you can make it past that you should enjoy it.  I would recommend  it.

Overall 3 out of 5 Stars.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011


Sorry I have such a bad headache I can't even finish the film I'm watching. So here is something for you. My top 10 horror films

10) tales From The Darkside The Movie
9)cannibal Ferox
8) Junk
7) Last House On A Dead End Street
6) Nightmare on Elm Steet
5) Christine
4)The Thing
3) Hellraiser 2
2) Return of the Living Dead
1) Halloween

As an added bonus my wifes top 5 are

5) Prom Night (original)
4) Friday the 13th part 4
3) Pet Cemetary
2) Halloween
1) Nightmare on Elm Street 3

Monday, October 10, 2011

The Exorcist

Plot Synopsis: When a teenager is possessed by a mysterious entity, her mother seeks the help of two priests to save her daughter.

 I'll be honest.  I am pressed for time today, but didn't want to disappoint anyone who follows this blog, as I do pride myself on updating daily.  I wanted to write about David Hess, the worlds number one sleaze bag who passed away a few days ago.  Problem is I have to re watch some of his films to do so.  Actually I have one on now.  Which one?  You'll find out tomorrow.  For now I present my review on the ground breaking classic The Exorcist.

   The Exorcist centers around a little girl who becomes possessed by Satan.  We know theres something wrong with her because she floats, pukes green crap, and uses bad language in a demon voice  So when the doctors are unable to help her her mom takes her to a shrink.  Luckily in a stroke of pure unbelievable coincidence the shrink is also a priest.  He notices she starts speaking backwards.  Maybe she's the kid who was responsible for recording that crap on heavy metal music.  Anyway he figures out that she must be possessed.

  So he calls his other priest buddy and they go and perform the exorcism in one long ass 20 minute scene. Save the girl and the old priest dies.  Basically that's it.

  This films sucks ass!  I cant stress that enough.  Its so boring.  I mean there is nothing good about it.  I always hear, its the scariest film ever made.  No it's not, whats scary is that people actually enjoy this film.    It is so bad, there is nothing to enjoy.  My wife and I had a hard time staying awake.  I don't even understand when people say how it ushered in modern horror.  No it didn't, it ushered in the trend of going to get popcorn when your board.  I kept getting up and leaving.  I was at home and didn't even pause the VCR.  I guess if I had to say one good thing about the film, it's shorter than Sucker Punch, so I guess that makes it better.

Overall 0 out of 5 Stars!

Sunday, October 9, 2011


Plot Synopsis:  Genetic engineers Clive Nicoli and Elsa Kast hope to achieve fame by successfully splicing together the DNA of different animals to create new hybrid animals for medical use.


Let it be known that I do not consider Splice a horror film.  I mean it sorta kinda is towards the end, but too me it's more of a drama about parenting.  But it's considered a horror film so I decided to write about it.

   Splice centers around a couple, Clive and Elsa, two scientists doing DNA research and gene splicing to try and find a cure for different diseases buy creating a new species.  They make two things that look like giant dildos.  One man, and one woman.  I think.  It's weird, they both look like dicks, but one is female.  Maybe its a hermaphrodite.  The company they work for decides to shut down the project and re organize the division.  So they decide to make there own species.  It turns of to be a female thing with an egg shaped head, and a tail.  They name it Dren, you know Nerd spelled backwards.

  So they take this weird thing to a farm to raise her, and while they are their, back at the lab there two dildo things start changing.  Actually the Hermie one changes.  It changes into a boy dildo, and the two of them kill each other.  Its a cool scene, two giant dildo things tearing each other apart.  Lots of blood.  It reminded me of a scene from a Troma film, combined with Avon style porn.

  Anyway by now Dren has grown up, and has started to develop feelings for Clive.  Elsa notices this and becomes basically a giant bitch.  When Dren kills a cat, and let it be known I hate cats, so no sympathy here from me, Elsa ties Dren up and cuts off her tail.  Clive arrives and freaks out.  Turns out Clive thinks Drens kind of hot as well.  He thinks this because it turns out Elsa used her DNA to help create Dren.  So when Clive and Elsa get into a huge fight, and Elsa walks out Clive Has sex with Dren.

  I guess he feels bad about it, not sure why, I mean the thing is hot.  Admit it!  You would have sex with this thing too.  So what if it has a tail, you can use that to your advantage.  Straight up, I looked at my wife and said "I would have sex with Dren"  Guess what?  I know allot of guys who would.  Who cares about the tail, and egg shaped head.  Anyway when Clive and Elsa, who have now made up return to the barn and find Dren dying.  Which makes me wonder, what in the hell kind of STD did Clive have.  I mean, Dren didn't get a cold soar, or any itch, she straight up died.  So like any loving parents who lost there "child" they decide to bury her in a shallow grave behind the barn.

  About that time there boss shows up to blow the lid on this whole illegal gene splice operation, but hold on, it's time to add the horror element.  Drean pops up alive, and with full on wings, and a dick.  Yes she has changed into a man.  Once again, what the hell was in Clive's sperm?  So Dren flys after Elsa, grabs her, and rapes the hell out of her.  She then stabs Clive with her tail, but Elsa by this point has recovered and cracks Dren on the back of the head with a rock.  We then flash forward a few months to find Elsa working for a pharmaceutical company who plan to do tests on her unborn baby.  Yea Dren knocked her up.  Cool ending.

  I dig this film.  Its really jacked up though.  Think about it.  These are parents.  Incest, rape, killing you kid.  These people are seriously jacked up.  I get having sex with a thing with a tail, but not when its technically your kid.  Ohh well.  Adrian Brody, who played Clive is creepy looking anyway.  I wouldn't put this past him.  Like I said, this in my opinion is not a horror film, but a drama about jacked up parents, who have sex with there kid, then kill it.  But all in all I would recommend it.

Overall 3 out of 5 Stars!

Saturday, October 8, 2011

The Rite

Plot Synopsis: An American seminary student travels to Italy to take an exorcism course.

  My daycare provider is a fan of horror films.  I remember years ago, before I had a child my wife and I went over her house to watch a horror film.  The previous week her goon (now ex) husband rented Queen of the Damned, and they thought it was a gory amazing film.  My wife and I were falling asleep, having, at this point been fully engulfed in Italian horror films.  So I suggested the next week I would bring over one of my new films.  I picked Dr. Butcher M.D.  The film with the best trailer ever.  We watched it. My wife and I laughed, she had a blank look on her face.  Turns out cannibal films freak her out, and she couldn't sleep for a few days because she dreamed she was eating her kids.  She suggested my wife and I watch The Rite.  So when I found the DVD on sale for 10.00 I grabbed it.  I should have known better.

  The Rite follows the story of Michael, a former mortician who decides to become a priest.  He goes to priest school, yes you have to actually study this, and gets ordained.  That night he writes a letter of resignation to his superior telling him he has a lack of faith.  So when his superior reads this letter he chases down the street after Michale, and in doing so, causes a bicyclist to swerve and get hit by a car.  Michale runs over to the woman, and when she sees him in his priest outfit asks him to absolve her of her sins before she dies.  He does, and his superior is so proud of him he offers him a deal.  Go to Rome to take a class on Exorcisms, and if he still wants out, he can leave.  The priest school sound like the mob.

  So Michale get to Rome, goes to the class, and still isn't buying any of this.  The priest teaching the class tells Michael to go and see Father Lucas, played by Anthony Hopkins.  Turns out Father Lucas is the number one exorcist out there.  So Father Lucas take Michale to meet a young 16 year old girl who was raped by her dad, and is now pregnant.  Turns out she possessed too.  Ok if I was Michale I would be thinking this is a scam at this point. The possessed girl then starts yelling at Michael, not sure about what, because by this point I was board to tears.  So I told my wife I needed to go to the bathroom, and she could just tell me what happened while I was gone.

  So I went to the bathroom and continued reading Bret Hit Man Harts autobiography.  It's a damn fine read.  I was reading about how hated doing jobs for Bad news Brown when he was supposed to be getting a big baby face push.  As good as the book was I knew I had to go back to that crummy film I just bought.  When I got back the possessed girl had just had a miscarriage.  I asked my wife what happened.  She started telling me about a reported girl who wanted to interview Anthony Hopkins, and that.....I stopped listening.  I was getting bored just listening about it.  I just politely nodded my head and said "ok" from time to time. 

  When Michale, and Father Lucas return home, Father Lucas starts acting weird and tells Michael he is possessed by the demon now.  So Michale and the reporter girl go to find the priest professor to help, but he's out of town.  I ten told my wife that my stomach was really weird and went back to read more of Bret Harts book.  I remember him talking about how Dynamite Kid smacked The Honky Tonk Man for making fun of Harley Race.  I read for a while, and judging from the clock Knew I only had a few minutes left of the film, so I went back.  Here, spoiler, Michale finds his faith, exorcises the demon, then goes on to become a priest.  Yawn!!!!!

  I'm Catholic.  Old School Roman Catholic.  Former Alter boy, read the bible, have a vast knowledge of religious history.  This film got everything correct.  The Latin prayers, the faith, the signs of possession, everything.  Here lies the problem.  I've never bought into any of it.  I'm not saying it doesn't happen, I saying its very boring to watch on film.  Exorcist is the most boring horror film ever made, but its times better than this mindless mess.  I would have had Michael bang the hell out of the reporter in a confessional at some point.  But no, they just had constant talking.  Hopkins is a good actor, but he's not God.  Silence of the Lambs was a great film, but horror fans seem to like anything he does because he was Hannibal Lector.  Hey, horror fans.  Don't forget he was Hannibal Lector in Hannibal.  Maybe that will soften his appeal.

  Overall don't waste your time.  Buy Bret Harts autobiography, It's much more entertaining.

Overall 0 out of 5 Stars!

Friday, October 7, 2011

House of 1000 Corpses

Plot Synopsis: Two teenage couples traveling across the backwoods of Texas searching for urban legends of serial killers end up as prisoners of a bizarre and sadistic backwater family of serial killers.

 This review is going to be much different than anything I have ever done before.   I have written, erased, and re written this review about 6 times now.  I don't mean like I erased a sentence, I mean I erased a very long write up.  Multiple times.  House of 1000 Corpses is a hard film to review, because for everything I love about it, theres is something I hate.  For every thing done correctly,  everything is done wrong.  Basically I recommend you watch this film, but I wont be surprised if you hate it.  It's polarizing, mesmerizing, hypnotic, and in the same sense immature, poorly crafted, and in some cases blatantly a rip off of other films.  But I have to say it is the horror film of the 90's.  And it sure as hell paved the way for a more dirty, exploitation style of films we have seen ever sense.
  House of 1000 Corpses is Rob Zombie's directorial debut. And he came out running.  He also wrote this film.  I would love to write about Zombie, his artistic measures, love of films, and visions.  In some way the back story of the film is more interesting than the film itself.  I cant write about that because someone already has.  Sholggs Horror Blog.  Shloggs wrote a fantastic piece about Zombie that you will want to check out.  I will include the link at the end of the write up.  It's a fantastic read, and will give you another chapter of this review that you will want to experience.  For another very detailed account of Zombie carrier you need to look, or should I say listen no further than Profondo Cinemas Rob Zombie retrospective.  Click there link at the top of the site.
  Corpses is essentially Zombies version of Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Let it be known I think Chainsaw is a shit film.  I don't care how important it is in film history, its boring, and it is laughable at times.  Corpses is neither boring, nor funny.  Sure there are a few comical lines, but nothing to laugh out loud. It does have one thing going against it from the get go however.  Hype!  You see this film sat on a shelf for a few years as studios didn't want to distribute it.  Not because it was bad.  Because it was so gross and violent.  It's not, but for its time nothing was being released that looked like this.  You cant have close to 2 years of hype for a film then watch it live up to it. 
  A group of kids, Billy, Jerry, Denise, and Mary who are visiting different roadside attractions stop at a gas station, that features fried chicken, a haunted house, and different types of sideshow creatures.  They meet the owner, Captain Spaulding, played by 70's exploitation star Sid Haig.  He wears clown make up and swears constantly.  The kids learn about the local legend of Dr. Satan, and go off in search of the tree he was hanged from.  They pick up a hitchhiker named Baby, played by Zombies real life wife Sherri Moon.  The car breaks down, and Baby's brother comes and gets them.
  They go back to Baby's house and meet her mom, her deformed half brother Tiny, her grandfather Hugo, and her adopted brother Otis, played by Bill Mosley of Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 fame.  The family has them stay for dinner, and at one point the mom hands Tiny a note that says "Get Grampa" a line taken straight from Chainsaw Massacre.  After that they put on a Halloween dress up show for the kids, and when Baby starts coming on to one of them, the other girls get offended and they all leave, as their car has been fixed.  Problem is these people, as you already can tell are nuts and attack the kids and drag them back in the house.
  Otis, turns out makes these weird creatures for Captain Spauldings museum out of people he captures and kills.  He turns Bill  into a side show creature, while Baby scalps Jerry.
  The next day Mary's dad calls the police when she does not return home, and two officers go in search of the kids.  They find the car, and stop off at the house, with Mary's dad.  After discovering a few dead body's they are all killed.  And in one very long, long scene Otis makes one of the officers get on his knees before he shoots him in the head.  Not long in dialogue, just a long panned out camera shot before the firing of the gun.
  Here's where it gets weird.  Mary, Denise, and Jerry are then taken to an underground well and dressed in bunny suits.  Mary escapes, but is chased down and killed by Baby.  Denise and Jerry are lowered into a huge underground lair and are split up when a group of what appears to be zombies grab Jerry.  As Denise goes further into the lair she discovers Dr. Satan performing an operation on Jerry.  She escapes, and stumbles to the side of the road where Captain Spaulding is driving by and picks her up.  In the final scene she passes out in the car from exhaustion, and Otis appears in the back seat.
  There you have it, that's the film in a nutshell.   I know its not in my usually smart ass smarmy tone, but this is a film that I really cant  laugh at.  Sure it's goofy in a way all horror films are, but it has a vibe that is hard to explain.  See I'm 37 years old so in the 70's when exploitation films were the hottest ticket out there I was too little to really watch them.  One of the first horror films I watched was My Bloody Valentine.  Of course I saw all the classics when I was a kid.  Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, Hellraiser, and so on. I watched these at such a young age other kids in the neighborhood weren't allowed to play with me.  Apparently I was some kind of 8 year old devil worshiper.  As I got older my love for these films continued to grow, so I began searching other ones out.  Italian, German, Asian, all kinds.  I started going back and watching stuff like Toolbox Murders, Last House on the Left, Candy Snatchers, anything I could pick up at the local video store.  Along that time I discovered Exploitation films.  Vanishing Point, Black Cesar, Last House on a Dead End Street, anything I could find I bought.  And believe me when I say I have a film collection most would die for.  I liked the 70's Exploitation films for the grainy look and feel.  The quick cuts, the menacing, yet campy dialogue.  And of course the sleaze, and violence. 
  Corpses captures that style of film like no other.  The color schemes are amazing.  The look, the feel, it's like being at a drive in movie, even though your watching it in your home.  In a way that's hard to explain, you don't give two shits about the kids in danger.  You are rooting for the killers.  Zombie is able to present a family of crazy mass murderers in a way you actually care about them.  Mosley gives a performance of a life time.  Picture a low rent Charles Manson, mixed with Jim Jones, and it works.  I hate the fact Sherrie Moon is in everything he does, but she plays the crazy psycho bitch part better than Juliet Lewis in Natural Born Killers.  Sid Haig is fantastic, although his part is small. Everyone does a good job,.  So good almost  want to see these kids get mutilated.
  Does this film rip off Chainsaw Massacre?  Sure, but no more than Pulp Fiction rips off Fudoko, or Reservoir Dogs, does to City on Fire.  If a studio gave me the freedom, and money to make a horror film, I would present them with my version of Halloween.  You would do the same.  Zombie took a film he obviously loved and made it in his eyes.  He manages to take all films he loves and roll them into this.  Musters clips, scenes that are straight out of the old universal Monster films, everything.  Violent, visceral, atrocious language.  Everything that is so bad works so good.
  The ending does suck, I cant say that it doesn't.  I think Zombie threw so much at us in the first half he had no way to really wrap things up.  The whole Bunny suite, underground lair of Dr. Satan is bad.  I cant defend it.  But I can say, it's a first try.  The guy is a musician.  An artist, but a musician first and foremost.  I doubt Phil Collins could come up with a film like this, no one could.
  I love films, as you can tell.  And this film captures everything I enjoy.  Sorry I cant make funny comments, but this is truly the film that paved the way for modern horror.  Saw, Hostel, and every God for saken remake that has come along, came after this.  And they all use the same raw dirty feel.  And like the films of the 70's the gore and violence is back with a vengeance, and this is the film that started that.  Go and pick this film up if you haven't seen it.  If you have seen it, watch it again, and think about all the horror films you grew up watching.  Like I said, horrible ending, but in the grand scheme of things, who cares.

Overall 4 out of 5 Stars!

Sholggs Rob Zombie piece

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Paranormal Activity

Plot Synopsis: After moving into a suburban home, a couple becomes increasingly disturbed by a nightly demonic presence.

  Ohh man, I am already getting scared.  Just thinking about the terrifying film, and phenomenon that is Paranormal Activity, has my hands shaking as I type.  I made the mistake of watching this late at night with my wife.  And I could not sleep.  This is truly an exercise in pure terror.
  It centers on a couple named Katie, and Micah who set up a video camera in there bedroom to capture an evil spirit.  See Katie thinks that a ghost has been following her around sense she was a little kid, and now it has followed her to her new home.  I guess they think if they catch it on video they can blackmail it into leaving.  So the first night they, wait, I have to take a deep breath, as the terror is returning.  They hear FOOTSTEPS!  Whew, I got scared again.
  So because of these footsteps, they call a psychic.  Personally I would have called a home inspector, to see if my floor boards were bad.  He tells them the demon is feeding off her negative energy, and they should not engage it.
  So they decide to leave the camera up, and, hold on, I gotta take a deep breath.  The door opens!!!  Ok, I gotta get a drink, scared again.  So a few days later they hear a loud noise.  Holy crap!  They run downstairs and the chandelier is moving.  Maybe it was the open window.  No it was the demon.  Ok, Ok, I gotta calm down.
  SO the next night, Kate gets up and stands over Micah for like 2 hours.  Maybe he was snoring, or she has a fetish.  I mean Ohh noo, I cant stop shaking.  So the next day Micha get a quijji board and try's to summon the demon with the help of this Milton Bradley board game.  When they leave the quijji board catches on fire.  About this time I was under the covers shaking.
  So the next night, they hear footsteps that sound like there coming from the attic.  They go up there to find.....wait for it....a picture of Kate.   Wow my heart skipped a beat writing that.  So now the next night the door slams shut.  Hold on I have to take my inhaler, I'm getting nervous.  So they decide to call Ghostbusters.  No they call a Demonaologist.  Bet you didn't know there was such a thing did you? He sense the evil spirit right away.  Plus he gets paid too.  He tells them he's making the demon angry and leaves.  After he gets paid of course.
  So then that night Kate gets pulled out of the bed...............Sorry I passed out from fear.  So they go to a hotel.  Should have done that a month ago.  Then they go back home.
  Then finally Kate gets up and starts sleepwalking, then you hear a loud scream.  Micha runs downstairs, when suddenly his body comes flying at the camera, and we see Kate standing over him.  She sniffs his dead body and leave.  A scroll at the end says the cops found him dead and she is missing.  I wish I could forget this.  I am litterly shaking as I type this.  Shaking with laughter.
  This film is pure shit.  It is so boring.  Nothing happens.  I just told you everything that happens in a few paragraphs that probably took you 4 minutes to read.  I had to sit through this for like 85 minutes.  It is so dull.  I get that some idiots, I mean people are scared of Ghosts.  But why?  Casper was nice.  Patrick Swazy seemed cool.  But come on! A door slams, footsteps, a chandelier moves.  Wow.  By the time the murder at the end happened I was under the covers alright, under the covers falling asleep. 
  If you want to be scared there are much better things to watch.  If your out of NyQuil and need to sleep watch Paranormal Activity

Overall 1 out of 5 Stars!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Fright Night

 Plot Synopsis: When a teenager learns that his next door neighbour is a vampire, no one will believe him

Back in 1985 I got to see the greatest Vampire movie ever made.  Fright Night.  I stayed away from the remake, as there is no way this film could be duplicated, let alone topped.  It has, in my opinion one of the cleverest story's in film.
  William Raggsdale stars as Charlie Brewster.  Typical high school kid, with a cool best friend, and a hot girlfriend.  Actually I'm lying.  His best Friend is "Evil" Ed, played by Stephen Gefforys, who shortly after making this went on to star in gay porn.  His girlfriend Amy is played by Amanda Bearse, A.K.A Marcy Darcy from Married With Children fame.  Let's see, weird only friend, chicken legged girlfriend.  Maybe he should let the vampire kill him.  Sorry Getting ahead of myself.
  See one night Charlie witness his new neighbor moving in, and sees him carrying a coffin.  Shortly there after murders start happening around town.  One night Charlie sees a call girl going to his neighbors house, and decides to watch then through his window.  He sees his neighbor, Jerry Dandridge, bite the girl then closes the curtains when he notices peeping tom Charlie watching.  The next day Charlie sees the girls picture on the news, and learns they found her body by the train tracks. 
  He reports this to the police, but when he tells them that he believes Jerry is a vampire they think he's crazy and blow him off.  He goes home to find his slut mom has invited Jerry into their house.  She's such a desperate whore she tells him to come over whenever he wants.  So that night when Charlie is in his room Jerry comes in and tells Charlie to forget about him, and he will leave him and his mom alone.  Charlie, instead of taking the deal (I would have) waves a cross in Jerry face.  Turns out that only works if you have faith, so Jerry starts choking Charlie, until he grabs a pencil and shoves it in Jerry;s hand.  Charlies mom wakes up, and Jerry leaves.  I never figured out why.  Probably because he wasn't in the mood for the old whore to start coming on to him.
  Charlie realizes he needs help, and as the cops don't believe him he gets the best guy for the job.  Peter Vincent, The great Vampire Killer!  Well he's not really a vampire killer.  He's a former horror film actor who now hosts a creature feature show. I have to say this is an amazing idea.  Creature Feature style shows were kind of on there way out at this time, but still, how coll is it to get a horror movie host to help you battle a vampire.  Personnaly I would have gotten Elvira, as she is way more attractive than Roddy Mcdowel. Ed, and Amy pay Peter to go and do a few fake vampire tests on Jerry, so Charlie will realise it's all in his head.  Things are going fine until Peter grabs his cigarette case and notices Jerry has no reflection in the mirror.  Jerry realizes Peter has seen this, and decides to take care of him. Which really does prove, smoking will kill you.  Also when he sees Amy, he shows her a painting of a woman from a hundred years ago who looks exactly like her.  Turns out that was his girlfriend back in the day.  He doesn't tell her this of course, as that would make him look nuts too.  Not so much for saying he's 100 years old, but for admitting he dated someone who looked like her.
  So when everyone leaves, Jerry grabs Ed in a alley way, because you know everyone has to split up in a horror film, and turns him into a vampire.  He send him to kill Peter, and in a pretty cool scene, Ed morphs into a wolf, and attacks Peter in his apartment.  Peter is able to grab a broken piece of table and stab Ed.  Meanwhile across town Charlie and Amy try to hid in a 80's dance club, but Jerry glamors Amy, dances with her, then tells Charlie if he wants her to get Peter and come get her.
  So Charlie gets Peter, and they go to Jerry's house.  Jerry has a handyman who lives with him, who turns out to be a zombie of some sort.  It's never explained.  They have a long final battle inside the house, that of course ends with Charlie, and Peter defeating Jerry, and saving Amy.
  The film ends with Charlie watching Peter Vincents show, and getting ready to have sex with Amy, kind of homo erotic when you read that out loud, when you see a pair of glowing red eyes in Jerry's house and hear Ed's voice.
  Ed was supposed to be the focal point of the sequel, but they decided to have Jerry's sister come in for that film.  It was ok, but not as good as this.
  Fright Night is my favorite vampire film.  Everything about it is fantastic, as you should be able to tell by reading this.  I mean come on, I don't make many jokes during this review.  The final 20 minutes that take place in the house are full of fantastic make up effects.  This film manages to blend horror and humor perfectly.  You can pick this up fairly cheap on DVD, and a Blue Ray is slated to be released in the near future.  Check this out

4 out of 5 Stars!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Trick or Treat

Plot Synopsis: Sammi Curr was a famous, devil-worshiping rock star who died under mysterious circumstances. Now he wants to come back to life. Doing so requires possessing radio wave & automobiles and making a few human sacrifices. 

     Remember the show Family Ties?  Remember Skippy, the nerd who had a crush on Mallory?  Well turns out Skippy got so tired of being rejected by her he decided to do what most 80's outcasts did.  Start smoking dope and listening to Heavy Metal Music, the shittiest hair band metal music out there at the time.  He idolizes a singer named Sammy Cur, who went to the same high school Eddie (That's Skippy's name in this film) does, and much like Eddie was an outcast.  See no one likes Eddie.  I don't blame them.  He has shitty taste in music, and wears those stupid Ozzy, and Montly Crue concert shirts.  Obviously Eddie is the only guy in this school who listens to this music.  He get harassed by the cool kids, led by Doug Savant, of Melrose place, and Desperate Housewives fame.  They don't beat him down columbine style or anything, they do those wacky 80's things.  Like poke a hole in his milk so it dumps on his shirt.  Take off his towel during gym and shove him in the girls room. And rub his hair until it stands up.
  So as no one likes him, and believe me I hated him by this point, and the film is only about 8 minutes old now, he hangs out with Nuke, a local DJ played by Gene Simmons.  Simmons knew Sammy Cur from high school so he tells Eddie story's about him.  Turns out Sammy was scheduled to play the high schools Halloween dance, but the school board wont allow it, as he's a devil worshipping heavy metal singer.  Here's a question.  If this guy was picked on, in a school that obviously hates heavy metal music, in a town he couldn't wait to get out of, why the hell would he go back to play at a high school dance?  Were his last albums sales that bad, or does he have the worlds worst manager?
  Anyway he was obviously so despondent about this he decided to kill himself in a hotel fire while chanting in a pentagram.  Turns out he recoded this and gave Gene Simmons the record, and Simmons, in return gives it to Eddie, as he's this guy's biggest fan.
  So Eddie goes home and plays the record and stars dreaming about Sammy dying.  Then he decides to play the record backwards.  See back then people were convinced that singers were hiding devil worship prayers on the records and too hear them, you had to play the album backwards.  I know so many idiots who did this.  I was 12 years old at the time and new what the deal was.  Studios wanted you to play your record backwards, screw it up, then have to buy a new one.  Anyway he plays it backwards and Sammy tells him how to get even with the kids who are picking on him.
  So he ends up listening to the record again (He made a tape of it) and rigs the school with spilled water, a few well placed chairs, and a couple of closed doors.  he then flips a tray at Doug Savant and his crew in the lunch room and take off running.  They chase after him, and in a wacky 80's chase scene and fall every turn.  They end up getting caught, and sent to detention.
  The next day they find Eddie, and actually go to beat him up, when his Walkman starts playing, and the metal point blade in shop class comes to life, well actually it just turns on, and grabs Savant by his tie.  Side note, I never knew why he wore a tie to school.  Eddie turns it off before it kills Savant and the guys run off.  Not sure why they didn't just beat him up then.  So he goes home and talks to his record player again. And it tells him to make another tape.  he does and slips in in Savants locker.
  Later that night Savant's girlfriend puts the tape in her Walkman, and it causes her ears to melt.  I doubt the tape was possessed, the music is just so bad, it would cause anyone ears to melt.  So Savant yells at Eddie to stay away from him.  Rather then being grateful, and talking to his record play some more he decides he doesn't want any part of this.  Not sure why.  He was picked on all his life by these guys, the record helps him, now he yells at the record player.  Sounds like an ingrate, and a real shitty fan if you ask me.
  He asks his friend to get the tape back, and as hes his only friend he helps him out, then plays the tape, and suddenly Sammy Cur comes to life and kills his friend.  He then sticks his hand into the TV and kills a preacher talking about evil heavy metal music.  The priest is played by Ozzy Ozbourne, in a humorous turn. He should have went and killed Eddie, as he really wasn't a supportive fan.
  Sammy then shows up at the Halloween concert, starts singing, and then for no reason he starts shooting lightning out of his hands killing people.  Skippy figures out at this point that if the music is played over the airwaves Sammy will come back again.  So he destroys the record tower and crashes a car with Sammy in it to save the day.  This all leads me to the same question I have fat for 25 years.  What the hell was the point?  Why did Sammy kill himself?  Why did he want to come back from the dead?  What was his plan when he did?  They never say.  Did he just do it for fun?  I mean what did he want to do?  Take over the world with his shitty big hair and awful music?  Did he need to kill people over the airwaves because of a deal he made with Satan?  I mean if he wanted to punish, and kill people why didn't he not kill himself, and just continue to play that god awful heavy metal crap?
  I was 12 when I saw this, and unfortunately went to school with tons of little kids who listened to this crap, and tried to act like little stoners in their fake concert shirts.  I was smart enough to have ben listening to Black Flag, DRI, Misfits (Greatest band ever), Ramones, and Sex Pistols.  So the music aspect didn't thrill me one bit.  I was smart enough to know the whole Heavy Metal devil worship connection was done to sell records.  But the film is fun.  I mean its dumb as hell, but also very entertaining.  I watch it year around this time.  The best part is Gene Simmons has a 3minute part, and Ozzy has about a 1 minute part, but as their the 2 biggest names there featured on the front cover of the DVD,  Check this film out if you want a good Heavy Metal Horror laugh, or if you like this crappy music. It really is fun.  It would have been more fun however, if this took place in the school Michale J. Fox went to in Teen Wolf.  Then Michale J Fox could have turned into a werewolf and fought Sammy at the Holloween Dance.  Or he could have set His Delorian back a few months, gotten up to 55 Gigawatts and stopped Sammy from Dying in a fire.  I guess what really would have made this better if Michale J Fox, or anyone else would have played the lead.  The novelty of seeing Skippy as a stoners stops after about 2 minutes.

Overall 3 out of 5 Stars!

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Texas Chainsaw Massacre

 Plot Synopsis:  Five friends visiting their grandpa's old house are hunted down and terrorized by a chainsaw wielding killer and his family of grave-robbing cannibals. 

   It's considered one of the scariest films ever made.  It's considered one of the most terrifying things captured on film.  It's considered a masterpiece of horror.  Guess my opinion doesn't matter in these polls.  I consider this film dull, yet funny.  Yes funny, and yes, I am talking about the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
  It centers around a group of dumb kids, well young adults is more like it.  And to be fair, this is one of the first films to use this concept.  There driving along in there shitty ass van when they decide to pick up a hitch hiker.  Not a hot chick, or a normal looking guy, this guy looks like bad news.  Dirty, creepy, psychotic, you name it.  Turns out he is nuts and cuts the fat guy in a wheelchair with his pocket knife.  The scooby doo gang throws him out of there crappy Mystery Machine van and drives off to an old farm house.  While there they decide to go and check out the other houses in the area.  Bad move.
  The first house they get to is the home of Leatherface and his family.  Leatherface is played by Gunner Hansen.  I've met him, he's a cool guy.  That does not however change my opinion of this film.  He conks the one kid with a hammer, and hangs the girl up on a meat hook.  Sorry, I forgot, he's called Leatherface because he wears human skin over his face.  Should they have called him Human Skin Guy, or Flesh Face?  Well turns out hes the brother of the psycho hitch hiker, hell turns out he has a whole family.  See they kill people and turn them into head cheese.  yes, the kind you eat.  Leatherface is the cook. The psycho hitchhiker is the other cook, and there older brother sells the stuff to various stores, I think.  At least that what your lead to believe. 
  So we cut back to the other farm where the annoying fat crippled guy, and an equally annoying girl are still wandering around when Leatherface shows up and kills them.  At least he was smart enough to take out the witnesses.  Not that they saw anything, they just needed to die.  I actually cheer when the fat crippled guy gets killed.  Something about him bothered me.  I think its the whole annoying fat thing.
  Anyway we go back to Leatherfaces house where its dinner time.  So they get their grampa who is like 150 years old and bring him down to kill the girl they still have.  She screams the whole time.  The whole freaking time.  I remember hating this film for years because of the fact all this girl does is scream for like 20 minutes.  They say grandpa is the best killer in the group and give him a hammer to crack her over the skull.  But he's so frickin ass old he keeps dropping it.  This goes on for like 5 minutes, until finally she just pushes herself free and runs off screaming.  Yes, she still hasn't shut up.  She runs to the road and a trucker stops to ask whats wrong, but instead of telling him she just screams.  So then Leatheface shows up, and instead of her hopping in the truck and them driving off from the chainsaw wielding maniac, they just decide to run down the street.  Leatherface gets grazed, falls, and in a cool scene chainsaws his own leg.  Then the film ends.  Guess they ran out of money.
  This is considered a classic.  Classic pile of crap is more like it.  It makes no sense why these guys would pick up a scurvy hitchhiker, less sense why they would walk to an old farmhouse, and even less sense that this family makes head cheese out of people.  What the hell is scary about this.  Follow me here.  pretend I;m pitching this film to a studio.  "Hey I have an idea to make a move about a family that makes head cheese out of human beings.  And theres a whole family of them.  The cook will wear skin on his face and cross dress."  The response would probably be "That sounds hysterical, let's see what Kevin James is working on."  Yea, sorry, I forgot to mention Leatherface wears makeup.  Like eyeshadow, lipstick, blush.  Yea, terrifying. 
  I am willing to bet everyone reading this, has seen this film.  Most of you probably like it. I don't, but I recommend watching it just to say you have seen it.

Overall 1 out of 5 stars!