Saturday, September 21, 2013

The Spirit

Rookie cop Denny Colt returns from the beyond as The Spirit, a hero whose mission is to fight against the bad forces in Central City.

Frank Miller is the most influential man in comic books.  He reinvented Batman, and Daredevil. He created Ronnin and Sin City.  He can create a tough guy character better than most Hollywood writers.  Because of this someone saw fit to let him direct a Spirt film, thus proving he needs to stick with comics.

 The Spirit is a favorite comic of mine.  Its a about a cop, thought dead, who lives in a cemetery and fights crime.  That's it, simple.  He wears a Lone Ranger mask.  No powers, nothing fancy.  Too bad the film has nothing to do with this.  See in this turd of a film The Spirit has incredible strength and can heal like Wolverine.  He battles the Octopus, played by Samuel Jackson.  I assume they hired him so he can yell, as that's all this character does.  Hes a criminal, they fight allot, though sinks at each other and stuff.  Its awful.  My head hurts just writing about it.  Scarlett Johansen is smoking hot in the film, but other than that it stinks.  Its filmed in hat black and white with color splotches like Sin City.  Sin City is great, this is not.  It is the worst comic film ever made.  The David Hasselhoff Nick Fury Film is Citizen Cain compared to this.  Don't watch it, avoid it.  If someone trys to give it to you throw it at them, punch them, and run, as they obviously hate you and want to cause you harm.

Overall 1 out of 5 Stars (Because Scarlett Johansen is hot)

Barbwire City

Ahh a documentary, something I rarely, if ever review.  There have already been a few ECW Documentaries.  Rise and Fall Of ECW, which is just fantastic, and Forever Hardcore, which, to be honest, I never really cared for.  Barb Wire City is the latest, well not the latest it actually is a labor of the last 12 years.  It just got released last.  This one is very clever.  It intertwines the past of the present.  As we are taken through the history of ECW we are also viewing Shane Douglas's ECW reunion show.

 This one uses Fan Cam footage, raw footage filmed with a hand held camera.  Its all they can use as WWE owns the commercial footage.  This one is almost a cautionary tale of how not to run a company.  We hear from fans and wrestling journalist about the highs, and lows of ECW.  We see Axl Rotten when he was active in ECW, and now after suffering Bells Palsy and still competing in hardcore matches.  We see Balls Mahoney taking chair shots, then footage of him now, where IMO he just looks terrible.  This is a very nice compilation piece.  Will you learn anything new, no because if your a fan you know the stories.  This one is cool though, because of the handheld footage.  It embodies that gritty blue collar look that ECW was always known for.

 Overall 3 out of 5 Stars


Punisher War Zone

After hunting down and killing hundreds of violent criminals, Frank Castle, aka The Punisher, faces his most deadly foe yet: Jigsaw.

Ray Stevens aka Low Rent Vinnie Jones steps in as the worst Punisher yet.  Problem is, this one gets the origin right.  Frank Castles family is murdered in Central park and he goes on a one man war against crime.  He wears a stupid looking turtle neck bullet proof vest with a skull spray painted on it.  He looks stupid as hell.  he does however take out criminals the Punisher way.  By that I mean he kills them in very graphic over the top bloody way.  Along the way he takes a mobster and throws him into a glass crusher, thus mangling his face and turning him into Punisher comic villain, Jigsaw.  Jigsaw goes to the nut house and breaks out his bat shit crazy brother Loony Bin Jim and they go after the Punisher.  Theres some silly sub plot about Punisher protecting a little girl and her mom, but who cares.


This film is not very good.  It's the closest to the comic, but its very low rent.  Bad acting, bad editing, bad dialogue, just bad.  Its fun in a bad way, but not enough for me to recommend unless your a punisher fan.

Overall 2 out of 5 Stars!

The Punisher

An undercover FBI agent becomes a vigilante assassin and sets out to unleash vengeance upon the corrupt businessman who slew his family

Thomas Jane gets his turn as the Punisher in this big budget film.  He plays Frank Castle, a FBI agent who after being involved in a bust where local crime lord Howard Saints son is killed goes on a large family reunion with his, and his wife's family.  When I say large, I mean large.  Like were talking 8 cousins twice removed large.  Well Howard Saint finds out where he is and has a hit squad take out everyone.  Granted this is not the Punisher origin, but hey go big or go home.  So after everyone is killed, except for Frank of Course he gets the shirt his son bought for him, which is, yes, a skull shirt he goes back to LA to seek revenge.  He moves into an apt complex and befriends his neighbors, then decides to go and take out Howard Saint.

He doesn't kill tons of people per say, he punishes them.  he makes Saint believe his wife and best friend are sleeping together, before storming Howard's office.  There is a great fight between him, and The Russian, played by Kevin Nash, and a nice scene where a pierced up Ben Foster is tortured by having his piercings pulled out.

 Is this a Punisher film?  Not really, but it is however my favorite of the three that have been made.  Its fun, well made, well acted, and Thomas Jane is still the best actor to play the punisher.  Plus he wears a skull shirt.

4 out of 5 stars.





The Punisher

When Frank Castle's family is murdered by criminals, he wages war on crime as a vigilante assassin known only as the Punisher.

Dolph Lundgren stars as some guy named Frank who's family gets blown up in a car bombing and he decides to become a vigilante.  He's called the Punisher, but hes too stupid to wear a black shirt with a skull.  Instead he wears leather pants and a leather biker coat.  He lives in the sewers like a homeless Batman, drives around on a motorcycle and has a drunk homeless English sidekick.  He kills mobsters, and other criminals while being pursued by his old partner Luis Gosset Jr.

The plot involves the Yakuza coming to take over the drug trade in Canada, I mean New York.  Side note, we can tell when a New York movie is not filmed in New York people.  Anyway, the Yakuza kidnap all the kids of the New York Canadian mob families and threaten to kill them unless they agree to work for the Yakuza.  The Punisher without the skull shirt, must stop them.  He even teams up with the mob at the end to take the Yakuza down.

 Is this a Punisher film, not really, is it good?  You bet!  Dolph is great, the action is very violent, and over the top.  The film, although low budget is actually well made.  Had Dolph worn the Skull shirt he would have made a good Punisher.  I would recommend any action fan watch this one.

Overall 3out of 5 Stars!

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Halloween Home Haunts

I love decorating the house for holidays.  I really do, so does my 4 year old.  We both love Halloween.  Every year we buy a few new decorations and add to our outside display.  I always thought I had a very nice set up, until I watched Halloween Home Haunts.

Halloween Home Haunts in the brainchild of Jonathan Morken from Apprehensive Films.  It follows several different people who go to great lengths to turn there homes into Halloween attractions.  Some of them have gotten so large they have turned into professional haunted houses.

Everyone interviewed has a passion for there decorations and set ups.  Everyone had a theme, from graveyards, to the old west, to witches, and pumpkins.  One young lady had a giant evil pumpkin made from chicken wire.  Yes, some of these amazing designs are actually homemade.  I was beyond happy to learn there is a web page to make your own tombstones.  My son and I have already downloaded patterns.

Not everything is homemade however.  Some people have spent upwards of thirty thousand dollars.  And it shows.  Motorized Jason's from Friday the 13th, fog, light, and strobe machines, plus every animatronic ghoul you could think of.

After a short visit with each decorator, where you learn about there favorite decorates, themes, set up, and love for Halloween you are given an eerie tour of the home when its all finished, set to a pulsing old horror school organ beat.

My son happened to walk in the room when it was one, and has watched it several times there after.  He keeps informing me of what I will be buying this year. 

This video will be available on September 17  I highly recommend picking it up.  It will not only be a nice change from always seeing Christmas decorating shows, but if your a fan of decorating your house, it is sure to give you tons of ideas.  And if your a fan of Halloween you will enjoy seeing these peoples passion, and of course awesome displays.

Overall 4 out of 5 Stars!

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters

Hansel & Gretel are bounty hunters who track and kill witches all over the world. As the fabled Blood Moon approaches, the siblings encounter a new form of evil that might hold a secret to their past.
Ok I'll say it right off the bat, this is a fun film.  There is no other way to describe it.  It made no money, but it should have, its fantastic.  Its the story of Hansel and Gretal.  Thew two kids who go to the candy house and get trapped by a witch.  Well they kill the witch and grow up to be demon hunters.  See witch magic does not work on them so they go from town to town hunting witches, trolls, demons, you name it.

 A small village hires them to help them find all the children that have all gone missing.  Turns out there is a coven of witches who need these kids for a spell that will make them immune to fire.  Hansel and Gretal come in to stop them. Keep in mind, this is not a film for kids.  It's very violent, and extremely bloody.  When witches, and people for that matter are shot, they basically explode in a shower of blood.

  This has lots of fun humor as well, I enjoy that Hansel acquired diabetes from being force feed candy when the witch had him when he was a kid, so he has to take a shot every 8 hours to live.  The effect a great, the Blu Ray looks fantastic and its a really great take on a classic Fairy Tale.  Check it out.

Overall 3out of 5 Stars!

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Undisputed III

Boyka is back. This time he is fighting in the first ever inter-prison tournament with one knee

Man, how have I never reviewed this one?  The amazing Scott Adkins returns as Boyka.  As you may recall In Undisputed II He got his knee destroyed.  Because of that he is not fighting in prison.  Hard to do that with a smashed knee.  So what does he do?  He kicks mattresses, and lifts buckets of dirty water with his bad leg.  That leads him to being recovered.  He enters the prisons ring and beats the crap out of there champion.  By doing this he earns himself a spot in a large underground fighting tournament.  Winner gets there freedom.

Well that’s the film, not in a nutshell, but as a whole.  Adkins is possibly the perfect specimen when it comes to action stars.  Built, agile, and can really fight.  The moves he can pull off are amazing, and defiantly not being done by anyone here in the US.  The fight scenes are amazing, and that’s the sell point of these films.  This actually rivals Bloodsport when it comes to tournament fight scenes, and in the final fight blows it away.

If you dig action look no further.  This film will not disappoint.


Overall 3 out of 5 stars.

Grunt: The Wrestling Movie!

Ok, first I have to start off by saying, I love this film.  It’s a mocumentray about A pro wrestler named Mad Dog Joe DeCurso.  See 10 years ago during a 20 man over the top rope battle royal Mad Dog got his opponent in a Hangman, which in wrestling speak is having the guys head twisted between the top and middle rope.  Mad Dog takes a run at him to deliver the big boot and kicks the guys head off.  As murder is illegal he is disqualified.  Unfortunately his opponents legs never touched the floor so he won.  Too bad he’s dead.  After this Mad Dog goes into depression and disappears.  Many think he jumped off a bridge and committed suicide.  But wait now a masked wrestler has entered the scene, named, The Mask.  His moves are very similar, almost identical to Mad Dog.

 Enter Leslie Uggams, a director making a documentary about Mad Dog.  He hooks up with Dr Tweed, president of the Mask is Mad Dog Fan Club.  They drive around interviewing various wrestlers, and managers.  All of which are played by real pro wrestlers.  Adrian Street even does the music for the film.  What follows is a hilarious end up of documentaries and wrestling, that culminates during a 20 man battle royal to finally crown a new champion.  Hilarious dialogue, and tons of wrestling matches intertwined make for a hell of a film.  You don’t need to be a pro wrestling fan to like this but it will help.  I saw it back when it came out in 1985.  It is still funny to me to this day.

 Overall 4 out of 5 Stars!

The Last Stand!

The leader of a drug cartel busts out of a courthouse and speeds to the Mexican border, where the only thing in his path is a sheriff and his inexperienced staff

Arnold is back, and he’s bringing Luis Guzman and Johnny Knoxville with him.  Arnold plays a former LA cop who has settled into a nice quiet town as the acting sheriff.  The town is small, so small 90% of it leaves to go to another town for a football game.  Arnold stays behind to keep the peace.  A joke as there is nothing going on.  Well except for the fact a notorious drug lord has just broken out of prison and is heading to Mexico.  He breaks out under Forrest Whitakers watch, which is not hard to do considering that lazy eye he has.  Anyway, wouldn’t you know it, the last town he and his murdering posse have to cross through is Arnolds.  Arnold finds out he’s coming and deputizes a few local folk, one of whom is local gun museum owner Johnny Knoxville and they set out to stop the guy.

 This is truly a throwback film of the 80’s.  Low plot, cheesy action, one liners, the works.  It’s  a lot of fun.  Nice amount of blood too.  In one scene when Arnold and his team are arming up Luis Guzman picks up Arnolds old Conan Sword.  I enjoyed the nice short run time, as movies like this don’t need to be very long.  Unfortunately the films does have one major flaw.  The end fight scene, not because of Arnold, but more so the bad guy.  It’s very anti-climactic.  But not enough to crash the film like Die Hard 3 did.

 Overall I highly recommend this.  It’s fun.  You don’t need to be a fan of Arnold to enjoy this, just a fan of action.
Overall 3 out of 5 Stars!


A thief with a unique code of professional ethics is double-crossed by his crew and left for dead. Assuming a new disguise and forming an unlikely alliance with a woman on the inside, he looks to hijack the score of the crew's latest heist.

he man, the myth, the legend, Jason Statham stars as Parker.  A thief with a heart of gold.  Really, it’s based on a book.  I know that because I saw that somewhere.  I didn’t read it.  Don’t want to.  Anyway the Statham is friends with old drunk Nick Notice.  Who does a convincing job of acting sober in this film.  He hooks Parker up with a crew led by the always great Michael Chiklis.  They rob a fair ground, and then decide to take Parkers share.  But as Parker is played by Statham, he aint having that.  After a very nice fight scene that takes place in a moving car Parker is left for dead.  Luckily and old farm couple finds him and nurses him back to health.

 That leads us to Palm Beach, where Parker is all healed up and out for revenge.  He meets a realtor played by the insanely gorgeous J-Lo and with her help they go after the gang that doubles crossed him.  Statham takes out all the guys and gets his money.  That’s not a spoiler, it’s a fact.  Statham is the man.  He shoots lots of people in the face, and beats quite a few up as well.  The 2 hour run time is a bit much.  It moves very slow in parts. 

 The Furor, Mel Gibson that is played this same character in Payback, which as much as it pains me to say, is a better film.  It actually makes a nice double feature.  I still recommend watching this, as it has Statham and Chiklis.

 Overall 2 out of 5 Stars!

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

The G-String Horror

Apprehensive Films are quickly becoming the go to company for independent horror films at a great price, and G-String Horror is no exception.

Its defiantly got a catchy title. And surprisingly for a low budget film it also has some good acting, and nice effective gore effects.  Its about a film crew shooting a horror film in a supposedly haunted film palace, that was renovated into a strip club.  Turns out it really is haunted, and the ghost, or demons, or whatever you call them are not happy, and take over the film.

As a rule I am not a huge fan of "Found Footage" style films, however this is slightly different, and by different I mean in a weird European way. Like a dream within a dream. Example, there is a demon chick in this film called Baby Doll.  They call her this because she leave mutilated baby dolls wherever she goes.  Why does she do this you ask.  I have no clue, and truthfully I don't care. 

This is a fun ride for fans of horror, and independent films.  And like I said its from Apprehensive Films, who don't rape people for cash like some companies do.  You can pick this up for the low price of $12.95  Check it out!

Overall 3 out of 5 stars!

Friday, March 29, 2013

Avenging Force

Michael Dudikoff, who proves you don't have to know how to act to make a living in Hollywood teams up with his American Ninja buddy Steve James in this action packed low budget piece of cinema gold.

Dudikoff is Matt Hunter, a former Intelligence Officer taking care of his little sister.  he visits his buddy Larry, played by James, and finds out hes been getting death threats from a gang know as Pentangle.  Turns out there a right wing group that Larry encountered and stopped back when he was in the service.  They like to hunt down humans for sport.  Right there, that's all you need.  Hunting people always means good.

They kidnap Dudikoffs sistser and all hell breaks lose.  Unfortunately there are no ninjas in this film, but its still a great action packed 90 minutes.  Worth watching.

Overall 3 out of 5 Stars!

Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein

Abbott and Costello star as Wilbur, and Chick in this laugh riot send up of the old Universal Monster films.  They play two baggage handlers who are given the task of delivering 2 packages to a local Horror House.  Inside the boxes are the Frankenstein Monster, and Dracula's Coffin.  Larry Talbot, you know, the Wolfman is trying to get them to stop them from delivering these as he knows they are real and not props.

Dracula rises in front of Wilbur, but no one believes him.  He plans on taking Wilbur's brain and putting it into the Frankenstein Monster so he will be easy to control.  The grand finale takes place in a huge castle/laboratory, that features Abbott and Costello running from Frankenstein, while the Wolfman battles Dracula.

I have loved this film ever sense I was a little kid, and I still love it to this day.  There is a reason this is considered a timeless classic.

Overall 5 out of 5 Stars!

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across The 8th Dimension

Peter Weller stars as Buckaroo Banzai.  Hes a scientist/Neuro surgeon/rock singer who, with his team, known as the Hong Kong Cavaliers must stop a threat from the 8th dimension.

See in this weird plot, John Lithgow plays the evil Dr Lizardo.  He leads the Red Lectroids.  There evil, and after the Oscillation Overthruster that Buckaroo has, as it can allow you to travel through solid matter.  He is helped by a group of other aliens, who are all Jamaican.  Plus he dates a chick named Penny Pretty.

Sound weird?  Then picture Jeff Goldblum dressed like a cowboy.   Yes, as in chaps, hat and all.  The films makes little to know sense, and try's very hard to be cooler than it actually is.  However, it is different, and kind of fun in its own quirky way.  Worth a look!

Overall 2 out of 5 Stars!

Monday, March 25, 2013

The Adventures of Baron Munchausen

Some fool gave Terry Gilliam a ton of cash to make this horrible mess of a film.  Its about Baron Munchausen.  It takes place in the 18th century.  He and his crew go on a quest to save their kingdom from invading Turks.

They go to the moon, get eaten by a sea monster, and other really exciting things.  I say that in sarcasm.  Good special effects do not help this overly long (over 2hr) film.  Its just horrible.  However fans of Gilliam will tell you how great it is.  There wrong.  Watch it if you cant sleep.  Its sure to cure insomnia.  If you really need to sleep have a double feature with the equally as awfull Eric The Viking!

Overall 1 out of 5 Stars!

The Adventures of Ford Fairlane

Andrew "Dice" Clay stars as Ford Fairlane a Rock n Roll detective in one of the funniest raunchy humor comedies ever made.  Hes hired by Gilbert Godfreed, Priscella Presley, and Wayne Newton to track down a groupie named Zu Zu Pedels.  She used to date a heavy metal singer named Bobby Black who was murdered.

Dice does a great job, as the crude, shock detective.  Lauren Holly plays his assistant, Robert Englund is the seemingly unstoppable hit man after Ford, and Ed O'Neil plays a former disco duck who's now a detective on the same case.  The case has something to do with bootleg CD's. 

What the film really is, is a showcase of Dices comic act, as he was the hottest comic out there at the time.  Raunchy, crude, over the top, and directed by Renne Harlen.  What more do you need?

Overall 4 out of 5 Stars!

The Adventures of Captain Marvel

I love serials, and this is one of my favorites.  Its the story of a boy named Bill Batson, who, while on an expedition meets a wizard named Shazam who give him the power to transform into the super hero  Captain Marvel.

He must protect the Golden Scorpion Idol.  The idol contains 5 lenses, that when combined can form the most powerful weapon on earth.  The scientists who find it divide them up to protect the world.  Unfortunately a villain named The Scorpion is after them and its up to our hero Captain Marvel to stop them.  This DVD contains all 12 episodes of the original serial.

Overall 3 out of 5 Stars!

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Action Jackson

Carl Weathers from Rocky fame stars as Action Jackson, a tough cop who was busted down a few ranks after braking the arm of Craig T Nelsons son.  Nelson is the bad guy who is killing off union reps or something.  It doesn't make much sense to be honest.  But then again who cares.

Jackson teams up with Vanity after he is framed for the murder of Nelsons wife, played by a young and hot Sharon Stone.  Weathers is fantastic in the role, as is Nelson, and quite frankly the entire cast.  This is a fun ride from beginning to end which features a good fight between Nelson and Weathers in the climax.  Like the title says Action!

Overall 3 out of 5 Stars!

Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls

This is, to date, the only sequel Jim Carrey has ever done.  He probably realized how much this stunk and smartened up. This film shows how to take a good character and just ruin it in 90 minutes.

Ace is in a monastery after letting a squirrel fall to its death in a Cliffhanger spoof scene.  He comes out of retirement to track down a white bat, the sacred symbol of an African Tribe.  Same toilet humor as the first, but this time it falls flat.  Not funny what so ever.  Avoid.

Overall 1 out of 5 Stars!

Ace Ventura Pet Detective

This is not only the breakout role for Jim Carrey but one of the funnies films ever made.  Carrey stars as Ace Ventura, a detective who deals in missing pets.  One night the Miami Dolphins mascot Snowflake, a dolphin is stolen, and hes hired by Courtney Cox to get her back.

What follows is 90 minuets of hilarity as Ace must not only rescue the Dolphin but Dan Marino as well.  Jim Carrey making his ass sing, a montage of him tracking down players, and the greatest Crying Game scene in film make this a winner, and surprisingly fun for all ages.  Don't worry little ones wont get the bad jokes.

Overall 4 out of 5 Stars!

Above The Law

No not the one starring the great Steven Segals, but the one starring the great Cynthia Rothrock.  Rothrock as a cop who is after Yuen Biao, a lawyer who decides to go after criminals after his family is murdered.  She soon realises hes one of the good guys and the two team up to bring a crime syndicate down.

Amazing fight scenes to say the least.  Including a jaw dropping one with Rothrock battling it out against Karen Sheapard in an mall under construction.  Don't miss this one, as its one of the best Kung Fu films out there!  I'm not saying its better than the Seagal Above The Law film, but lets face it, it is.

Overall 4 out of 5 Stars!


Abby has been called allot of things, most prominently a rip off of the Exorcist.  That's not really fair as this is actually a good film, where as the Exorcist sucks.  Abby is about a counselor, named Abby who get possessed by a crossroads demon her father freed while on an exhibition
 She becomes evil and horny as its a sexual demon.  So her dad has to come home and perform an exorcism. This is a good Blaxploitation film, and just a fun film in general.  Like I said I don't like to compare it to the Exorcist because I like this one.

Overall 3 out of 5 Stars!

Friday, March 22, 2013

Special Announcement

I have been toying with the idea of making a film review book for a few years now. Starting this weekend I will begin that project. As book go in alphabetical order I will begin sharing reviews on here from A-Z starting Monday!

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Clash of the Red Rangers

The Samurai Rangers team up with the mysterious RPM Ranger Red to fight off dual threats from Master Xandred's Mooger army and a robotic supervillain from the RPM Ranger's dimension.

The RPM Ranger, who is red travels from his world to our in search of a villain from his planet named Professor Cog who has come her to team up with Xandred and his army.  Luckily for him he gets help from our Power Rangers, The Super Samurai's.  Well not so lucky.  He doesn't like them.  Hes kind of an ego maniac.

Professor Cog manages to not only shoot both Red Rangers with Hypno Bullets, causing them to hate each other, but to send the other Samurai Rangers to his dimension.  Will they overcome the odds and stop the villains from teaming up?  Guess you'll have to watch.

The martial arts scenes are very well done, as are most of the fight scenes in the film.  Its fun to watch the RPM ranger in his car chase down villains while the Samurai Rangers travel on horse back.  If your a fan of the show check it out.  Its only 45min long, but a fun ride for kids, and fans of the Power Rangers in general.

Overall 3 out of 5 Stars!

Monday, March 18, 2013

Expendables II

The Expendables 2 (2012) Poster

Mr. Church reunites the Expendables for what should be an easy paycheck, but when one of their men is murdered on the job, their quest for revenge puts them deep in enemy territory and up against an unexpected threat

Stallone and company return for another action packed outing.  This time joined by Chuck Norris, playing the role of the Lone Wolf.

They are after Jean Claude Van Dam playing a guy named Villain, get it Villain, Bad Guy, great name.  He kills one of there men and plans on mining tons of Plutonium.  His right hand man is future action Superstar Scott Adkins.

This time Bruce Willis, and Arnold have more screen time, as they join Stallone and his team for the final airport battle.

This film fires, and works on all cylinders.  Funny, over the top, action packed, you name it.  The main reason it succeeds as well as it does, is because it doesn't take itself seriously.  Even the actors make fun of their previous films. Only complaint, the fight between Adkins and Statham needed to be longer.  Had that happened it would have been the perfect action film.  Go see it now.

Overall 4.5 out of 5 Stars!

Sunday, March 17, 2013

El Gringo

El Gringo (2012) Poster

A man crossing into Mexico with a satchel of $2,000,000, and a bloody past, finds himself under sudden attack in the sleepy town of El Fronteras.

Scott Adkins, who is just awesome might I say stars as an unnamed DEA agent who, after a bust goes bad end up with 2 million dollars.  As hes crossing into Mexico he stoppes at a sleepily little town that is run by a crooked sheriff and a local gang.  There is also some chick who constantly keeps grabbing his bag of cash forcing him to cash her.  On top of all that Christian Slater is after him.

Adkins is the future of action films, he just needs a film to deliver in.  This one sort of does.  The action is great, and the film truthfully is about 80% action.  The other 20% is bad.  The fact that this girl jacks his bad like 4 times is absurd, and lazy on the filmmakers part.  Also I like Robert Rodriguez as much as the next guy, but this was filmed to look like a Rodriguez film.  It looks like a film trying to look like a Rodriguez film.

Those few point aside, I highly recommend it.  Like I said the actions scenes are great, and you don't watch films like this for the plot.

Overall 3 out of 5 Stars!


Haywire (2011) Poster

A black ops super soldier seeks payback after she is betrayed and set up during a mission.

Ever head of Gina Carano?  Shes a MMA fighter.  She's really good, too bad this movie is not.  \

Gina stars as Mallory Cane.  Shes a government agent who gets double crossed, and set up, or something like that.  I stopped paying attention about 30 min in.  The fight scenes are really good because, she actually knows how to fight.  She;s also very believable in the tough guy role, as she looks like a man.

So she gets double crossed, or something, and beats up a bunch of people, including Channing Tatum and then gets revenge.  It should have been good, but its not.  Aside from the fight scenes everything else is slow.  Very slow, so slow I am getting tired of even writing about this turd.

Overall 1 out of 5 Stars!

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Maximum Conviction

Maximum Conviction (2012) Poster

When former black ops operative Cross (Seagal) and his partner Manning (Austin) are assigned to decommission an old prison, they must oversee the arrival of two mysterious female prisoners

You know whats great? Stone Cold Steve Austin.  You know whats amazing?  Steven Seagal.  You know what happens when you team them up?  Amazing greatness.

Austins and Seagal star as 2 former Special Forces solders, who with their team are decommissioning a federal Prison.  2 female prisoners arrive on its last night for transfer, and suddenly Michale Pare and his team of commandos launch an assault on the prison to grab the girls.

Its up to Austin and Seagal to single handily take down this whole team.  Austin once again does what hes best at.  Beating people up, blowing people up, and shooting things up.  Seagal is bad ass as always, slapping around anyone who gets in his way.  The action moves at a fast pace, which has become a trademark of the Austin straight to DVD films.

I recommend this film to fans of Seagal, and Austin, as well as action fans in general.  Nice action scenes, macho dialog, and two great leads make for a fun film.  My only complaint, Austin and Seagal share little to know screen time together during the action scenes.  I would have like to have seen them team up and fight back to back for at least a final battle.  Other than that, go check it out.

Overall 3 out of 5 stars!

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Amazing Spiderman

Peter Parker finds a clue that might help him understand why his parents disappeared when he was young. His path puts him on a collision course with Dr. Curt Connors, his father's former partner

First off Sam Rami is a one trick pony, with little to no directing talent.  All his films look the same.  With that said I do not hold his Spiderman films in high regard like others do.  I like them, don't get me wrong but that is primarily because of the performance of Tobey Maguire.

Amazing Spiderman is the new franchise from Marvel stars Andrew Garfield as Peter Parker.  This films follows The Ultimate Spiderman comics a little closer.  Peter's parents are scientists who leave him with his Uncle Ben and Aunt May one night when they need to get out of town.  They never come back.

Peter is a typical high school outsider.  Quiet, smart, bullied you name it.  He finds out his parents used to work with a scientist named Curt Conner's who is working with reptile DNA to use in a regeneration processes.  See he's missing a hand.

When Peter goes to see him he gets bit by a radio active spider.  You know the rest.  Uncle gets killed he becomes spiderman and becomes the Wall Crawling Web Head who fights crime.  Or in this case The Lizard.  See Conner's uses the DNA treatment on his arm and mutates into a giant lizard who want to release lizard gas over NY.

Peter Parker is joined in his quest to save the city by Dennis Leary, who is just fantastic in everything he does in my opinion.  Leary is Capt Stacey of the NYPD.  TO complicate things Peter is seeing his daughter Gwen Stacy. 

The film is fun, looks amazing, and in my opinion is far superior the the Rami films.  I like how its slightly modernised.  Like when Peter gets his powers he smacks Flash Thompson around for picking on him.  Something I would do.  My only complaint however is Andrew Garfield.  He does a great job, but is way to pretty to be playing Peter Parker.  Toby Maguire will always be Peter Parker.  With that being my only complaint I cant put this over enough

Overall 4 out of 5 stars!

Saturday, March 9, 2013

The Package

A courier for a local crime lord must deliver a mysterious package while being chased by a horde of unusual gangsters.

Stone Cold Steve Austin returns for another action packed film.  He plays Danny, a bouncer/muscles for a crime boss.  He works for this guy because his brother, who is in jail owes the guy a lot of money.  Austin gets an offer to deliver a package to Judge Smails, I mean the German played by the rapidly ageing Dolph Lundgren.  See if he delivers the package to the German, his brothers debt will be erased.  With that said you know its not good.

Once in route Austin is attacked by a hit squad who want the package.  The German, who is a bad dude as well wants it, as it technically is his.  Luckily for Austin he was a special forces guy, or something like that.  He used to be in a crew with the German, before he was double crossed.  And as he is a trained killer he has no problems, shooting, stabbing, fighting, and blowing the bad guys up.

Austin once again delivers the goods.  The film is action packed, has a nice 90min run time and flys right by.  Austin knows what he is good at, and he displays that skill well in this film, which I do recommend.

Overall 3 out of 5 Stars

Monday, February 25, 2013

Here Comes The Boom!

A high school biology teacher looks to become a successful mixed-martial arts fighter in an effort to raise money to prevent extra-curricular activities from being axed at his cash-strapped school.

Kevin James stars as Scott Voss, a disillusioned teacher who is always late, doesn't really care, and constantly hits on the school nurse.  Hes friends with the school music teach, played wonderfully by Henry Winkler.  When he learns the music program will be cut, thus causing Winkler to lose his job he decides to do something about it.

He starts off teaching a citizenship class where he Meets Niko, who is played by MMA Superstar Bass Rutten.  They watch a UFC fight together and he learns you can make big cash fighting in MMA.  So as he was a former wrestler in college he decides to become a mixed martial artists in order to raise the $48 grand his school needs.

What follows is a very basic plot.  he fights, loses, begins winner, inspires his students, gets back the spark he once had for teaching, and yes, gets the girl.  Ohh yea he even makes it to the UFC for the big final fight.  Does he save the school?  What do you think?

This film succeeds on many levels.  James, as always is great as the shlubby do gooder.  The fight sequences are funny, yet at the same time wonderfully choreographed.  There are tons of real fighters in the film to add a sense of realism, and the humor works well.  However its Bass Rutten who steals ever scene he is in.  He has tons of charisma and screen presence.  And its always geat to see a tough guy give a silly performance.

Overall I like it.  It a funny feel good movie, that made me laugh, and made me feel good. And one other plus it's clean humor so its something the whole family can watch toghether.  I would highly recommend checking it out.

Overall 3 out of 5 Stars!

Saturday, February 23, 2013


Mei, a young girl whose memory holds a priceless numerical code, finds herself pursued by the Triads, the Russian mob, and corrupt NYC cops. Coming to her aid is an ex-cage fighter whose life was destroyed by the gangsters on Mei's trail.

Safe aka Jason Statham kills 3/4 of New York.  Statham play a guy, who was supposed to take a dive in a MMA fight, unfortunately he puts his opponent in a coma.  So, as he was doing this for the Russian mob, they kill his pregnant wife and tell him that anyone he ever has contact with will die as well.  pretty cool set up.  So Statham basically just wanders the streets alone.

One day hes thinking about jumping in front of a train when he sees a little girl being chased by some of the Russians who killed his wife.  He follows them, then in true Statham fashion absolutely decimates them. 

Turns out this girl has been working for a Triad gang and has a code for a safe combination.  The Russians want this, as do every crooked cop in the city.  So its up to Statham to protect her, and boy does he.

Car chases, tons of martial arts sequences, shoot outs, double crosses, you name it.  This is an amazing action packed film.  The pacing is frantic, and it never slows down.  This is probably Statham's 2nd best film (Transporter 2 Rocks), and the best Action film of 2012.  Do not miss this.

Overall 5 out of 5 Stars!

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Total Recall (2012)


A factory worker, Douglas Quaid, begins to suspect that he is a spy after visiting Rekall - a company that provides its clients with implanted fake memories of a life they would like to have led - goes wrong and he finds himself on the run

Ok, ok, I know its not the Arnold film, but its damn good.  In fact its not really even a remake, more of a re imagining.

In this version Collin Farrell steps up as Doug Quade, a factory worker who keeps having super spy flashback dreams.  he decides to go to Recall, when he can get a fantasy implanted in his brain.  He picks Secret Agent.  Turns out he already is one.  A group of soldiers show up and he takes them out in one long single camera shot.

His wife Lori, played by Kate Beckinsale is not happy this happened and she goes after him.  Luckily he is aided by his real girlfriend Melina.  See he used to work for Cohagen, played by Bryan Cranston from Breaking Bad fame.  Cohagen wants to wipe out the Colony, a place where lower, to middle class live to make more room for the rich.  To do this he needs to lure out a rebel by the name of Matthias.  That's where Quade comes in, as he used to work for Cohagen, and now has a fake memory implanted so he can be a plant.

This film takes place on earth, not Mars, and for that matter has very few similarities.  It does however have amazing action scenes.  Hover Car chases, gun battles, hand to hand fights, the works.  Great special effects, great cast, and a nice pace keep this moving right along.  Once again its not the original, but its a hell of a ride.

Overall 4 out of 5 Stars!

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

In case you did not know!

In case you did not notice.  The Big Kahuna Movie Reviews has undergone a name change (Don't worry address is the same) to Vault of Mysterious Reviews.  This is due to the fact that myself, and T-Shirt Joe have a 3 day a week podcast now.  The Vault of Mysterious Information.  The main link is

There is a link there to this site, Mysterious News, Mysterious Toy Reviews, and coming soon Mysterious Book Reviews.  Also please take the time to give us a "Like" on Face Book

All episodes of the show are available on ITunes.

Have a look, and a listen, and enjoy.  Feedback is always welcome!

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Universal Soldier Day of Reckoning!

John looks to take down Luc Deveraux after a home invasion claims his wife and daughter. The fight pits John against Andrew Scott and an army of genetically enhanced warriors; meanwhile, he must contend with a UniSol in relentless pursuit.

Scott Adkins, who I am a big fan of takes center stage in this installment of Universal Soldier.  You basically see everything through his eyes, and remember things as he does.  He plays a guy who's wife and daughter are killed by Jean Claude Van Damme and his group of Unisols.  Yes, Van Damme is the bad guy in this one.

So Van Damme, and Dolph Lundgren, who looks like Ted Knight on Roids in this film, are making Unisols remember who they are.  Like sleeper cells.  Adkins is one of these guys, or is he?  Guess you have to watch through his eyes and find out.

I have to say the action scenes are amazing.  Adkins can fight like no ones business.  Machetes to the head, axes to the foot, and baseball bats to the body.  Fantastic fight sequences.  The rest, I just don't know.  Its like watching a weird first person art house film with brutality.  I like action films, yet dislike art house stuff.  It cool, yet really dumb.  Action packed, yet rather dull.  I don't know how to describe it.

Bottom line, watch the film for the action not the plot.  Its a different entry in the series to say the least.

Overall 2 out of 5 Stars!

Saturday, February 16, 2013

The Dark Knight Rises

Eight years on, The Dark Knight, Gordon and newcomer John Blake are pushed to their breaking points whilst desperately trying to handle Gotham's biggest ever threat: a legendary masked terrorist mastermind known only as Bane

  Ok, I figured it was high time I gave my two cents on this film, and as an avid comic book reader, with Batman being my favorite character I feel I am more than qualified to write this review.  Dark Knight Rises takes place about 8 years after Batman took the fall for Harvey Dent.  Because Dent is now regarded as a hero crime has all but vanished in Gotham.  And as hes a wanted man Batman has vanished as well.  Bruce Wayne has become a Howard Hugh's type recluse, who sunk all his money into a thermo fusion device.

Turns out there is a evil corporate raider out there who wants Wayne's company.  To help take it over he enlists a cat burglar names Selina Kyle, and a terrorist named Bane.Turns out Ban know Bruce is Batman.  Also turns out Bruce has gotten the itch to become Batman again, and comes out of retirement.  He of course fights Bane, and gets not only his ass kicked but his back broke.  Then for his troubles he gets thrown into a prison cell.

While Batman is broken Bane takes over Gotham but blowing up a football stadium, and letting everyone know he has the thermal device which is also a thermal bomb.  He says if anyone trys to leave he will destroy the whole city.  He frees all the prisoners from jail, and locks all the rich people up.

Do I need to tell you Batman comes back to save the day?  No I don't.  He gets help from Selina Kyle, who we all know as Catwoman, although she is never called that in the film.  Also there is a patrol man named Blake who assists as well.  So is this a good film?  Yes and No.

See its a good film, effective, and nicely tied into the other films thus completing a trilogy.  Bane was never much of a villain to me, but he was effective in this.  But I have a hard time rating this as I have to look at it from the comic book fan in me.

See, basically this story is a combination of The Dark Knight Returns, No Mans Land, and the entire Knightfall saga.  So to take these 3 giant storyline, combine them, add to them the mythology that you have created in previous films and shrink it to a 2 hour plus film is amazing and should get you a 5 star rating.

However I have no proof Nolan did this.  So on the other hand I could say this was a bunch of jumbled up shit crammed into the last film of a series to try and close everything out in a manner that makes no sense, yet offers no surprises, thus earning it a 1 star review.

So I will have to give this a somewhere in the middle review.  Its not a bad film, but by o means a great one.  I liked it, but in the same sense had problems with it.

Overall 2.5 out of 5 Stars!

Monday, February 4, 2013

Hotel Transylvania

Dracula, who operates a high-end resort away from the human world, goes into overprotective mode when a boy discovers the resort and falls for the count's teen-aged daughter.

So a long time ago villagers burned down Dracula's Castle, killing his wife and leaving him alone to raise his daughter.  Because of this Dracula hates humans, and decided to build a giant Hotel for all the creatures to come to, to be safe.

 On the eve of his Daughters Birthday a human stumbles upon the castle, and the two take a shine to each other.  Will the human and Dracula's daughter be together?  Will Dracula learn to like humans?  What do you think?

Yes this plot is basic, and a no brainer, but the cartoon is fun.  It features Adam Sandler as Dracula, Kevin James as Frankenstein, Steve Buscemi as The Wolfman, Jon Lovitz as Quasimodo and David Spade as The Invisible Man.  SO there you have it, its an animated Adam Sandler movie.  Fart Jokes, toilet humor, you name it.  And the best part, there is nothing scary about it.  Yes this is geared for kids.  So parents its perfectly safe.  My son is 3 and he has watched about 15 times in the last 3 days. 

Kids will dig the songs, yes Dracula does rap, the silliness, and the jokes.  Adults, like myself who grew up watching Universal Monster films will like it as well.  Honestly I cannot recommend this enough.

Overall 4 out of 5 Stars!

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Death Race Inferno

Convicted cop-killer Carl Lucas, aka Frankenstein, is a superstar driver in the brutal prison yard demolition derby known as Death Race. Only one victory away from winning freedom for himself and his pit crew.

Death Race Inferno pick up right when Death Race 2 ends.  Frank Lucas is now thought dead, having been in a horrible car fire.  He is badly burned and disfigured, but is given a deal.  He will be surgically repaired, along with the condition he wear a mask and goes by the name Frankenstein.  One condition he cannot tell his crew.  He agrees, and as Frankenstein wins 4 races.  5 race gets you and your crew freedom.  Unfortunately there is a corporate raid and Death race is taken over by the evil Niles York.
York wants to take the race to South Africa for a giant desert Baja Death Race, and tells Frankenstein he will be killed if he wins.  From there we have 70 minutes of violent car chase mayhem.  Even a big battle royal to the death between the women navigators.

The film is fantastic.  Everything an action fan needs.  It is the last chapter in the trilogy, as it ends where the Statham film would be set to start.  The fights, and car scenes are all state of the art.  My only question is, why does no one ever shoot at the tires of the other drivers car?  With that question aside I highly recommend.

Overall 4 out of 5 stars.!

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Taken 2

In Istanbul, retired CIA operative Bryan Mills and his wife are taken hostage by the father of a kidnapper Mills killed while rescuing his daughter

Ok remember how Liam Neeson killed all those guys in Taken?  Turns out they had families.  Said family are now out for revenge.  Basic plot.  So far so good.
  So Liam is heading to Istanbul to work security for some dude, they don't really say and he invites his ex wife and daughter to join him.  See his ex wife is getting divorced from her current husband and he canceled a romantic vacation they had planed.  So you know nothing says romance like Istanbul. 
Once there The bad guys show up and TAKE Liam and his ex wife, so he has to call his daughter to help him escape, and save the day.
  First issue, when the group of bad guys show up the first time Liam is beating the crap out of them until they bring out his ex wife with a gun to her head.  He pulls out his phone and calls his daughter.  Yes they let him talk on his phone.
  Then his daughter finds him and they have a huge car chase scene.  Problem is, is his daughter keeps flunking her driving test in the states.  Yet somehow she can weave in and out of traffic during shootouts in a foreign country.
  Plot twist aside the film is ok.  I say ok because of the way the fight scenes are filmed.  It looks like it was filmed by an epileptic on a trampoline.  
If you can handle shaky cam fight scenes your fine.  The plot is exactly what you expect, and it has a nice 90 minute run time so its hard to get board.  Not as good as part one, but a good way to kill an afernoon.

Overall 3 out of 5 stars

Tuesday, January 15, 2013


A special forces unit sent, to infiltrate Pine Gap Australia's top secret underground military compound, come under attack from unknown forces

Ok, let me say this before I start, the last good Australian film I saw was Dead End Drive In.  That was about 25 years ago.  So needless to say I was interested to give Australian cinema another chance after years of crap.  Crawlspace, suffice to say peaked my interest in Australian Horror once again.
  Set inside an underground facility, a group of soldiers go in to investigate a security breach.  What they find is a facility that is doing experiments on people. 
  They set off into a giant maze of "Crawlspaces" looking for various escapees, and instead encounter at first a giant razorback type monster, random crazy's an evil scientist, because you have to have one of those in every good film, and a bizzar girl named Eve who has telekinesis.  Seem she was heavily experimented on and can now make people see things via her mind.
  The title fits as the film does take place mostly in a crawlspace.  Its done quite well.  It has the same claustrophobic feel that the original Alien film had.  Followed that up with good special effects, both practical, and CGI, and a very good cast and you have yourself a hell of an entertaining suspense filled ride.  I should note I did get a few jump scares. 
  Overall I would highly recommend checking this out.  In the world of remakes, this is a fresh, and new concept.

Overall 3 out of 4 Stars!

Dredd 3D

In a violent, futuristic city where the police have the authority to act as judge, jury and executioner, a cop teams with a trainee to take down a gang that deals the reality-altering drug, SLO-MO

  Not to be confused with the Stallone Judge Dredd (Which I actually liked) this one is much more true to the comic.  Violent, over the top, action packed, and cheese as all hell.

  In the future, law enforcers are Judges.  Judge, as in Jury and Executioner as well.  There cops who can give sentence to the criminals they go after.  Life, parole, warning, death sentence.  Judge Dredd is the most feared Judge in Mega City One. 

  The plot is simple, Dredd and his new partner, a really hot psychic rookie judge are investigating a homicide at a block in a slum area.  The block is actually a giant high rise building that is being controlled by a crime lord named Ma Ma.  She is producing a new drug called Slow-Mo which gets you so high it makes you think time is slowing down.  Dredd and his partner take a suspect in for questioning, but before they can leave Ma Ma, who doesn't want the perp giving up any info on her organization has the building locked down, and orders Judge Dredd and his partner killed.

What follows in about 70 minutes of over the top action as Dredd must make his way up the Block to get to Ma Ma (Bad guys are always on the top of the high rise) amid chain guns, thugs, dirty cops, and random Block Dwellers.  Violence galoer, with over the top gore make this not only a winner for fans of the book, but for action lovers as well.

Highly Recommended!

3 out of 5 Stars.