Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Burning Moon

Plot Synopsis: The Burning Moon centers on two bedtime stories that a delinquent brother reads his kid sister. These disturbingly morbid stories focus on a serial killing blind date and a murderous, psychotic priest

  So Burning Moon is finally out on DVD, and worth every penny.  Looks and sounds great.  Its a bout a fat, psycho drug addict who's parents make him baby sit his sister on night.  What kind of parents are these people?  So he does what any psycho drug abusing ass would do.  Shoots up some heroin and decides o tell the little girl a few bedtime story's.
  The first is about a guy who breaks out of the looney bin and terrorises some chick he goes out on a date with.  Pretty cool story, he wipes out her whole family.  The 2nd is about a priest who is really a devil worshiper going around killing people.  Whens the towns people (As I have said before towns people are always stupid) blame some big off and murder him, vigilante justice style he comes back for revenge.  Full on revenge. 
  This film is very violent, and gross.  Decapitations, guts ripped out, stabbings, drills to teeth, you name it.  Its like an X Rated Tales From The Crypt.
  Check it out!

Overall 3 out of 5 Stars

Wednesday, March 7, 2012


Plot Synopsis: A young woman, after witnessing her parents' murder as a child in Bogota, grows up to be a stone-cold assassin.

The skinny as all hell Zoe Saldana, who looks like Mike Tyson on crack stars in the film as a girl who watches her parents get killed when shes little.  She escapes and comes to live in America where she trains to be an assassin.  Sounds basic, it is.  The opening scene where the hit squad kills her parents and chases her down is great.  The first act of her as an adult killing a guy in prison is fantastic too.  To bad there is still about 1 hour to go.  One long boring as shit hour.  I fell asleep twice.
  Zoe should eat a few cheeseburgers so she can bulk up to lets say 75 lbs.  She would look better.  That's my only advise to her.  My advise to you is to watch on cable.  Don't buy the disc.

Overall 1 out of 5 stars!

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The Green Lantern

Plot Synopsis: A test pilot is granted an alien ring that bestows him with otherworldly powers, as well as membership into an intergalactic squadron tasked with keeping peace within the universe.

  I love comic books, I love comic book movies.  My 3 year old son loves comic book movies.  Green Lantern is one of his favorite characters.  He loves this film.  Unfortunately he is the target audience, because if your over the age of 6, and the effects don't amaze you, you are left with one pile of crap.
  Ryan Reynolds stars as Hal Jordan, who is given a ring, which turns him into the Green Lantern.  See all the lanterns use the power of green.  The bad guys use yellow, as yellow is fear.  I guess that's why you piss yourself when your scared, you know, as pee is yellow.  Anyway a giant cloud of fear is coming to destroy earth and only the Green Lantern can stop it.
  Simple plot, that's mainly because the whole film is a giant set up for part 2.  Too bad this film made 50 cents and there wont be a part 2.  Every character, was just a set up for what probably would have been a cool sequel.  That is if they get a different director, and writer. 
  The effects are amazing.  Probably the best I have seen in a comic book film.  But there dumb.  For instance, there is a scene where a helicopter is going to crash, so the green lantern uses his ring to encase the crashing chopper into a stock car frame and drive it on a giant track, complete with loop until it lands safely.  Why didn't he just glide it down, or make a giant green blade, or even make a giant mat for it to fall on?  Who knows.
  If you have a small child, or your IQ is under 25 you will probably enjoy this.  If not just stay away.

Overall 1 out of 5 Stars!

Monday, March 5, 2012

Cowboys & Aliens

Plot Synopsis: A spaceship arrives in Arizona, 1873, to take over the Earth, starting with the Wild West region. A posse of cowboys and natives are all that stand in their way.

  So Daniel Craig gets abducted by aliens, and escapes, stealing an alien hand blaster gun along the way.  As he was probably anal probed he represses his memories, and has short term amnesia.  He stumbles into a town, and gets locked up.  Harrison Ford learns hes there and gets his boys together to kill him, as he robbed Ford before he got abducted.
  So when Ford and his Posse show up so do a bunch of aliens who snatch half the town.  Luckily Craig has an alien laser gun thing, so he teams up with Ford to get everyone back, and stop the evil aliens from taking over the world, or whatever their plan was.
  This film stinks.  It is played way to serious, where it would have been better if it was done more tongue and cheek.  I cant tell if Craig is trying to hard to look tough, or if hes constipated.  Ford once again proves hes not a good actor, just a guy who got lucky playing good characters.  The effects are good.  But the one thing that kept bothering me was how Daniel Craig was killing every alien in sight with his one blaster gun, while all the aliens had them.  Was he the only living being in the universe that was good with one?  Or was he able to kill everyone because he has a license to kill?  Wait, that was a different character.  Avoid this film like the plague.

Overall 1 out of 5 stars!

Sunday, March 4, 2012

In Time

Plot Synopsis: In a future where people stop aging at 25, but are engineered to live only one more year, having the means to buy your way out of the situation is a shot at immortal youth. Here, Will Salas finds himself accused of murder and on the run with a hostage - a connection that becomes an important part of the way against the system.

  So in the future, you earn time, not cash.  You have lots of time, your rich and live in the good neighborhood, or time zones as they are called.  If your poor you have hardly anytime, and live in the ghetto.  Well one day in the hood some deadbeat chick who cant pay her bills, and sponges off her kid, even though he has no time either dies when she runs out of time.  This white trash whore is Justin Timberlake's mom.
  Luckily for Timberlake he just got a Century worth of time from a rich guy who wanted to die.  So he decides to take down the system.  He goes to the rich part of town and starts putting his patented boy band moves on Amanda Seyfried.  Too bad the time police think he killed the rich guy and they drive up to arrest him.  He escapes, taking her hostage.
  When her dad wont pay the ransom, the two decide to start knocking off banks and then give the time they steal away, so the whole rich, poor establishment collapses.  Sound cool?  Too bad its boring.
  Timberlake is very good, which proves boy band singers should transition into films more often.  Marky Mark anyone?  Seyfriend is annoying, and not much to look at.  Hell the chick who played his dirt poor, deadbeat mom was hotter.  I would have reversed the roles.  The film moves slow, there are no surprises, and hell even no real ending.
  Watch it on cable on a Sunday afternoon if nothing else is on.  Otherwise avoid.

Overall 2 out of 5 Stars!

Saturday, March 3, 2012


Plot Synopsis: A  mysterious Hollywood stuntman, mechanic and getaway driver lands himself in trouble when he helps out his neighbour.

  Ok so this is a weird film.  Its about a guy named Driver, I say that because they never give his name, they just call him the driver.  He's played, very effectively I might add by Ryan Gosling.  So Driver is a loner who fixes cars at an auto body shop, works as a stunt driver in Hollywood, and moonlights as a getaway driver.  Busy guy.  He doesn't talk much, in fact maybe he only says 15 sentences in the whole film, I am assuming he doesn't talk as he is tired from working so many different jobs.  So he meets his neighbor and her young son and starts falling for her, or something, its unclear why a non caring loner would suddenly bond/fall for a girl and her kid who he just met 2 days prior.  Anyway the girl's husband get out of jail and is being forced to pull a robbery.  Driver helps him, but things go wrong.  That's where the film changes gears, literally.
  See the first 45 minutes of this film is like watching an art house film.  Mostly music with very little dialogue.  After the robbery goes wrong it turns into a 70's style exploitation flick.  Very bloody and violent.  Very cool as well.  It features a great cast.  Albert Brooks steps away from comedy to play a crime boss, and the always great Ron Pearlman plays his crazy partner.  Gosling is very believable as a bad ass driver, who has no problems beating you to death when he needs to. 
  However there are a few questions.  The main one, like I mentioned before, is why would a guy with no feelings fall for someone he just met.  Its not like the girl was hot.  I found her quite ugly to be honest with you, but at least she had nicer eyebrows than the Abduction girl.  And there is a long scene where Gosling puts on a mask and begins stalking Ron Pearlman.  I understand you would wear a mask to cover your identity, but he left on his white satin coat with a giant gold scorpion on the back on.  Couldn't he be identified by that?  Also he never wore a mask during any of the robbery's he drove for.  I know for a fact there are street cameras all over LA.  Why was he never caught?
  Silly things like that aside, this was probably the best film of 2011.  Like I said its a combination of art house, and exploitation that surprisingly works wonderfully.  However it is not for everyone.  I have recommended it to at least 12 people.  Only one liked it.  It's very different which I liked, as I am sick of the remake trend, and very well filmed and acted.  Check it out, and watch it twice if you don't like it the first time.

Overall 4 out of 5 Stars!

Friday, March 2, 2012


Plot Synopsis: A thriller centered on a young man who sets out to uncover the truth about his life after finding his baby photo on a missing persons website.

  Ok, so I originally didn't want to see this, as I hate Twilight, and this film stars the muscular kid with a lot of baby fat, who I think plays the werewolf dog looking thing in Twilight.  However, I found it quite a good popcorn film.  So giant dog guy from Twilight plays a kid who one day sees himself on a missing person web site.  Turns out his dad was a super secret agent, or something like that.  His mom got killed buy a bad guy when he was little, and now the bad guy has found him!  So the bad guys goons kill his fake parent and come after him, and his ass ugly girlfriend looking for a list of secret codes that he has in his possession.
  Luckily for our hero his fake dad trained him in Martial Arts, and Boxing, and weapons so he beats the shit out of every one who comes after him.  Which was smart of his fake dad to do, not only because he must have known the bad guys would come after him, but because he somehow lost his werewolf turning ability.
  The action scenes are very good, Sigourney Weaver once again proves that even she looks hot in a push up bra.  Taylor Lautner is a good teenage action star, but who in the hell cast Lilly Collins as his hot girlfriend.  She is grotesque.  Look at her.  She has a giant uni brow that she clearly does not know how to properly shave.  Her eyebrows are so nasty, words cant describe it.  There pitch black, and thick as hell.  She looks like an old school Russian Dictator.  Every time she was on screen I just found myself looking at that hideous thing above her crocked eyes.
  Eyebrow girl aside, I recommend this film.  Its really good.

Overall 3 out of 5 Stars!