Friday, September 30, 2011

Marked For Death!



Plot Synopsis: Chicago DEA agent John Hatcher has just returned from Colombia, where his partner was killed in the line of duty by a drug dealer who has since been taken down. As a result of his partner's death, John has decided to retire, but his retirement may not be permanent.  

 Ok, I'll admit it before I go any further, I like Steven Segal.  I prefer his older stuff, but I even like his new stuff.  So he got fat, he got old to.  He can still beat your ass, provided he can catch you.  Marked for Death is his 3rd film, and it's my personally favorite.  He's thin in it, so no long trench coat and yellow sunglasses. 
  Segal stars as John, a DEA agent who after the worlds most botched attempt at a drug by, yes Segal botched this one.  See his partner (Hey you gotta have a partner to get killed) lets a guy who made them escape, Segal has to do his patented school girl run and kick the guy through a fence, then tie him up and throw him in his car.  Problem is this guy ran through town, so in all honesty everyone probably saw them anyway.  But they still go, get found out, and after a short gun fight Segals partner is killed, and Segal decides to retire, and go and visit his family.  Side note, these things never end well for the respected family.  These guys need to retired to an island where their loved ones will stop being hurt or murdered.
  So Segal decides to look up his buddy, who is now a high school football coach.  They go out for a few drinks, when suddenly The Jamaican Voodoo Posse show up and gun down a local crime lord in the bar.  Segal grabs one of the Jamaicans, and has him arrested.  Turns out the Posse are the local crack dealers in town,and the coach wants to bring them down, but Segal want to stay retired, until he goes home and the Jamaicans riddle his house in a drive by, hitting his niece.  The shit is on!
  Segal and his buddy decide enough is enough and go after the gang.  They roll up on the Jamaicans, who are smoking weed in a BMW, and pull a gun on them trying to get information on where there leader Screwface is.  The Jamaicans fire back and speed down the street.  Segal gives chase in a 1984 Bronco.  Luckily this is Segal so he keeps right up with the BMW, even cutting them off, and forcing them to crash into a jewelry store where he uses his Akido skill to beat down all 5 guys.  For some reason he is not arrested.  Neither is his buddy, who is running around doing nothing with a sawed off shotgun.  Yup, no cops show up at all.  They must know better then to mess with Segal.  So the DEA sends there top Jamaican agent to help Segal go to Jamaica and take out Screwface, who everyone believes has magical voodoo powers.
  He powers are no mach for the Akido, and lighting fast running of Segal who breaks into Screwface's compound, kills the guards, then kills Screwface.
  He goes back home to tell the gang its all over, when suddenly Screwface appears.  Turns out he has a twin brother who grabs a sword and attacks Segal.  Unfortunately for him Segal is a master of the sword, and stabs him in the crotch, and knocks him down an elevator shaft impaling him.  The Jamaicans back off, as Segal carrys his Jamaican DEA agent friend out of the building.  He was killed.  Come on action film, black friend, hes gotta die.
  This is Segals best work.  The plot is simple to follow, but very cool.  The voodoo aspect of the gang is cool, and they actually hired real Jamaicans to play the parts.  The action scenes are amazing.  Say what you want about Segal, but he is a legitimate Akido Master, and it shows in this film.  I had the privilege of seeing this opening night in a packed movie theatre with a wild action crowd and loved every minute of it.  Check it out, I watch it several times a year.  Like I said earlier, I still watch Segal's films, and like them, but the new stuff doesnt hold a candel to his early work.  Check this out!

Overall 4 out of 5 Stars!

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Unforgiven



Plot Synopsis: Retired Old West gunslinger William Munny reluctantly takes on one last job, with the help of his old partner and a young man.

I like to post on the Dead Pit message boards.  People there are pretty cool, helpful, and passionate about there films.  There is a poster there named Shloggs.  He is the writer of Shloggs Horror Blog.  A site you should check out if you haven't.  Very well written lengthy intelligent takes on cinema.  Basically the opposite of my mindless humor filled ramblings.  With that said He stated that Unforgiven is a great action film, with true tough guy characters.  I countered the heroes of the film would be to riddled with arthritis to pull out a 6 shooter, and they would collapse under the weight of there trench coats.  He responded by saying Lorenzo Lamas films have warped my mind.  This is probably true.  However in my defense, I like Clint Eastwood.  I just hate Westerns.  Tombstone is a good film, because of the cast.  Quick and the Dead is good, but I really in all fairness cant consider that a western.  I am a huge fan of Brisco County Jr. but that had sci fi elements to it.  But to be fair I decided to get Unforgiven, and watch it again with a complete fair open mind.  So here we go.
  Unforgiven starts of with a couple of cowboys slicing up a whore at a whorehouse.  They cut her good.  They actually keep cutting her until its broken up by the owner of the brothel.  He ties the cowboys up, and calls the sheriff played by Lex Luthor himself Gene Hackman.  So Hackman, slowly drags his old ass to the whorehouse where all the other whores are demanding these 2 guys be hung, but Hackman doesn't want any trouble in his town so he makes them promise to give the owner some horses in exchange.  This brings up an interesting point.  Why horses?  Why not money?  Is there going to be some bestiality going on in this here whore house?
  Anyway the girls don't like this so they scrape up all there money and give it to the girl who has ben disfigured and tell her to start a new life.  No, that's not what happens.  Although it would be nicer, and make more sense.  However that would make for a dull film.  They decide to put a thousand dollar bounty on the 2 cowboys, much to the disgust of Gene Hackman.  I think it was disgust, he always looks the same.  Maybe he just had heartburn.  So a young punk up and coming gunslinger decided to go after the reward.  He decides he needs some back up and goes to a pig farm to find Clint Eastwood.  See Eastwood was a vicious gunfighter back in the day, but now he raises pigs with his 2 kids.  He doesn't want to kill anymore and tells the kid to leave.  Plus he's in no shape, hes old too.  Hell, this guy falls down in pig shit trying to catch a sick animal.  Unfortunately his pigs have a fever, and he may not have money to support him and his kids, see his wife is dead.  SO he get his guns and goes off to catch up to the kid and help him get the reward.  Also he just leaves his kids alone.  There like 8.  Father of the year.
  Seeing how hes old he decides he better get some help as well.  Geeze how many guys are gonna have to split this reward?  He decides to get Morgan Freeman.  Yes, that Morgan Freeman,  He just rides in while Freeman is drinking his Metamucil one morning, and get him to basically abandon his wife to they can go out and hunt these 2 cowboys together.
  Also at this time yet another old man (Boy this film is starting to remind me of WCW) named English Bob decides he want the reward, how did these hookers get the word out so quickly, and rides into town.  To bad Gene Hackman doesn't want him there, and basically stomps the crap out of him.  It's really not all that impressive.  Its like to old walruses tussling over a grape actually. Well tussling is a bad term, Bob doesn't even get in a move.  Hackman stomps him good and throws him out of town as an example.
  While this is going on Clint and Freeman catch up to the kid and head into town.  It stars raining really hard, and I was sure the 2 old bastards would die of pneumonia, but they don't, maybe that why Sholggs thinks there tough. and they go to the saloon, where that darn Hackman is waiting.  He doesn't allow guns in his town.  So when he finds a gun on Clint he beats him down.  SO far Hackman is the only tough guy in this film, but hes basically just beating down senior citizens.
  So Freeman stiches Eastwood up and the three go off still looking for the 2 cowboys.  They find and kill one, making Hackman even angrier.  So angry he captures Freeman and whips him for information.  While this whipping is going on Eastwood and the kid find the other cowboy, and the kids shoots him while hes taking a crap.  God I guess hackman is the only bad ass in this film.  But wait!  One of the whores shows up and tells Eastwood that Freeman has been killed and has ben placed in a coffin in the middle of town  for all  to see.  The coffin is actually open and you can see his dead body.  Cue the music, cause Dirty Harry is back.
  Clint rides into town, and basically kills the entire bar, Hackman included.  Then he just leaves, and he leaves with no problem as no one want to mess with him now.  He goes home, and over the end credits we learn he went to San Fransisco to sell dry goods.
  Ok, so, here's what I'll say.  All kidding and age jokes aside, this is a hell of a cast.  These guys might be relics, but they can give a performance.  The violence is good, if your an action fan.  And if you dig westerns you probably love, or would love this film.  I just cant get into it.  Its the whole setting thing.  I would re do it and have Lorenzo Lamas ride up on his Harley in a bad part of town, where the crooked cop, played by Burt Reynolds hates Motorcycle guys.  SO Lorenzo gets Jason Statham, and Keanu Reeves to help him clean up the town and avenge the death of a friendly hooker played by Eva Mendez.  That would be better, and it would have kung fu fights.  And car chases, becasue watching people ride on horses is boring. And then we should havedoves fly overhead durring the finnal battle when Burt pulls out the ace in his sleave, and has Dolph Lundgrin show up as his bodyguard.  God that would be sweet, and better than this.

Overall 2 out of 5 Stars!

Avatar



Plot Synopsis: A paraplegic marine dispatched to the moon Pandora on a unique mission becomes torn between following his orders and protecting the world he feels is his home

  Have you ever seen a movie so bad you fell asleep twice, and were so board you couldn't fall asleep for a 3rd time?  I have, 3 times actually.  The first was Emma, actually I was so board during that I couldn't sleep.  I just watched the clock for over 2hrs.  Second time was Titanic.  God that was awful!  Boat sinks, people die, forbidden lovers are torn apart.  You can get that from the poster.  Didn't need to experience it for close to 3 hours.  And third, Avatar, a film, that like Titanic was made by Ego Manic James Cameron.
  Have you seen Dances With Wolves?  I have, hated it, never finished.  This film can be described 2 ways. 
1.) Dances with Wolves meets Aliens who look lie giant Smurfs.
2.) I'm James Cameron watch me suck my dick onscreen via visual effects.
   I said it, I hate you James Cameron.  Your washed up as hell.  You did a good job on Terminator, Aliens was a good action flick, and I'll admit I liked Piranha II.  That's it.  You have no talent, no skill, you just use tons, and tons of CGI to cover the fact you make shallow piles of crap.  So this pile of crap centers on a paraplegic scientist who needs to go to the Avatar World (It has a name, I just don't remember, nor do I care) how is he an action star in a wheel chair?  Easy, he uses and Avatar.  And much like the fat pimply faced guys who use Avatars in World Of Warcraft, he's now a fully functional Marin.  His partner is Joel David Moore.  Right there, I'm out!  Joel was J.P from Grandmas Boy (Highly entertaining film BTW) so no matter what he does he will always be JP, the guy who talks like a robot.  I just thought of something.  There were Marines in Aliens.  God Cameron your so lazy you steal your own stuff.  You don't even have the energy or desire to rip off someone else.
  See us humans are bad, were not one with the earth like these aliens.  I know your thinking so what the aliens have lasers and space ships.  No, they have spears.  Yes as in blade tied to end of a stick, and they ride giant flying goats.  They do this buy taking there pony tail and shoving in the goats ass.  That way they are one with the goat.
  So Jake (That's the guys name) goes out into Smurf world, and gets separated from his group when he's attacked by giant lama, or something and ends up getting lost in the woods.  It's there he meets the daughter of the Smurf tribes king.  Do I even need to continue.  You know where its going.  Ok, I'll go a little more.    Some stuff happens, but I was sleeping.  Then the evil humans tell Jake they will fix his legs if he spies on Papa Smurf and his clan.  He reluctantly agrees but when he reports to home base that the Smurf will never leave there mushroom houses, the humans decide just to wipe them out.
  So Jake, the trustworthy guy he is, decides to help the Smurfs, and tames the wildest goat flying thing out there, and give a great Lombardi speech to the Smurfs who all rally behind him, and defeat the evil humans.  Some stuff may have happened in between but I was sleeping again.
  Is the film visually stunning?  You bet, too bad Drive Angry had the better 3D.  Yes that's right Cameron.  Drive Angry looked better in 3D.  Is the movie good.  NO!  Boring, Boring, and more boring.  Give me 200 million dollars, I'll make a movie about smurfs and flying goats people will like.  I know I am in the minority here, but I recommend you avoid.

Overall 0 out of 5 Stars!

A Very Special Announcment

As October is upon us, and Halloween is right around the corner, October will be Horror Month!  All Horror films, every day!

Romy and Michelles High School Reunion



Plot Synopsis: Two women get into a lot of trouble when they go to their high school reunion and lie about their lives after twelfth grade 

 A few days ago I watched Bridesmaids. I was told its the funniest, raunchiest comedy out there, and the sell point is that it's also a chick flick.  It's funny in parts, but it doesn't hold a candle to the best girl movie ever made. Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion. 
  I absolutely adore this film.  Its funny, has a great 80's soundtrack, and vibe.  The chemistry between Lisa Kudrow, and Mira Sorvina is fantastic, and all in all its just an enjoyable film.  As it is a comedy this review will be short, as its almost impossible to give away jokes, and lets face it, your reading, not watching so I cant really discuss sight gags either.
  Romy and Michell are two best friends, who in my opinion should have explored a lesbian relationship, as they are both so hot!  They have been best friends forever and live together in LA.  They get a letter inviting them to there 10 year reunion, and desperately want to make up an elaborate story to sound successfuly, and important.  See they were laughed at by the popular kids.  Not really sure why, as the popular kids were pretty ugly, and they were hot as hell.  And now they are far from successful.  Romy is unemployed, and Michelle works the counter at a rent a car store.  It also leads me to wonder one other thing.  If they were laughed at in High school, by people they didn't like anyway, in a town they hated, why would they want to go back.
  But they want to go so they decide to tell everyone they invented Post It's.  Problem is, and yes much like a real 80's film, this has your typical 80's style catch.  A friend of theres shows up and reveals they did not in fact invent Post It's.  You know I have to ask, why would to airheads, who lets be honest, may be hot, but are clearly dumb as shit say they invented Post It's?  I guess they came up with that because they are so dumb.  There is no way in hell anyone would have ever believed them anyway. 
  In the end though they stand up to the popular girls and dance with a former nerd, who is now rich.  And as the nerd always liked Romy, he loans them money to open up their own clothing store.  That's the only part I found bad.  The dance with the nerd to end the reunion.  They should have danced together, dirty danced, lambada if you will.  Because in case I forgot to mention, there both hot!
  This is a great film, I really don't think I have ever heard anyone say a bad word about it.  It's what a film should be.  Fun, and entertaining.  I highly recommend this.

Overall 4 out of 5 Stars!

A New Feature......Maybe

  Ok, I know people read this, so please help me out and post here.  I want to know your top 5 favorite films, and the your 5 worst films.  Post them here, and I will pick one from each and review them.  I would like to start doing this once a week.  Thank you in advance for your corporation.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Sorry

Sorry for not having a review up today. I will make up for it tomorrow with 2 reviews and a brand new segment. And also if that wasn't enough a very special announcement.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The Last Dragon



Plot Synopsis: A young man searches for the "master" to obtain the final level of martial arts mastery known as the glow. Along the way he must fight an evil martial arts expert and  rescue a beautiful singer.


I must put this disclaimer up right off.  The names, dialogue, and plot have not been changed in this blog to protect the innocent.  This is actually a detailed description of this film!
  Do you know who Barry Gordy is?  He's the genius behind Motown Records.  Well, back in the 80's he decided he wanted to be the genius behind Kung Fu films.  He should have stuck with music.  Let it be known however I saw this film when I was a little kid, and did like it.  I still smile when I watch it today.
  The Last Dragon is the story of Leroy Green A.K.A Bruce Leroy.  A African American master of the martial arts.  We know he's a tough guy because he walks around Harlem wearing a rice picker hat, kung fu uniform, and eats his popcorn out of a pox with chop sticks.  Turns out that he has just completed his training, and must now go off in search of the final piece of martial arts mastery.  The Glow.  Sidebar.  I studied various form of martial arts for the better part of 15 years of my life.  I still to this day have never achieved the glow.  Turns out when your a true master you will glow.  Yup like glow in the dark.  Your body will become outlined in a bright glow.
  So Leroy is sitting at a theatre on 42nd street in Harlem, eating his popcorn with his chopsticks and watching Enter The Dragon when suddenly Sho Nuff, The Shogun of Harlem walks in.  He's flanked by his gang, who look like kung fu rejects from Breaken 2 Electric Boogalo.  Sho Nuf is decked out in Akido pants, a red and black kung fu style shirt complete with shoulder pads, a red sun headband, and purple visor glasses.  Yes the kind that look like a pair of window blinds.  He wants to fight Bruce Leroy to prove he's the real master.  Not sure why though.  You think he would want Leroy walking around Harlem as it would draw the attention away from his ugly choice of outfits.  Also just who is Sho Nuff?  He's a bad guy obviously, but he doesn't run the town, or run drugs, or smuggle weapons, or operate an underground fight club.  He must just be a guy who beats other people up because he was probably always laughed at for his poor choice of outfits.  But Leroy doesn't want to fight him and walks off.  But don't worry, this is an action film so Sho Nuff beats up a bunch of people in the theatre who tell him to be quiet.
  Meanwhile across town Laura Charles, played by coked out 80's star Vanity it preparing to host her dance and video Soul Train type show when she learns a local mob boss Eddie Arcadian wants her to play his girlfriends music videos.  Well mob boss may be a strong term.  I say that because it's never said what type of criminal he is.  I think we are just to assume he's some type of underworld boss as he has henchmen, and a piranha in his fish tank.  Well the girls videos are awful so she wont play them.  He is just about to have her roughed up when Bruce Leroy saves the day, then runs off.  He is awkward around girls.  Actually he is awkward around everyone.  Even his kid broth makes fun of him.
  Turns out Leroy is also a thief as he seems to own a Kung Fu school in Watts.  Maybe he purchased it from the Black Belt Jones estate.  Anyway hes teaching the students, what he learned from his teacher.  Not cool, but hey chop sticks don't pay for themselves.  So during class Sho Nuff shows up and Leroy still wont fight him.  One of Leroy's students trys to stick up for him, but Sho Nuff grabs the guy and puts him in a choke and tells Leroy, and this is a direct quote. "Come on Coolie, get on your knees and kiss my Converse."  Leroy doesn't want his student to get hurt so he does.  Another side note.  Why would you take martial arts and let some guy push you around like that?
  Meanwhile Eddie Arcadian goons try to grab Laura again, but shes once again saved by Leroy.  Let's see this guy will beat down people to protect a stranger, but wont fight someone who is trying to hurt his friend.  While Leroy is busy watching Bruce Lee videos set to a Motown soundtrack with Laura Sho Nuff and his gang decide to pay Leroy's parents Pizza Shop a visit.  Daddy Greens Pizza.  Yes, that's the name.  And the stores motto is "Directa your feetsa to Daddy Greens Pizza"  They trash the the place, and even break the juke box.  And for some reason they just yell at Leroy for not fighting him, they don't even bother to call the cops.
  So now Eddie Arcadian decides he better hire more henchmen to fight Leroy, and who is one of these henchmen you ask?  Sho Nuff.  So Eddie kidnaps Laura as a trap to lure Leroy into saving her. So Leroy goes to the abandond music studio and has to fight like 100 guys, don't worry though, because Leroy's entire school shows up, and at the same time all the strobe lights and floor lights come on, as we have a huge disco style fight scene set to break dancing music.  Of course the last guy Leroy fight is Sho Nuff, who, whats this is glowing Red!  Guess Sho Nuff is the master.  But wait, whats this, now Leroy has the glow, all he had to do was believe in himself.  His glow is yellow, so he starts beating down Sho Nuff, who glow starts breaking apart.  Just then Edie finally does what he should have don in the beginning and shoot Leroy, but wait Leroy has the glow so he has caught the bullet in this teeth, and ties Eddie up for the police.  Which leads to this other question.  Why didn't he just call the cops in the first place and say "He this dude kidnapped this lady and he holding her at her place of work."  Ohh well.  Leroy Kisses Laura and more Motown Music plays.
  Yes, this is really what happened.  I have made nothing up. There is even a silly as hell subplot with Leroy going to a fortune cookie factory run by a bunch of Asian guys who act black, and in one scene even try to get Leroy to teach them how to play craps.  Sho Nuff is a very cool character, who has achieved cult status over the years.  Go to You Tube and type in Sho Nuff, there are even fan made tribute videos of him.  There was talk a few years back about remaking this with Sam Jackson starring as Sho Nuff.  Bad idea.  Like I said, I saw this when I was a little kid and did like it.  I like it now mostly for the cheese factor.  If you liked it when you were young, pick up the 8.00 DVD.  If you've never seen it, you probably should not buy it, but definitely check it out, even if it's just for a good laugh.

Overall 2 out of 5 Stars!

Monday, September 26, 2011

Kill And Kill Again!!!



Plot Synopsis: Dr. Horatio Kane has been kidnapped, and is being forced to create an army of martial artists who will help take over the world. His daughter, Kandy Kane, enlists the help of Steve Chase (and a few of his friends) to rescue her father before it's too late.  

 Just what is the greatest martial arts film ever made?  Most people say Enter the Dragon.  Some say Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon.  The Octagon is quite popular.  I know a few people who would say Bloodsport.  There all idiots!  Kill and Kill Again is hands down the greatest Kung Fu film ever made!  It's so good I still have the Beta-Max video tape.  It has everything you could want in a film.  Action, comedy, romance, evil villains.  Everything a serious film watcher would love.  I absolutely adore this film.  I first saw it when I was a little boy.  It played on cable no stop in the 80's and I watched it every time it was on.  This was the film that made me love martial arts.  I watch it at least once a year to this day.  I can recite the film verbatim, and even mimic all of the fight scenes.
  Kill and Kill Again stars James Ryan as Steve Chase, the worlds greatest martial artist.  The film starts with him at a hotel to receive an award for being the worlds best martial artist.  Didn't know there was such a thing.  Well hes running late as he's busy beating the crap out of a couple of guys who tried to assault a hot blond chick.  Turns out it was a set up and the blond, named Kandy Kane wanted to see just how good Chase is.  She liked what she saw and tells him she need him to rescue her father who has been kidnapped by the evil Marduke!  See her dad was working on a formula to extract fuel from potatoes, and turns out he discovered a by product which is a mind control serum.  So Marduke somehow not only found out about this, but got his hands on it and has taken over an entire town and renamed it New Babylonia.  He holds Enter the Dragon style matches with his champion The Optimist, and plans on releasing this potato mind control serum into the worlds water supply.  I have to say Marduke is a great villain.  Not because he;s evil, but because he wears a fake beard.  Yes a fake beard.  How do I know it's fake?  Because it is so cheap you can tell its glued on.
  So Steve Chase must go into new Babylonia and save the world.  But he needs a crack team.  Joining him will Be Kandy Kane, a martial arts master, Gypsy Billy, a former world kick boxer.  Gorilla, a former pro wrestler who now has a lifetime ban from the sport for biting peoples ears off.  Hot-Dog, a fast talking con man.  And The Fly, who is not only a Kung Fu master, but he can levitate, and walk down walls as well.
  As Marduke knows Steve and his team are coming for them, he has traps set up around every corner.  By traps I mean about 50 guys to attack the group, and also for Marduke to see if Chase is as good as they say, as he wants him to fight his Optimist.  Basically this is an excuse to have a large scale martial arts fight every 5 minutes.  Which is a good thing.  In fact in this 90minute film, I would say 70minutes of it are fight scenes  Basically Chase and his team drive about 10 miles get stopped by a group of Marduke's evil martial artists and a fight ensues.
  Of course Chase and his team make it into the town, are caught and each have to fight in a martial arts tournament, where Chase does his final battle with The Optimist.  It's really not that much of a battle as Chase handles him almost with ease.  The town is saved, and the potato mind control serum is destroyed.
  This really is my favorite martial arts film.  Its fun, has almost nothing in it but action, and the chemistry between all the leads is actually very good.  I have seen this well over 100 times easy.  The DVD is out of print and sells for a pretty good amount of cash.  Unfortunately its just a VHS Transfer, so hopefully one day it will get the release it deserves.  If you don't mind dropping over 50.00 though, just buy it.  It's the best martial arts film ever.  Some idiots will say "No, Enter The Dragon is the best martial arts film ever made."  Like I said, their idiots.  The bad guy in Enter The Dragon had a fake hand.  This bad guy has a fake beard!

Overall 5 out of 5 Stars!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

American Ninja



Plot Synopsis: American soldier, obviously very skilled in martial arts, single-handedly takes on mercenaries in the Philippines.


 I don't know why but I have been on a ninja kick lately.  I have said before I like ninjas.  Also I am a proud American, so it's safe to say I like American Ninja.
  Michale Dudikoff stars as Joe.  He's a soldier in the Army stationed in Hawaii.  He lost his memory, so he really remembers nothing about his childhood.  He was in and out of reform schools, so hes kind of a loner.  Turns out his army base keeps getting there supplies stolen, and trucks hijacked by ninjas.  Luckily for them Joe is a ninja, and American Ninja.  Which always makes me wonder, if he has no memory of how he learned to fight, how the hell does he remember how to fight?  Oh well.  When the convoy Joe is on is attacked, he springs, very slowly into action.  I say that because Mr. Dudikoff is not only a horrible actor, but he does not know martial arts, he's not even a white belt in real life.  But this was an 80's film so just seeing the ninjas made it cool.  Joe takes out the bad guys, grabs the generals daughter and escapes.  Unfortunately 5 soldiers were killed, so now all the guys hate Joe.
  Joe's commander hates him to, and sends him off to clean up duty, where he encounters Steve James.  James is a fantastic black martial arts actor, who unfortunately never got a big break.  He stars as Jackson, and he challenges Joe to a fight.  It doesn't end well for Jackson, as Joe basically makes a fool out of him.  Jackson shakes Joe's hand, and tells the troops he's ok.
  Its about this time we find out the bad guys, employ the deadly Black Ninja, and are stealing the army supplies, and weapons to sell on the black market.  They also train other ninjas.  God I love ninjas. 
   So Joe sneaks off base to have dinner with the generals daughter but is spotted by the commander who is having dinner with main bad guy Victor Ortega, the leader of the mercenary army.  Even though Joe doesn't see them, they want to cover there tracks.  I don't get that.  He never saw them, and he's a ninja.  Why would you want to start something.  Pay your check and leave.  But no, these are bad guys, so they have to develop a master plan of death.  The plan is for Joe to bring a trunk into a bay for delivery, and there he will be jumped by 10 ninjas.  As the film still has about 45minutes to go, Joe just takes them all out, and goes back to tell Jackson what happened.  He leads me to my next question.  If you have weapons, and ninjas why not give a ninja a gun and just have him shoot Joe?
  Joe and Jackson decide to tell the General what is going on, but wait he's in on it to, and has Joe arrested.  But wait, in another twist to ensure nothing happens, the evil black ninja kidnaps the Generals daughter, and send more ninjas to kill Joe while he's locked up.  This doesn't work either, as Joe just kills them and escapes.  And as the generals Daughter has ben kidnapped he gets the troops together for a raid on the bad guys compound.  Don't worry, Joe doesn't go in army fatigues like the others.  He wears his ninja outfit given to him by his former trainer who is not the groundskeeper for the bad guys lawn.  You cant make this stuff up!  Well you can, obviously someone did, I'm just not that clever I guess. 
  The raid is cool, lots of ninjas get shot.  Which proves that these ninjas receive sub par training.  10 of them cant kill 1 guy, and now there getting taken out by random ass army dudes.  This all does lead to the final battle between Joe, and the evil black Star Ninja, who is the coolest bad guy ninja in history, as he has a laser gun on his arm.  Too bad it doesn't help as Joe dispatches of him, and saves the Generals daughter, while Jackson blows up the main bad guys as they try to escape via helicopter.
  Ok, I said before, I like this film.  It's fun, the action is good, and I dig ninjas.  But be warned, it was made in 1985 so the action scenes are much more slower paced then the films of say a Jet Li are today.  The fighting style is realistic, so no out of this world wire techniques are used.  If your a fan of ninjas, or old school martial arts films I recommend checking this out.  If not you probably would find it laughably bad.

Overall 3 out of 5 Stars!

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Taken



Plot Synopsis: A former spy relies on his old skills to save his estranged daughter, who has been forced into the slave trade 

 You ever really like a movie but hate it at the same time?  That's how I feel about Taken.  It's not the film I hate, more of the aftermath, which I will explain later.
  Taken stars my personal favorite mumbler Liam Neilson.  I call him that because, listen closely, he mumbles everything that comes out of his mouth.  See he's a retired special forces CIA guy or something like that who quit the business to be closer to his family, which is kind of dumb because he and his wife are divorced, and she has custody of the kid.  So one night his buddies, also former spies or whatever tell him they could use his help working security at a rock concert.  Obviously the arena guards and cops would not be enough. And obviously they are pretty crappy special forces spies, because why would they need help?  And also what the hell kind of crowd are you expecting when you need special forces guys to work security?  So he goes along with them, and to prove that the gate security truly sucks some guy with a knife ends up backstage and tries to stab the rock singer.  Luckily Liam is there to throw a couple of kung fu moves at the guy and drop him.  The girl is so appreciative she tells him he can bring his daughter over to meet her.  What a bitch!  She doesn't sleep with him, she doesn't give him money, doesn't offer him a job as head of her personal security, she just gives him her address.
  When he's done he takes the spare change he made off this job and goes to a local Radio Shack run by his Hindu friend to buy his daughter a Karaoke Player for her birthday.  She gushes all over that, then her step dad gives her a pony.  Side note, If I was Liam I would have beat that guys ass with the Karaoke machine for upstaging me in front of my kid.  He meets his kid later for a milkshake and is about to tell her he has some singers address so she can meet her but he's interrupted when she asks if she can go to Paris for the summer.  As he is paranoid he mumbles No, and some other nonsense, so she runs off crying.  He feels bad so he tells her she can go, but only if she calls him every night.  She agrees.
  So her and her friend get off the plane and share a cab with some smarmy looking guy and get off at there apartment.  Turns out the dude is a lookout, and some guys come in and grab the girls, while Liam is on the phone with his daughter.  He tells his daughter to describe the guys as they drag her out.  I don't have to tell you this because it was in every trailer, and commercial for this film.  He then tells the kidnappers he's coming for them!
  Now luckily he doesn't have to wait to get a passport and book a flight as her step dad has a plane.  He then finds out from his other spy buddy she has been taken by a group of people who sell girls into slavery.
  So Liam get to Paris, and luckily the cops still haven't searched the apartment, he must has caught a Red Eye, so he finds his daughters cell phone, and conveniently even though it's smashed the memory chip is fine.  In another unbelievable coincidence the airport has a film developer which just happens to have a slot for that particular cell phone card.  And even better it has an enlargement button so he can see the reflection of the guy who shared the cab with them.  Then guess what!  In another stroke of luck the same guy is standing on the same corner, in the same airport trying to pull the same scam.  But he wasn't prepared for the mumbling kung fu of Liam, as he gets pounded until he runs away, and after a chase through the streets get hit by a truck and dies, well splatters is more like it.
  Guess what, all is not lost as Liam decides to go and try to pick up a hoke to get some information.  But before hand he talks to his old friend who just no happens to be a police detective, who wants Liam out of town before he causes a bloodbath.  That's not gunna happen though as we still have an hour left of the film.  So when one of the girls pimps comes up to Liam he places a tracking device on the guy and follows him to his secret hideout where they have another girl tied up.  Liam beats the guys up, and crashes a few cars along the way but helps the girl back to his hotel and finds out more about where the girls get taken.  We never see this girl again, and she was completely strung out on drugs when he found her.  He must have just left her to die, or detox into a coma or something.
  SO he goes to the bad guys lair and passes himself off as a crocked cop looking for a bribe.  It is there where he hears the voice of the man eh talked to on the phone, so he kills everyone in the room.  He finds his daughters friend, but his daughter has ben taken.  I'm using the word taken allot.  He finds one of the guys still alive, so he ties him up puts his feet in water and begins shocking him until he finds out more information.  Then he kills the guy.  Which is cool, I don't like the heart of gold hero's.
  He goes back to his cop friends house to get an address for the main bad guy, and finally figures out his friend is dirty.  So in one of the cooler scenes in film he shoot the guys wife in the arm and says "It's a flesh wound, but the next one wont be unless you tell me what I want to know!"  He gets the address and goes to get his little girl.
  Liam arrives at the slave auction and finds his daughter, and makes some sleazy guy buy her.  But before he can grab her he is stopped by 3 men.  That doesn't last as he kills all of them and hops in a car to chase after his daughter.  Luckily the car has a great GPS system, and he heads down the road in a town that's strange to him and still manages to not only head her captors car off, but drive to a bridge just in time and hop out of the car, and onto the boat she has just taken off it.  See I said taken again.  He kills everyone on the boat and saves his daughter.  He takes her back home, and in the final scene takes her to the rock singers house.  And just who the hell is this singer?  We don't know!  I mean what if his daughter hated the type of music she sang?  That would be a shitty ending.  And also when they get to her house it's a frickin mansion.  Which begs me to wonder, why doesn't she have her own security team to begin with? Oh well.
  I like this film because it is a mindless movie with a great cast.  Good action scenes, and Liam is believable in his role.  With that said I hate it because not only does my wife have it on every other day, but it's really not an original film.  It's nothing you wouldn't see Segal, or Van Damm do.  This just happened to have a good actor in the lead.  I also hate the fact that now every time Liam is in a film you are led to believe its going to be just like Taken.  Just make a part 2, keep the same story and make it rated R.  I'm serious!  Watch Faster with The Rock.  The girl who played Liam's daughter in the film is in that and she is hot as hell now. 
Overall 4 out of 5 Stars!

Friday, September 23, 2011

Kickboxer 5: The Redemption



Plot Synopsis: Kickbox champion Matt Reeves witnesses the murder of his friend Johnny. When he investigates on the circumstances it appears that a Mr. Neegal in South Africa has founded a new kickbox association and does not leave international champions much of a chance. Johnny had to pay with his life when he did not want to join. Neegal seems to kill everybody who is in his way. Matt is on his own now, but suddenly finds an unexpected ally.  

 Kickboxer 5, wow, they were on there way to catching up with Police Academy, but unfortunately something happened in real life, between part 4 and now.  See Sasha Mitchell was arrested for domestic abuse, and not only was he removed from his TV Show Step By Step, he was removed from Kickboxer as well.  No don't worry there is not another Sloan brother we have not seen before.
  The film starts with James Ryan, one of my favorite martial arts stars sitting at a desk in South Africa when he has just learned that David Sloan (Mitchell's character) did not accept his offer to join his new Kickboxing league.  Do I even have to tell you this promoter is evil as well?  Just a note to everyone reading, don't be a professional kickboxer, there promoters are all evil.  So how does he handle this news?  Simple he has Sloan killed.  We see this in a blue and black colored montage over the opening credits.  It is then we meet, in my opinion the worlds most underrated martial artist Mark Dacascos who is teaching a class when he learns that David Sloan has been killed.  He send's flowers.  That's it, no more mention of Sloan.  So Mark goes to meet up with his buddy, and student who is fighting for the championship later that night.  Of course he wins the title, and is then approached by James Ryan's men, who tell him to come over to look at the contract there offering him for the new kickboxing league.  See Ryan wants all the world champions to sign over to him.  He reads the contract and tells them its crap, so they kill him.  But before he dies Dacascos shows up and beats down the bad guys.  He goes to tell the cops, but they don't believe him. SO he goes home only to get jumped by a guy named Paul who Ryan has just gotten released from prison.  The guy tells him Ryan had his friend killed, then just leaves.  Why didn't Dacascos ask Paul to go to the cops?  So guess what?  Decostas is on his way to South Africa. 
  Now here is where I start to get just a little annoyed, the guy who jumped Dacascos and told him who ordered his friends killed is on the plan next to him.  See he was supposed to kill Mark, but didn't.  So rather then go hide out in America he decides to just go back to South Africa, which is just plain dumb.  So when they land Ryan's goons jump them in the airport where they have there little chase/fight scene.  Here is where I really get annoyed.  See Mark Dacascos is on a whole nother level of martial arts.  If you see Drive, or Only The Strong you know he can move better then in my opinion any martial artist in films.  His fight with Jet Li and the end of Cradle to the Grave was fantastic, but only because Li can move with him.  No one in this film can.  So rather then slow the action down, Dacascos doesn't even make contact with like 0 percent of the people he hits.  They just simply fall down, while a cheesy thud noise plays in the background.  On video it was harder to notice, but on DVD it is clearly horrible. 
  So now the two hero's split up, and Dacascos wanders the streets when he is suddenly surrounded by Ryan's gang, they chase him to an abandoned building.  Why are buildings always abandoned in karate films.  It would be cooler if they were occupied and people working there just stared on as the guys fight.  Anyway just as the bad guys have Dacascos backed into a corner our other would be hero Paul shows up to save them.  Doesn't do a ton of good as they get arrested, but not to worry after befriending a black dude that they now know for 1 whole day he lets them in on his escape plan and they break out and go to stay at Paul's sisters house.
  So Dacascos and Paul beat up two guys, and steal the cloths and go to a gambling event that Ryan is at.  In a very James Bond moment Dacascos beats Ryan at roulette then announces to everyone that Ryan is dirty, and had his friends killed.  Now in yet another moment of pure stupidity Ryan order his men to kill Dacascos and Paul.  Which really does prove he's guilty,.  Why didn't he just yell "Those men are wanted for a jail break, call the cops!" No he orders his guys after them, which just ends in his guys getting beat up.
  Now that we are about 1 hour and 15min in, it's time for Dacascos to break into Ryan's compound and fight him.  In what it truly the worst, most one sided final battle in history Dacascos beats down Ryan, then Paul's sister stabs Ryan with a spear, and they all walk outside and fade off in the sunset.
  This film is bad, the fight scenes as I mentioned suck, and that's the only reason to watch ones of these films.  I can take the dumb story and plot holes, those are to be expected in a Kickboxer film, bad bad martial art's scenes are unacceptable.  Only watch this if you have the box set.  Otherwise don't buy it separately.  The only thing I liked was seeing James Ryan again, as he was in Kill and Kill Again, which is a childhood favorite of mine. And obviously I was not the only person to dislike this, as there was no Kickboxer 6, so yes that means Kickboxer Week has come to a close.

Overall 2 out of 5 Stars!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Kickboxer 4


Plot Synopsis: David Sloan must travel to Mexico to save his wife from a savage international terrorist.


 Sasha Mitchell as David Sloan returns in Kickboxer 4.  See things are different now.  Xian is gone.  They don't say where, but I assume David fired his ass after the whole slavery thing in part 3.  David married a beautiful woman named Vicki, opened a school together, and even helped the feds try to bring down Tong Po, who is now a Mexican drug cartel leader.  The latter did not end well.  To framed him for killing an undercover agent so David is sitting in jail, and as he's in jail and cant do anything, Po kidnaps his wife, ad takes her to his compound out in the desert and keeps her locked up.  He doesn't kill her, or rape her, or torture her, he just keeps her locked up.  Plus he send David pictures of her.  Why David just didn't show these to the feds, or even cops is beyond me.  But David has his own problems in prison, as Po has men there.  Well there not really a problem.  David beats them down pretty handily.
  Then on a fateful day a DEA agent tells David that every year Tong Po holds a fight to the death tournament at his compound on the Day Of The Dead.  And asks David to go undercover, enter the tournament, and take down Po.  I'm not sure why the DEA doest just raid the place, but I guess this makes for a better plot.  SO David agrees to go and fight to the death.  They tell him. not to let Po recognize him.  he responds "Threes been a lot of hard years between me and Po."  which leads to my only complaint with the film.  He looks the same.  His hair, his face everything.  He was to lazy to eve grow a beard and go undercover.  He just puts on a pair of sunglasses. That's it, sunglasses.  He looks the same! 
  So he goes to a tryout fight and beats down some bikers and gets offered a spot in the tournament.  He stops off at a bar on the way there, can you see where this is going?  Well theres some homely looking dyke girl there who gets in a fight so David beats the crap out of the entire bar.  He pops down to Tong Po's compound and has to fight the ugly Dyke girl he saved at the bar.  He puts her in the sleeper, and gains access to the tournament.  Keep in mind he takes his sunglasses off for these fights, and still no one recognizes him.  Dont you think Po would have given pictures of Sloan to all his guards and had them memorise it, as he has his wife locked up.  No he doesn't, in fact he doesn't even watch the qualifying matches. 
  So the next day all the fighters are having breakfast together with Tong Po, but don't worry, he doesn't recognize David, he's wearing his sunglasses.  They bring the Dyke girl back and a brawl ensues, when, as she is being beaten up a young fighter comes to her rescue.  This guy recognizes David right away, as David was his instructor a few years ago.  He obviously has seen David with sunglasses.  So the tournament begins, and let me say it is fantastic.  It features over 15 different styles of martial arts, all choreographed to perfection.  Then, the last fight is of course David, who will have to take off his sunglasses.  How does he keep his cover you ask.  Simple.  Tong Po is conveniently looking the other way during the fight.  Hes watching Davids former student hit on one of his chamber maids.  When David wins he puts his sunglasses back on just in time as Po turns around.
  The next day all the fights become fights to the death.  While this is going on Davids former student is having sex with Po's chamber maid, and David is trying to find his wife.  They are both captured, and tortured.  Turns out Davids former student is really an undercover DEA agent.  He must be the top undercover agent, as he;s not wearing sunglasses.  SO they throw David, and the agent out to the other fighters, and Po tells them to fight.  Don't worry David beats them all down, and when everyone finally realizes that there will be no winner they all turn on Po's guards.  David does chase Po down and just destroys him.  Po doesn't even get in one punch.  He just runs away.  Which is ok, because the DEA never comes and raids the compound.  SO I guess he just ran to a car drove into town and laid low for a few days.  David gets his wife and the credits roll.
  First complaint, the whole sunglasses are my disguise thing.  That's just ludicrously awful to me.  2nd is that this is the the real Tong Po.  Its some other actor with a horrible prosthetic on his face.  He looks nothing like Po, and hes also about a foot smaller.  Other then that I have to say I love this film!  It is my favorite of the series.  I have seen it over 30 times easy.  I can watch it over and over.  The fight scenes are 2nd to none.  They are absolutely fantastic.  Any one who like martial arts films will not be disappointed.  Highly Recommended, as this is the best film in the series!

Overall 5 out of 5 Stars!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Kickboxer III: The Art of War



Plot Synopsis: David Sloan travels to Rio for a kick-box exhibition. There he saves two youngsters and stops a white slaver. 

 Today were looking at Kickboxer 3, witch also stars Sasha Mitchell as David Sloan.  This film is slightly different from the other films, as it has more plot development.  Now don't let that scare you.  The plot is thin.  Just like it should be.  And I must say Sasha Mitchell in my opinion is much better on screen then Van Damme.
  So David Sloan is now the Kickboxing World Champion.  I guess beating down Tong Po made him want to get back in the ring.  Xian is now his trainer, and manager, and they are off to Rio for an exhibition, because David says "We need money"  Ok, Xian is sure a shit manager, as how much could you make for an exhibition?  Why not have a world title fight?  And who keeps managing this guys money?  He should have gotten a nice insurance check from his burnt down gym.  And what happened to his gym, and the inner city hood he helped?  And win did he become world Champion?  Guess your not supposed to think of that.
  So when David gets there some homeless kid, and his sister try to steal his camera.  He chases the kid down, beating a guy up along the way and decides to help the kids out.  He and Xian buy them lunch, and take them to the matches.  So David puts on a little show, and meets his opponent for next week.  Some crazy looking guy who fights dirty.  Sorry but he's no Tong Po. 
  We then meet this guys manager, and guess what, he's a bad guy.  All promoters in these films are bad guys.  This guy is at least a serious bad dude, and he kidnaps homeless girls, and sells them into slavery.  Guess where this is going yet?  But before the obvious can happen he makes David an offer for him to throw the fight.  David says no, and its on!
  so the guy of course kidnaps the kids sister to sell her, but he just does this for money.  Which made little to no sense.  Shouldn't he have said, "You throw the fight, and I'll let the girl go!"  no this guy has a better plan.
  David and Xian do something smart and go to the cops this time, they cops just blow them off so David and Xian go after the girl themselves.  They get caught in the bad guys house, and his master plan is revealed.  See he wants David to lose so badly he has his goons beat him up.  No that didn't happen.  He threatens Xian and the girls lives if he doesn't lose.  No that doesn't happen either.  Instead his master plan is to take him to an island and have him train real hard so he's tired for the fight.  Yes I'm serious. 
  He makes David run up a cliff with rocks in his backpack, dig a hole, and swim.  He must not know that Xian trains people much worse.  To the bad guys credit David is exhausted when they drop him off back and the hotel.  But don't worry Xian gives David a mud massage, and has him drink some cobra venom.
  So the next day at the fight David destroys the bad guys fighter, and as he had bet all his money on him, he's no worthless.  David grabs the girl back, and just leaves with her.  He takes her to the doctor where they find out she has been "examined" if you will.  SO David, Xian and the girls brother go to get revenge.  The little boy gets the revenge when he stabs the bad guy.  So David and Xian take there winnings and invest it in a fund for the kids, and have them sent to an orphanage.  Guess they didn't like them enough to bring them back to America.
  Overall this was a good film, and kind of a nice change, as it focused on more then just the usual fight to the death plot.  Sasha Mitchell does a great job, and once again I have to say his Mui Thai skills are very convincing.  I recommend this for not only fans of the series, but action fans as well.  Available on DVD

Overall 3 out of 5 Stars

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Kickboxer II: The Road Back

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Plot Synopsis: This movie is suppose to be a sequel to the movie which starred Jean-Claude Van Damme. Only now the movie revolves around the brother of the character that Van Damme played. David Sloan is the brother Van Damme's Kurt Sloan. He runs a Karate gym. Now Mr. Sangha, the Thai government official who handles Tong Po, the brutal kickboxer whom Van Damme in the previous movie, wishes that Tong Po would have another shot at Kurt Sloan, so he could vindicate himself but Tong Po in a fit of rage shot and killed him thus depriving him of an opportunity to face him again. But when they hear of David, they decide that he will be the one whom Tong Po will face to regain his honor. But when David is injured, Xian David's teacher is brought over to help him with his recovery. And when he recovers, they set David up to fight Tong Po; who will survive?  

 Well, it's not the road back for Van Damme, as Sasha Mitchell stars in Kickboxer 2, yes Cody from Step By Step.  But dont' worry he's actually a very accomplished martial artist in real life.  Mitchel stars ad David Sloan, brother to Kurt and Eric from the first film.  He runs a gym in the hood somewhere, and teaches lessons to inner city youths.  Well his gym is going no where when suddenly a promoter shows up saying he's creating a new kickboxing league called the UKA.  Guess what, hes a promoter, so he's also a bad guy.  David doesn't want to sell out to the man, but he needs cash to pay the bills so he has a match again their champion, played by quintessential 90's bad guy Mattheus Huges.  He beats the crap out him, then when interviewed says the UKA is crocked, and riddled with drugs, and they have no talent.  So being the promoter is dirty he send Hues and a few other goons to beat the crap out of David, and set his gym on fire, which in the process kills a street kid who was staying with him.
  So, with our hero laied up in the hospital, who do they call?  A personal trainer? The cops?  A licensed physical therapist?  No they get Xian the guy who trained Van Damme in the first film.  He helps David recover by having him do push ups, swimming, and throwing him off a building with a rope tied to his leg. 
  Meanwhile, Davids prize student has been lured to the UKA, where we find out the money guy behind the crooked empire is Tong Po's manager!  Turns out Tong Po shot Kurt and Eric Sloan in Thailand, and because of this he was never given a rematch.  Can you see where this is going yet?
  So after David recovers he goes to the fights to watch his ex student fight....you guessed it Tong Po.  Po beats the crap out of the kid, and kills him.   Why wasn't Po arrested? He keeps killing people in the ring. Its then we learn the Xian daughter was also killed by Tong Po, and he came to the states knowing this whole plan, as a way to get revenge.  Sidebar, I would have killed the old man then and there!
  You know not once in the first film did Van Damme mention he had a brother.  Come to think of it, why didn't David fly over to Thailand when his brother got crippled?  And why did Kurt, and Eric stay in Thailand if they owned a gym back home? And if Po killed both Sloans, and Xian's daughter, why didnt he kill Xian?  I'm mean thats the guy who trained Van Damme, thus causing all his problems to begin with.
  Ohh well. SO David agrees to fight Po in a Tiape Death fight, ala Kickboxer 1.  And as you can guess, Po beat the crap out of David, until he leans down and says "your the weakest of all the Sloans"  Why do bad guys always run there mouths in films?  It never ends well for them.  So David Hulks up and beats the shit out of Po.
  Xian decides to move to LA and I guess live with David in his burned up gym, broke and in the hood!
I like this film.  Sasha Mitchell is a much better actor then Van Damme, and his Kickboxing is much more realistic.  And to prove how bad ass this film is, it opened again the Tim Burton Batman movie.  Kickboxer 2 is far Superior to Tim Burton's Batman.  I recommend this film.  Its out on DVD.

Overall 3 out of 5 Stars!

Monday, September 19, 2011

Kickboxer



Plot Synopsis: Kurt Sloan is the corner-man for his brother, U.S. kickboxing champion Eric Sloan. When Kurt witnesses his brother become maliciously paralyzed in the ring by Thailand champion Tong Po, Kurt vows revenge. With the help of Zion, a kickboxing trainer who lives in a remote area of Thailand, Kurt trains for the fight of his life

  Kickboxer, starring the muscles from Brussels Jean Claude Van Damme is a very different film.  Let me re phrase, it was a little different for its time, as it has been ripped off numerous times.  It's like, Rocky 4 meets, Shootfighter, with a touch of Game of Death.
  Van Damme stars as Kurt Sloan, the brother of ISKA World Heavyweight Kickboxing Champion David Sloan.  See in the opening scene David disposes of another challenger to his title, and in his post fight interview is asked what he thinks of the fighters from Thailand.  He says bring them on, then looks at Van Damme and tells him to get him a flight to Bangkok to fight there best.  The next time we see them they are over in Bangkok geting ready to fight.    Turns out Van Damme is one crappy manager.  He books a third to last main event with the champ, with no reporters, no PPV, no hype, no nothing.  Just some crap fight, in a crap arena, in the middle of the day. 
   Turns out Kurt has to fight Tong Po.  I have to say, Tong Po is bad ass!  Well in all of Kurt's training, I guess he forgot to check out the Thai rulebook so he would know Elbows, knees, and headbutts are legal.  He didn't read that book, probably cause Van Damme is a bad manager.  Eric gets destroyed, and when Van Damme goes to throw in the towel Tong Po kicks it back, winds up and prepairs to drop the big elbow on Kurt, thus proving Van Damme is also the worlds worst corner man.  He was like less then a foot away, and had plenty of time to jump in, or even just grab Tong Po by the hair to stop him, bu he just yells "Noooooo!!!" in typical movie fashion.  So with Eric left laying, the lovely promoters have him stretchered out and left laying in the street.  Thankfully an American with a heart of gold shows up and takes them to the hospital, where we learn Eric is paralyzed, leading Van Damme to swear revenge.
  So Van Damme starts wandering the streets trying to find a school to teach him how to Tai Box, but no one will.  But wait the American with the heart of gold shows up and takes Van Damme to meet Xian who agrees to train Van Damme.  He trains him by tying meat to his leg and having a dog chase him.  He drops coconuts on him, makes him do forms under water, has him kick down a bamboo tree, and finally spars with him using flaming hot torches.  And for his final test, he gets him drunk and has him pick a fight with 3 guys in a bar.  Van Damme wins, so they set up a warm up fight with some other Tai Fighter, who Van Damme disposes of.
  So naturally the head promoter, who is dirty, and a criminal. Sets up the fight.  Why is the bad promoter always a mob guy?  Well to make sure Van Damme loses, they grab Xian daughter, who Van Damme is now in love with and take her to Tong Po so he can rape her.  Told you he was a bad dude!  SO the evil promoter, then goes to the local mob and bets 100 grand on Tong Po in the fight, and to make things more interesting they have a Taipei Death Fight, where there hands will be wrapped in cloth, dipped in glue, then dipped in broken glass.  But hold on, they need one more piece of insurance.  The evil guys capture Eric (See they didn't forget about him) and tell Van Damme if he doesn't throw the fight they will kill him.
  So as Van Damme is fighting Tong Po, Xian and the American with the heart of gold, his name is Winston by the way, I just like calling him The American With The Heart of Gold. go and save Van Damme's brother.  Just as it looks like Van Damme is about to lose, Eric starts yelling for him to win.  SO Van Damme has Xians daughter cut off his glass ropes on his hands, not sure why, I would have sliced the guy who crippled my brother up.  He then Hulks up and throws his patented spin kicks and beat Tong Po, then he and his brother hug.
  OK, a few things I have always wondered.  After Eric is crippled why doesn't Van Damme go to the American Embassy and have Tong Po arrested?  Also why did the local mob hang out with Tong Po?  He didn't run protection for them, or traffic drugs.  They must just like him because he's a fighter.  Wouldn't raping the girl Van Damme loves only make him madder, and more motivated for a fight?  And finally wouldn't you fire Van Damme as your manager/corner man the second you woke up in the hospital?  If I was Eric, I would have bet on Tong Po, and stayed kidnapped so Van Damme would be crippled to.
  With all that said I did love this film.  I saw it when I was 15, and liked it so much I began studying Thai Boxing when I turned 16.  I was pretty good, but Tong Po would beat my ass blindfolded with one arm tied behind his back.  He really is one bad dude!  I highly recommend this film.  It's held up very well over the years.  You can get all 5 Kickboxer films on DVD from Amazon in a box set for under 30.00  Check it out

Overall 3 out of 5 Stars!

A Special Week Begins!

  I announced the other day this would be a special week.  A week dedicated to an outstanding film series.  A series know for its deep storyline.  A series know for it's action.  A series know for it;s death defying stunts.  A series know for its drama.  A series known for its exotic locations.  A series unlike any other.  I had a few people guess Indiana Jones.  Nope!  Indiana Jones couldn't last with this.  Some said Batman.  Nope, Batman would get his ass kicked!  This is a series that knows no equal.  This is Kickboxer Week!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Terminal Justice



Plot Synopsis:   In 2008 cybersex can only be surpassed by one thing: Cloned women, especially created for their clients. This puts Pamela Travis, a famous and much sought-after cybersex star in great danger - Dr. Vivyan, scientist and genius in the field of biotechnology wants her DNA to clone her for his many customers. Sergeant Bobby Chase is assigned to protect her, but can't prevent her from being kidnapped. In order to free Pamela, Chase has to risk his life in a deadly virtual reality game called "Hellraiser"

 Lamas week comes to a close today with Terminal Justice, a film that is so absurd it defies logic.  Set in the future of 2008 virtual reality is all the rage, and so is cyber sex.  See there is a game all the kids play called Cartel Wars, its so realistic you can die in the game.  It was developed by a real bad dude named Regional Matthews, we know he's a bad dude because he has a beard, and Lorenzo has been casing him.  See not only does he make these dangerous games, but he is creating robot cyber sex slaves that after you screw you can just kill.  They all look the same.  Obviously they only had enough cash to hire one woman.  He want the DNA of a actress, or model, or singer, or something, they never said what she did but standing in his way is Lorenzo Lamas.  He's a cop with Robot eyes.  Yes, robot eyes.  See back during the great drug cartel war of 2004 he got kidnapped and had his eyes burned out with a poker.  They don't show that seen, but it would have probably been the best scene in the film.  He and his partner track some of Matthews goons to a airport with a stolen chip, when, you guessed it, his partner is killed.  So Lorenzo now not only has to protect the woman, but he has to avenge his partners death as well.  And helping him is an Asian guy.  But not a cool Asian guy who does martial arts, some nerd who sits at a computer and helps Lorenzo move around better, as he can see whats going on, on his computer through Lorenzo's robot eyes.  Well after about 40 minutes that go nowhere, yes nowhere, like nothing happens.  Lorenzo just basically walks around.  Then finally he goes to dinner with the girl but a robot helicopter attacks them.  No, not some cool thing like in Transformers, a RC Remote Control helicopter with a little gun on it.  Rather then just swat it away they run, and finally after about 4 minutes shoot it. 
   So Lorenzo keeps walking around when, whats this, the girl is kidnapped.   SO Lorenzo goes after her.  Well not really they come get him.  See I forgot to mention Lorenzo has a chip that the bad guy wants.  I forgot how he got it.  Which is sad because I just re watched this film last night.  They tell him he can play there new virtual game, where players can shoot up with some kind of super amphetamine and kill more ferociously.  They give this drug to Lorenzo.  Which is dumb.  Wouldn't you have your goons take it, and just leave him defenseless, or better yet just plug him while his in the giant virtual reality machine.  But no, they give him all the advantages.  So he uses his martial arts skills to kill everyone and save the girl.  Then one of the sex robots shoots Matthews, and they all live happily ever after. 
   I really liked this film when I saw it back in 1996 on late night HBO.  I bought the DVD about 8 years ago, and liked it then.  The one memory I have is that both times I watched it, I was smashed.  I don't drink anymore, so last night I watched it sober.  It's not so good sober.  Actually its ridiculously bad.  I mean it stinks.  Its basically a guy walking around, while some dude watches him through a computer.  It is about a DNA needed for cyber sex robots.  Couldn't he at least have waited through a titty bar, or a porn shop, or something.  He just walks down empty hallways.  I like Lorenzo, and let it be said Renegade was one of the best shows in syndication history, in my opinion, so I recommend watching that.  You can get the complete series, which is like 40 DVDs for 20.00 on Amazon.  You can buy this for about 10.00.  DO the math.  Not recommended, unless your having a drinking party

Overall 2 out of 5 Stars!

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Final Impact



Plot Synopsis: Nick, former world champion in kick boxing, discovers Danny, who just became light heavy-weight champion of Ohio. Danny is very ambitious to become world champion, so Nick offers to train him. After a tense training they set out to the the kick-boxing world championships in Las Vegas, where Danny will meet the brutal champion Joe, who once dethroned Nick.  

First off I must apologize for this review being much shorter then my other Lamas Week features.  But in my defense its very had to write about a film that is a giant training montage.
  Lorenzo stars as former World Kickboxing Champion Nick Taylor.  Seeing as how he is a former champ, he now own's a nightclub that features sexy cocktail waitresses, and kickboxing matches.  One night A scrawny kid named Danny shows up saying hes the world kickboxing champion of Ohio and ask Lorenzo to help train him.  Lorenzo says no, so the kid climbs in the ring at the club and beat's up the other kick boxer.  We then see this tough kid at his motel going to get ice when 3 guys start beating him up for no reason.  I guess the people in this town are tougher then in Ohio.  But don't worry Lorenzo shows up in a cowboy hat and uses the dreaded Cobra Clutch, obviously taught to him by Sgt Slaughter to take the guys out.  He has the kid come back so he can train him.  We then get a long training montage.  When its over we learn that when Lorenzo lost his title his now ex wife ran off with the guy that beat him, and now he's going to train this kid to win the title for revenge.  And then we start yet another montage.
  So Lorenzo takes the kid to a couple of bars that hold kickboxing matches and gets him a few tune up fights.  Then we get a quick traveling montage as Lorenzo, Danny, and Lorenzo's new wife, played by, you guessed it Kathleen Kinmont go to Vegas to enter the tournament.  See apparently you don't have matches, and work your way up the ladder, or belong to an organization, you just enter a tournament, and if you win you get to fight the champ.  So after a fight montage Lorenzo challenges the champ to a revenge fight behind a billboard.
  Lorenzo basically beat's the crap out of the guy until he gets hit by a two by four, and then he is basically beaten half to death.  So Danny, and Kathleen Kinmont go to the hospital to see him, and he dies, but not before he tells Danny to win the title.
  Cue the underdog sports music, and Danny, who might I add is by no means in the champs weight class beats him for the title, and hugs and kisses Kathleen Kinmont as the credits roll. Thus proving she really is a whore.
  If you like Kickboxing, as I do its a good watch, as the training montages are very well put together.  If your not a kickboxing fan just watch Rocky, which in all fairness is a better film.  This would have ben better if OJ Simpson would have been the champ and he started killing.....sorry, that's left over from yesterdays review.  Not really recommended, but this does have a DVD release.

Overall 2 out of 5 Stars.

Another Big Announcement!

  Don't worry, Lamas week will continue later this afternoon, but do to the success of that I will be covering a special series of films next week.  This is a fantastic series of films, that contained, thrills, spills, laughs, fantastic cast, amazing story lines, unbelievable action, and exotic locations.  If you can guess what this series will be post here!  It begins on Monday.

Friday, September 16, 2011

C.I.A. Code Name Alexa



Plot Synopsis: A CIA operative kills a terrorist during a prison break. When a group of terrorists attempts to recover a microchip implanted in the man's body, one of them is captured and convinced by the CIA to work for them as an informer.  

 Lorenzo Lamas returns, and this time he's got back up, OJ Simpson!  Yes that OJ Simpson.  See lamas plays the worlds worst CIA agent, we know this because the film starts out with a whole horde of cops surrounding a government building that a group of terrorists have broken into.  There are 4 terrorists, and they have about 4 hostages.  There are like 50 cops there, and the chief is yelling at the head terrorist through a bullhorn.  Obviously he has bad hearing, because even though he is like 50 floors up he just yells back at the cops through a window, and amid the helicopters, and cars they hear him just fine.  He chuck a guy out the window and says more will be next!  Enter Lorenzo Lamas, who walks in and learns the terrorists are there to steal a microchip.  He has been following them for a while now, but he must have had to wait till the committed the crime to arrest them.  They tell him they want a ticket outta here!  He leaves and tell the chief "They want a way outta here, and I;m gunna give it to them!"  He hosp on  a motorcycle, puts on his helmet.  Safety first! Crashes through the door, and kills all the terrorists.  He then leaves.  Now while he was getting on his motorcycle the main terrorist swallowed the microchip.  Granted Lorenzo didn't see this, but don't you think he would have at least picked up the empty case that contained the chip and at least examined it. No he just leaves. 
  Well it turns out that the guy who employed these crack terrorists want his chip, so during the guys funeral he send in a group of mercenaries lead by Kathleen Kinmont, yes Lorenzo's real life wife, who just looks like a bucket off ass named Alexa, hence the title.  She is probably the worst mercenary in the world, as when one of her guys decides to shoot the priest they just leave the guys body and don't even bother cutting the chip out.  The cops arrive on the scene so Alexa, and t=the other mercenary split up and just basically jog down the street, as the cops slowly chase after them.  As a gun fight has ensued they put out an APB and answering the call is the worlds worst cop OJ Simpson.  He manages to get the drop on Alexa and arrests her.  The other guy gets away.
  So we get back to the station and when OJ questions Alexa she headbutts him in the face.  I believe that was the moment that OJ started hating white women.  Come on you knew an OJ joke was coming!  He asks one of the female cops to frisk her, but she punches the guard and takes the juice hostage.  This guy just sucks, I mean I'm pretty sure he could overpower a woman. Luckily Lorenzo shows up and saves the day.  He tells OJ this is a government operation and takes Alexa to a top secret CIA office.
  From there its kind of like Point of No Return, as they tell Alexa if she works for them They will give her her daughter back.  So she trains in Kung Fu, and other combat means.  But what this? Across town OJ and his partner decide to go and check out the corpse of the guy that Alexa was trying to steal.  No sure why a guy who was already dead was taken to a hospital and left in a patient care room for two days, rather then just being buried, but they get there just as a mercenary is cutting the chip out.  He kills OJ's Partner and runs off.
  Turns out these guys work for a bad dude.  He is having a party at his castle for other rich people, and tells them he plans on donating 100 thousand dollars to there favorite charity, but after they watch a fight to the death on his front lawn.  I know, it makes no sense.  They could have kidnapped OJ and had him fight some guy in a knife fight, and....never mind.
  SO OJ is pissed his partner is dead so he crashes through the gates of the top secret CIA facility and gets arrested and locked up.  By now Alexa is trained so she goes back to the bad guys house and steals the chip.  This makes me wonder, if they just sent her back to beat up some guys why did they train her in the first place?  Its not like they sent her in undercover to get information or anything.  She just beats down some guys.  Why didn't they just raid his house?
  Well would you know just as she gets back the bad guys kidnap her daughter, but that's after her and Lorenzo have sex.  The CIA doesn't want to help her, but Lorenzo does.  So who does the worst CIA agent get to help? The worlds worst cop, and he breaks OJ out, well break out is a strong word, he just opens the door and gives the juice a gun.  See even Lorenzo didn't trust him with a knife.  So they go to the airport where this whole exchange the chip for the little girl scenario will play out, and of course theres the big final fight between Lorenzo and the bad guys bodyguard.  But wait the bad guy gets the drop on the Juice and shoots him.  But before OJ dies he throws an electrical cord at the bad guy who is conveniently standing in a puddle of water.  Mother and daughter are reunited, and they leave with Lorenzo.
  This film is bad.  Kinmont is like a very ugly robot, Lorenzo doesn't do much, and the whole story is just dumb.  The only fun in the whole thing is making OJ Jokes while he runs around with a gun.  Personally I have nothing against OJ.  I loved the Naked Gun films, and I really liked 1st and 10.  But watching him glare at a woman like he wants to kill her is....never mind.  I recommend watching this for the cheese factor.  Its out on DVD!

Overall 2 out of 5 Stars!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

I won an award! You Like Me You Really Like Me!!!!!

Good evening, hope you are digging Lamas Week!  I won an award.  My number one reader Kev D who has the fantastic ZombieHall blog passed this award on to me.  There are 5 thing I have to do.

1.) Accept Award:  I accept, thank you it really means allot, as it shows someone else likes reading my ramblings.
2.) Link person you received it from.   http://zombiehall.blogspot.com/p/updates.html
3.) List 3 interesting things about yourself.  I dig Mexican wrestling, and yes that's me under the mask.  I was kicked out of creative writing class in high school.  I am an animal lover and cried like a baby for over 10min after watching Marley and Me, but laughed while watching August Underground
4.)  Pass award to 5 other blogs you dig
http://nadiasnecronomicon.blogspot.com/
http://aftermoviediner.blogspot.com/
http://filmreviewsfromthebasement.blogspot.com/
http://unflinchingeye.blogspot.com/
http://pitofrod.blogspot.com/

5.) Notify them.  I'll do thwt in the morning. :)

Thanks again.

Bad Blood!



Plot Synopsis: A trucker has to come home to help fight mobsters after his brother who embezzled $5,000,000 from them.  

 Lorenzo Lamas week keeps rolling along with Bad Blood.  A very above average action film, that features Joe Son as the bad guy, I mention this because he really is a bad guy.  He got sentenced to life for a torture gang rape rape a few days ago.  See in this one Lorenzo plays a scrap metal truck driver guy who coaches pee wee softball.  We know this because he's coaching a game when some hoods start hassling his sister in law.  He grabs a bad and beats the crap out of all of them.  Then gets in his truck and goes to a strip club where his girlfriend works.  He picks her up and they go back to his double wide trailer for a night of sex.  Oh I forgot to mention his sister in law needs help!  Se Lorenzo's brother just got done embezzling 5 million from the mob, and there out to kill him.
  So Lorenzo goes in his scrap metal truck to see his brother, and father, and its there we learn Lorenzo used to be a highly decorated cop, but his brother committed a crime, and knowing he wouldn't be able to survive in prison Lorenzo took the fall for him.  This brings up a few point that were not covered.  If Lorenzo's brother stole 5 million, and looked like he was already wealthy to begin with shouldn't he have cut him in on some of the profits?  I mean this dude is living in a manshon, while the guy who went to the clink for him is in a double wide trailer.  Also why would you help a dude like this.  If it was my brother I would have killed him when I got out of jail!  But that wouldn't make for a good film.
  So Lorenzo has a plan.  His plan is to give the money back.  That's is, just give it back, no questions asked.  Forget the fact his brother knows there entire operation of criminal gain, I guess he figures they just say thanks, sorry we have ben trying to kill you and just walk away.  Too get the cash back Lorenzo has to go to his brothers partners house.  But theres a catch, this guy has hired a big bodyguard to protect him.  Doesn't matter, Lorenzo beats him down, and gets the cash, which might I say was perfectly tucked into a leather satchel.  Yes, he had 5 million in a satchel.  He didn't launder it, or spend it, or even put it in a safe.  It was just in a satchel.
  Meanwhile Lorenzo's stripper woman, sees Lorenzo's sister in laws phone number, and notices that he's been gone for a few days.  She doesn't know the woman is his sister in law, so she decides to tell the mob guys where to find them.  They find his dad, who Lorenzo has decided to hid with an old hippy friend of his.  Of course you know they kill his dad, leading for the revenge battle scene.
  Lots and lots of car chases, and fight scenes happen.  Did you know Lorenzo can do double black flips in the air like a Power Ranger?  He can, well he can in this film.  It all leads to a cool climax in an old metal yard, that Lorenzo has rigged with all kinds of traps.  He and Joe Son have a cool final battle, and everything ends happy.  Well, except for the fact his dad is dead, and he has to go back to his double wide trailer, and his scrap metal job.  And don't you think his boss would want to know why he isn't at work, or where the company truck is?  Oh well.  This made the round heavy on HBO in the mid 90's and still does not have a DVD release.  But it can be purchased on VHS from Amazon.  Next to Final Round its my favorite Lamas film.  I highly recommend checking it out.

Overall 4 out of 5 Stars!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Snake Eater!



Plot Synopsis:   The Snake Eaters are an elite division of the Marines especially trained for search and destroy missions. This actioner chronicles the exploits of one of them who has become a cop. Known as a tough loner, he returns to find the band of backwoods bad-guys who killed his parents and abducted his sister.

First off I must let you know two things.  One everything you are about to read it true.  I have not exaggerated any of this.  And two, this film is not a comedy!  It was made to be a serious action film, and to showcase Lorenzo Lamas as a leading action star.  This was his first action film, he had only done Grease (yes that Grease) and Body Rock. 
  Lamas is Soldier!  A bad ass former Marine from an elite unit called The Snake Eaters, hence the title.  Well now he a cop, and hes on undercover work trying to buy drugs.  See he's in a ghetto apartment while two plain clothed police officers sit outside in front of the building waiting for him.  Yes right out front, in an unmarked car.  They don't wait in the building across the street or watch with binoculars or anything.  They even order a pizza while they sit outside listening to him sing Kumbia over the wire, then talk about going blind from masturbation from boredom. Well before the mobsters show up, they send in a very ugly girl who looks like UFC fighter BJ Penn with a bad weave in to make sure hes not wired.  She does this by having him take off his clothes.  Then they have sex, while the two cops giggling are laughing, and having a coronary like they have never heard anyone having sex before.  The mobsters come in, just as Lamas pulls up his pants but before they even try to sell, or make a buy, it was never really explained.  He pushes a button on the floor and nails pop up sticking them to the floor.  As the ugly girl runs out she get caught in a net.  How long was this guy waiting to have set up all these elaborate traps.  Well when the other officers finally show up they tell him hes on suspension.
  Meanwhile Lorenzo's parents, and sister are traveling in there boat down a swamp.  Not sure why there traveling down a swamp.  Well the boat brakes down and suddenly 4 hillbilly's invade. They kill the mom and dad, but keep the sister to breed with her.  See they are inbred, and they have been inbreeding for so long there brother, or cousin, or father, or whatever decides he wants a real son.
  So Lamas is riding down the highway on his Harley when a kid playing kicks a ball in front of him.  He spins out of control, hits a dirt mound and back flips through a table at his favorite biker bar.  I have no idea why.  Once there he gets into a fight with a biker gang.  He does manage to beat them up with the worst looking series of punches on film.  When hes done the cops come to tell him his family's boat was found burned, and his sister is missing.  They have no leads, so he goes to town to look for them.
  Once there he goes to a marina where, ohh no, the evil inbred hillbilly's show up.  They make a few derogatory remarks about his sister when he shows them her pictures so he starts fighting them.  They eventually get the better of him, but the old man who owns the marina yells "Hows this for a surprise boys!" then drives his Harley off the dock and into the water.  Yes you read that right.  Then the guys daughter shows up with a gun and breaks the whole thing up.  Seeing as how they have no clue who Lamas is they tell him to stay the night at there house.  He does, obviously he needs a break from looking for his missing sister already.
  When he wakes up, he finds they have taken his Harley apart and combined it with a Jet Ski!  It looks pretty cool actually.  SO he goes out into the swamp to look for his sister, when he gets about 1 minute in he crashed the jet ski, and finds his dads hat.  Two things, why does he keep riding things?  He keeps falling off of them, and two what the hell was that hat made of that it didn't burn?
  So while hes wandering around, the father and daughter from their marina show up to help him.  There not much help as the father is killed pretty much as soon as we see him.  So Lamas sets up some of his patented marine traps.  None of them work as the hillbilly's grab him and the girl.  Rather then kill them though, they do some elaborate James Bond Villain Hillbilly Style death plot.  They tie them up, stuff them in separate sleeping bags, and hang them from a tree.  That way the water will drain from there body and they will die.  Luckily for them the one hillbilly that stays to guard them gets horney and trys to have sex with the girl.  She escapes and stabs him.
  Now the music turns more up tempo as Lorenzo decides to dress up in his official Snake Eater T-Shirt.  Really its a t-shirt that says Snake Eater!, he also puts on a bandanna and gets his Rambo style knife.  He rigs the hillbilly boat so when one of them starts it it blows up.  He makes his way to there home, but the second he gets there he steps in a bear trap.  Here's a note, this is not how you build a strong action star.  One of the hillbilly sisters, who want to kill Lorenzo's sister because shes jealous her brother is going to breed with her instead of her, try to shot Lamas, but luckily Lamas's sister stabs her in the back with a big sea shell.
  Lorenzo then battles the hillbilly's and wins.  He hugs his sister and the music slows down.
  We then find his singing Kumbia again as he has ben reinstated and is on a stakeout with the same cops trying to catch a arsonist.  The arsonist is played by Horshack from Welcome Back Kotter.  He ties Horshack up, fills a balloon with some kind of chemical and stars swinging it over a candle.  So Horshack freaks out and confesses to all his crimes while the cops outside, yes there sitting right outside again, luckily none of these criminals ever seem to notice them just sit shaking there heads.
  Once again this was not made to be funny, but it sure as hell is hilarious too me!  Believe it or not it had 2 sequels.  Yes, two.  In another shocker, you can get this on DVD.  I recommend you do, as it is soo bad its entertaining.  Check it out!

Overall 2 out of 5 Stars!