Thursday, September 29, 2011


Plot Synopsis: A paraplegic marine dispatched to the moon Pandora on a unique mission becomes torn between following his orders and protecting the world he feels is his home

  Have you ever seen a movie so bad you fell asleep twice, and were so board you couldn't fall asleep for a 3rd time?  I have, 3 times actually.  The first was Emma, actually I was so board during that I couldn't sleep.  I just watched the clock for over 2hrs.  Second time was Titanic.  God that was awful!  Boat sinks, people die, forbidden lovers are torn apart.  You can get that from the poster.  Didn't need to experience it for close to 3 hours.  And third, Avatar, a film, that like Titanic was made by Ego Manic James Cameron.
  Have you seen Dances With Wolves?  I have, hated it, never finished.  This film can be described 2 ways. 
1.) Dances with Wolves meets Aliens who look lie giant Smurfs.
2.) I'm James Cameron watch me suck my dick onscreen via visual effects.
   I said it, I hate you James Cameron.  Your washed up as hell.  You did a good job on Terminator, Aliens was a good action flick, and I'll admit I liked Piranha II.  That's it.  You have no talent, no skill, you just use tons, and tons of CGI to cover the fact you make shallow piles of crap.  So this pile of crap centers on a paraplegic scientist who needs to go to the Avatar World (It has a name, I just don't remember, nor do I care) how is he an action star in a wheel chair?  Easy, he uses and Avatar.  And much like the fat pimply faced guys who use Avatars in World Of Warcraft, he's now a fully functional Marin.  His partner is Joel David Moore.  Right there, I'm out!  Joel was J.P from Grandmas Boy (Highly entertaining film BTW) so no matter what he does he will always be JP, the guy who talks like a robot.  I just thought of something.  There were Marines in Aliens.  God Cameron your so lazy you steal your own stuff.  You don't even have the energy or desire to rip off someone else.
  See us humans are bad, were not one with the earth like these aliens.  I know your thinking so what the aliens have lasers and space ships.  No, they have spears.  Yes as in blade tied to end of a stick, and they ride giant flying goats.  They do this buy taking there pony tail and shoving in the goats ass.  That way they are one with the goat.
  So Jake (That's the guys name) goes out into Smurf world, and gets separated from his group when he's attacked by giant lama, or something and ends up getting lost in the woods.  It's there he meets the daughter of the Smurf tribes king.  Do I even need to continue.  You know where its going.  Ok, I'll go a little more.    Some stuff happens, but I was sleeping.  Then the evil humans tell Jake they will fix his legs if he spies on Papa Smurf and his clan.  He reluctantly agrees but when he reports to home base that the Smurf will never leave there mushroom houses, the humans decide just to wipe them out.
  So Jake, the trustworthy guy he is, decides to help the Smurfs, and tames the wildest goat flying thing out there, and give a great Lombardi speech to the Smurfs who all rally behind him, and defeat the evil humans.  Some stuff may have happened in between but I was sleeping again.
  Is the film visually stunning?  You bet, too bad Drive Angry had the better 3D.  Yes that's right Cameron.  Drive Angry looked better in 3D.  Is the movie good.  NO!  Boring, Boring, and more boring.  Give me 200 million dollars, I'll make a movie about smurfs and flying goats people will like.  I know I am in the minority here, but I recommend you avoid.

Overall 0 out of 5 Stars!

1 comment:

  1. Well, I'm happy to see I'm not the only one in this minority...