Friday, September 16, 2011
C.I.A. Code Name Alexa
Plot Synopsis: A CIA operative kills a terrorist during a prison break. When a group of terrorists attempts to recover a microchip implanted in the man's body, one of them is captured and convinced by the CIA to work for them as an informer.
Lorenzo Lamas returns, and this time he's got back up, OJ Simpson! Yes that OJ Simpson. See lamas plays the worlds worst CIA agent, we know this because the film starts out with a whole horde of cops surrounding a government building that a group of terrorists have broken into. There are 4 terrorists, and they have about 4 hostages. There are like 50 cops there, and the chief is yelling at the head terrorist through a bullhorn. Obviously he has bad hearing, because even though he is like 50 floors up he just yells back at the cops through a window, and amid the helicopters, and cars they hear him just fine. He chuck a guy out the window and says more will be next! Enter Lorenzo Lamas, who walks in and learns the terrorists are there to steal a microchip. He has been following them for a while now, but he must have had to wait till the committed the crime to arrest them. They tell him they want a ticket outta here! He leaves and tell the chief "They want a way outta here, and I;m gunna give it to them!" He hosp on a motorcycle, puts on his helmet. Safety first! Crashes through the door, and kills all the terrorists. He then leaves. Now while he was getting on his motorcycle the main terrorist swallowed the microchip. Granted Lorenzo didn't see this, but don't you think he would have at least picked up the empty case that contained the chip and at least examined it. No he just leaves.
Well it turns out that the guy who employed these crack terrorists want his chip, so during the guys funeral he send in a group of mercenaries lead by Kathleen Kinmont, yes Lorenzo's real life wife, who just looks like a bucket off ass named Alexa, hence the title. She is probably the worst mercenary in the world, as when one of her guys decides to shoot the priest they just leave the guys body and don't even bother cutting the chip out. The cops arrive on the scene so Alexa, and t=the other mercenary split up and just basically jog down the street, as the cops slowly chase after them. As a gun fight has ensued they put out an APB and answering the call is the worlds worst cop OJ Simpson. He manages to get the drop on Alexa and arrests her. The other guy gets away.
So we get back to the station and when OJ questions Alexa she headbutts him in the face. I believe that was the moment that OJ started hating white women. Come on you knew an OJ joke was coming! He asks one of the female cops to frisk her, but she punches the guard and takes the juice hostage. This guy just sucks, I mean I'm pretty sure he could overpower a woman. Luckily Lorenzo shows up and saves the day. He tells OJ this is a government operation and takes Alexa to a top secret CIA office.
From there its kind of like Point of No Return, as they tell Alexa if she works for them They will give her her daughter back. So she trains in Kung Fu, and other combat means. But what this? Across town OJ and his partner decide to go and check out the corpse of the guy that Alexa was trying to steal. No sure why a guy who was already dead was taken to a hospital and left in a patient care room for two days, rather then just being buried, but they get there just as a mercenary is cutting the chip out. He kills OJ's Partner and runs off.
Turns out these guys work for a bad dude. He is having a party at his castle for other rich people, and tells them he plans on donating 100 thousand dollars to there favorite charity, but after they watch a fight to the death on his front lawn. I know, it makes no sense. They could have kidnapped OJ and had him fight some guy in a knife fight, and....never mind.
SO OJ is pissed his partner is dead so he crashes through the gates of the top secret CIA facility and gets arrested and locked up. By now Alexa is trained so she goes back to the bad guys house and steals the chip. This makes me wonder, if they just sent her back to beat up some guys why did they train her in the first place? Its not like they sent her in undercover to get information or anything. She just beats down some guys. Why didn't they just raid his house?
Well would you know just as she gets back the bad guys kidnap her daughter, but that's after her and Lorenzo have sex. The CIA doesn't want to help her, but Lorenzo does. So who does the worst CIA agent get to help? The worlds worst cop, and he breaks OJ out, well break out is a strong word, he just opens the door and gives the juice a gun. See even Lorenzo didn't trust him with a knife. So they go to the airport where this whole exchange the chip for the little girl scenario will play out, and of course theres the big final fight between Lorenzo and the bad guys bodyguard. But wait the bad guy gets the drop on the Juice and shoots him. But before OJ dies he throws an electrical cord at the bad guy who is conveniently standing in a puddle of water. Mother and daughter are reunited, and they leave with Lorenzo.
This film is bad. Kinmont is like a very ugly robot, Lorenzo doesn't do much, and the whole story is just dumb. The only fun in the whole thing is making OJ Jokes while he runs around with a gun. Personally I have nothing against OJ. I loved the Naked Gun films, and I really liked 1st and 10. But watching him glare at a woman like he wants to kill her is....never mind. I recommend watching this for the cheese factor. Its out on DVD!
Overall 2 out of 5 Stars!