Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Snake Eater!

Plot Synopsis:   The Snake Eaters are an elite division of the Marines especially trained for search and destroy missions. This actioner chronicles the exploits of one of them who has become a cop. Known as a tough loner, he returns to find the band of backwoods bad-guys who killed his parents and abducted his sister.

First off I must let you know two things.  One everything you are about to read it true.  I have not exaggerated any of this.  And two, this film is not a comedy!  It was made to be a serious action film, and to showcase Lorenzo Lamas as a leading action star.  This was his first action film, he had only done Grease (yes that Grease) and Body Rock. 
  Lamas is Soldier!  A bad ass former Marine from an elite unit called The Snake Eaters, hence the title.  Well now he a cop, and hes on undercover work trying to buy drugs.  See he's in a ghetto apartment while two plain clothed police officers sit outside in front of the building waiting for him.  Yes right out front, in an unmarked car.  They don't wait in the building across the street or watch with binoculars or anything.  They even order a pizza while they sit outside listening to him sing Kumbia over the wire, then talk about going blind from masturbation from boredom. Well before the mobsters show up, they send in a very ugly girl who looks like UFC fighter BJ Penn with a bad weave in to make sure hes not wired.  She does this by having him take off his clothes.  Then they have sex, while the two cops giggling are laughing, and having a coronary like they have never heard anyone having sex before.  The mobsters come in, just as Lamas pulls up his pants but before they even try to sell, or make a buy, it was never really explained.  He pushes a button on the floor and nails pop up sticking them to the floor.  As the ugly girl runs out she get caught in a net.  How long was this guy waiting to have set up all these elaborate traps.  Well when the other officers finally show up they tell him hes on suspension.
  Meanwhile Lorenzo's parents, and sister are traveling in there boat down a swamp.  Not sure why there traveling down a swamp.  Well the boat brakes down and suddenly 4 hillbilly's invade. They kill the mom and dad, but keep the sister to breed with her.  See they are inbred, and they have been inbreeding for so long there brother, or cousin, or father, or whatever decides he wants a real son.
  So Lamas is riding down the highway on his Harley when a kid playing kicks a ball in front of him.  He spins out of control, hits a dirt mound and back flips through a table at his favorite biker bar.  I have no idea why.  Once there he gets into a fight with a biker gang.  He does manage to beat them up with the worst looking series of punches on film.  When hes done the cops come to tell him his family's boat was found burned, and his sister is missing.  They have no leads, so he goes to town to look for them.
  Once there he goes to a marina where, ohh no, the evil inbred hillbilly's show up.  They make a few derogatory remarks about his sister when he shows them her pictures so he starts fighting them.  They eventually get the better of him, but the old man who owns the marina yells "Hows this for a surprise boys!" then drives his Harley off the dock and into the water.  Yes you read that right.  Then the guys daughter shows up with a gun and breaks the whole thing up.  Seeing as how they have no clue who Lamas is they tell him to stay the night at there house.  He does, obviously he needs a break from looking for his missing sister already.
  When he wakes up, he finds they have taken his Harley apart and combined it with a Jet Ski!  It looks pretty cool actually.  SO he goes out into the swamp to look for his sister, when he gets about 1 minute in he crashed the jet ski, and finds his dads hat.  Two things, why does he keep riding things?  He keeps falling off of them, and two what the hell was that hat made of that it didn't burn?
  So while hes wandering around, the father and daughter from their marina show up to help him.  There not much help as the father is killed pretty much as soon as we see him.  So Lamas sets up some of his patented marine traps.  None of them work as the hillbilly's grab him and the girl.  Rather then kill them though, they do some elaborate James Bond Villain Hillbilly Style death plot.  They tie them up, stuff them in separate sleeping bags, and hang them from a tree.  That way the water will drain from there body and they will die.  Luckily for them the one hillbilly that stays to guard them gets horney and trys to have sex with the girl.  She escapes and stabs him.
  Now the music turns more up tempo as Lorenzo decides to dress up in his official Snake Eater T-Shirt.  Really its a t-shirt that says Snake Eater!, he also puts on a bandanna and gets his Rambo style knife.  He rigs the hillbilly boat so when one of them starts it it blows up.  He makes his way to there home, but the second he gets there he steps in a bear trap.  Here's a note, this is not how you build a strong action star.  One of the hillbilly sisters, who want to kill Lorenzo's sister because shes jealous her brother is going to breed with her instead of her, try to shot Lamas, but luckily Lamas's sister stabs her in the back with a big sea shell.
  Lorenzo then battles the hillbilly's and wins.  He hugs his sister and the music slows down.
  We then find his singing Kumbia again as he has ben reinstated and is on a stakeout with the same cops trying to catch a arsonist.  The arsonist is played by Horshack from Welcome Back Kotter.  He ties Horshack up, fills a balloon with some kind of chemical and stars swinging it over a candle.  So Horshack freaks out and confesses to all his crimes while the cops outside, yes there sitting right outside again, luckily none of these criminals ever seem to notice them just sit shaking there heads.
  Once again this was not made to be funny, but it sure as hell is hilarious too me!  Believe it or not it had 2 sequels.  Yes, two.  In another shocker, you can get this on DVD.  I recommend you do, as it is soo bad its entertaining.  Check it out!

Overall 2 out of 5 Stars!

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