Friday, September 2, 2011


Plot synopsis: A teenage girl risk's everything when she falls in love with a vampire! 

The other day a friend of mine asked me to review the film Twilight.  Normally this person would not be my friend anymore, but she did buy me that cool Santo mask I wear in my picture, so here goes.
Let me start off by saying I dig vampire films.  Fright Night (Original), Lost Boy’s, and Near Dark being my favorites of the bunch.  I like True Blood, and yes I will admit I am a fan of The Vampire Diaries.  It’s actually one of my favorite shows.  So it's obvious I dig the whole Sexy Vampire, Teen angst style drama.
  With that said, I hate Twilight.  It’s awful.  It’s God awful, it’s awful on a level that is otherworldly.  Some ugly girl named Bella, who looks like a cross between a homeless girl, and Kirsten Dunst plays the lead.  Let it be known I think Kristin Dunst looks like a Yeti, so I’m not paying any complement.  And the main vampire dude, Edward who likes her is like a cross between a very metrosexual Harry Potter, and Jake Gyllenhal's deformed twin brother. 
  They both live in a town that luckily is always rainy and cloudy so that way 100 year old Vampires can go to High School.  When Bella first sits next to Edward he gets up and asks to be moved from the class completely.  I just figured she must be wearing some of that stink oil perfume that Kim Kardashian sells.  But it turns out it’s because he's so attracted to her.  He must have a thing for chicks that look like trannie's.
  Then one fateful day a car almost hits her, but he stops it like some vampire superman.  Then he picks her up and they run and fly in the woods.  He asks her to come to dinner with his family, who are all vampires.  But it's cool their nice vampires who drink animal blood.  I bet PETA doesn’t think there so nice.  So she goes to have dinner with them, and they all eat food and then go play tag, or touch football, or something, when some evil vampires smell her bad perfume and want to eat her.  I have to say I liked these vampires, because they wanted to at least kill someone and drink there blood.
  Then somehow (I lost interest long before this keep in mind) she ends up being taken hostage by the bad vampires, but then Edward and his family come to save her.  She get hurt and has to drink some of his blood to live, I think, and they end up going to prom together.  Also I forgot to mention that these vampires don’t die in the sun.  They just turn to crystal, well it looks more like glass as the budget for this film wasn’t that high for good effects.
   There is a sub plot about some Indian who knows vampires are bad, and he’s like Bella's best friend, and he's really a werewolf.  You don’t learn that till part 2 though.  I learned it from commercials.  I didn’t watch part 2.  I heard its better, can’t be worse.
  I guess I hated this for a few reasons, the vampires didn’t eat anybody.  The girl is ass ugly, so you would think they would want to eat her so they wouldn’t have to look at her.  The vampires all looked like sissys.  They turn to Freaking Crystal in the sun for God's sake!  There is no reason to like this.  My wife, Mrs. Kahuna watched this with me, she thought it was ok.  So I guess my review doesn’t count.  In all fairness I'm not the target audience for this series of films.  I'm not between the ages of 8-18, and I don’t have a vagina.

Overall 1 out of 5 Stars (This 1 star is based on the fun I had writing this review)

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