Thursday, September 29, 2011


Plot Synopsis: Retired Old West gunslinger William Munny reluctantly takes on one last job, with the help of his old partner and a young man.

I like to post on the Dead Pit message boards.  People there are pretty cool, helpful, and passionate about there films.  There is a poster there named Shloggs.  He is the writer of Shloggs Horror Blog.  A site you should check out if you haven't.  Very well written lengthy intelligent takes on cinema.  Basically the opposite of my mindless humor filled ramblings.  With that said He stated that Unforgiven is a great action film, with true tough guy characters.  I countered the heroes of the film would be to riddled with arthritis to pull out a 6 shooter, and they would collapse under the weight of there trench coats.  He responded by saying Lorenzo Lamas films have warped my mind.  This is probably true.  However in my defense, I like Clint Eastwood.  I just hate Westerns.  Tombstone is a good film, because of the cast.  Quick and the Dead is good, but I really in all fairness cant consider that a western.  I am a huge fan of Brisco County Jr. but that had sci fi elements to it.  But to be fair I decided to get Unforgiven, and watch it again with a complete fair open mind.  So here we go.
  Unforgiven starts of with a couple of cowboys slicing up a whore at a whorehouse.  They cut her good.  They actually keep cutting her until its broken up by the owner of the brothel.  He ties the cowboys up, and calls the sheriff played by Lex Luthor himself Gene Hackman.  So Hackman, slowly drags his old ass to the whorehouse where all the other whores are demanding these 2 guys be hung, but Hackman doesn't want any trouble in his town so he makes them promise to give the owner some horses in exchange.  This brings up an interesting point.  Why horses?  Why not money?  Is there going to be some bestiality going on in this here whore house?
  Anyway the girls don't like this so they scrape up all there money and give it to the girl who has ben disfigured and tell her to start a new life.  No, that's not what happens.  Although it would be nicer, and make more sense.  However that would make for a dull film.  They decide to put a thousand dollar bounty on the 2 cowboys, much to the disgust of Gene Hackman.  I think it was disgust, he always looks the same.  Maybe he just had heartburn.  So a young punk up and coming gunslinger decided to go after the reward.  He decides he needs some back up and goes to a pig farm to find Clint Eastwood.  See Eastwood was a vicious gunfighter back in the day, but now he raises pigs with his 2 kids.  He doesn't want to kill anymore and tells the kid to leave.  Plus he's in no shape, hes old too.  Hell, this guy falls down in pig shit trying to catch a sick animal.  Unfortunately his pigs have a fever, and he may not have money to support him and his kids, see his wife is dead.  SO he get his guns and goes off to catch up to the kid and help him get the reward.  Also he just leaves his kids alone.  There like 8.  Father of the year.
  Seeing how hes old he decides he better get some help as well.  Geeze how many guys are gonna have to split this reward?  He decides to get Morgan Freeman.  Yes, that Morgan Freeman,  He just rides in while Freeman is drinking his Metamucil one morning, and get him to basically abandon his wife to they can go out and hunt these 2 cowboys together.
  Also at this time yet another old man (Boy this film is starting to remind me of WCW) named English Bob decides he want the reward, how did these hookers get the word out so quickly, and rides into town.  To bad Gene Hackman doesn't want him there, and basically stomps the crap out of him.  It's really not all that impressive.  Its like to old walruses tussling over a grape actually. Well tussling is a bad term, Bob doesn't even get in a move.  Hackman stomps him good and throws him out of town as an example.
  While this is going on Clint and Freeman catch up to the kid and head into town.  It stars raining really hard, and I was sure the 2 old bastards would die of pneumonia, but they don't, maybe that why Sholggs thinks there tough. and they go to the saloon, where that darn Hackman is waiting.  He doesn't allow guns in his town.  So when he finds a gun on Clint he beats him down.  SO far Hackman is the only tough guy in this film, but hes basically just beating down senior citizens.
  So Freeman stiches Eastwood up and the three go off still looking for the 2 cowboys.  They find and kill one, making Hackman even angrier.  So angry he captures Freeman and whips him for information.  While this whipping is going on Eastwood and the kid find the other cowboy, and the kids shoots him while hes taking a crap.  God I guess hackman is the only bad ass in this film.  But wait!  One of the whores shows up and tells Eastwood that Freeman has been killed and has ben placed in a coffin in the middle of town  for all  to see.  The coffin is actually open and you can see his dead body.  Cue the music, cause Dirty Harry is back.
  Clint rides into town, and basically kills the entire bar, Hackman included.  Then he just leaves, and he leaves with no problem as no one want to mess with him now.  He goes home, and over the end credits we learn he went to San Fransisco to sell dry goods.
  Ok, so, here's what I'll say.  All kidding and age jokes aside, this is a hell of a cast.  These guys might be relics, but they can give a performance.  The violence is good, if your an action fan.  And if you dig westerns you probably love, or would love this film.  I just cant get into it.  Its the whole setting thing.  I would re do it and have Lorenzo Lamas ride up on his Harley in a bad part of town, where the crooked cop, played by Burt Reynolds hates Motorcycle guys.  SO Lorenzo gets Jason Statham, and Keanu Reeves to help him clean up the town and avenge the death of a friendly hooker played by Eva Mendez.  That would be better, and it would have kung fu fights.  And car chases, becasue watching people ride on horses is boring. And then we should havedoves fly overhead durring the finnal battle when Burt pulls out the ace in his sleave, and has Dolph Lundgrin show up as his bodyguard.  God that would be sweet, and better than this.

Overall 2 out of 5 Stars!

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