Marked For Death!

Plot Synopsis: Chicago DEA agent John Hatcher has just returned from Colombia, where his partner was killed in the line of duty by a drug dealer who has since been taken down. As a result of his partner's death, John has decided to retire, but his retirement may not be permanent.  

 Ok, I'll admit it before I go any further, I like Steven Segal.  I prefer his older stuff, but I even like his new stuff.  So he got fat, he got old to.  He can still beat your ass, provided he can catch you.  Marked for Death is his 3rd film, and it's my personally favorite.  He's thin in it, so no long trench coat and yellow sunglasses. 
  Segal stars as John, a DEA agent who after the worlds most botched attempt at a drug by, yes Segal botched this one.  See his partner (Hey you gotta have a partner to get killed) lets a guy who made them escape, Segal has to do his patented school girl run and kick the guy through a fence, then tie him up and throw him in his car.  Problem is this guy ran through town, so in all honesty everyone probably saw them anyway.  But they still go, get found out, and after a short gun fight Segals partner is killed, and Segal decides to retire, and go and visit his family.  Side note, these things never end well for the respected family.  These guys need to retired to an island where their loved ones will stop being hurt or murdered.
  So Segal decides to look up his buddy, who is now a high school football coach.  They go out for a few drinks, when suddenly The Jamaican Voodoo Posse show up and gun down a local crime lord in the bar.  Segal grabs one of the Jamaicans, and has him arrested.  Turns out the Posse are the local crack dealers in town,and the coach wants to bring them down, but Segal want to stay retired, until he goes home and the Jamaicans riddle his house in a drive by, hitting his niece.  The shit is on!
  Segal and his buddy decide enough is enough and go after the gang.  They roll up on the Jamaicans, who are smoking weed in a BMW, and pull a gun on them trying to get information on where there leader Screwface is.  The Jamaicans fire back and speed down the street.  Segal gives chase in a 1984 Bronco.  Luckily this is Segal so he keeps right up with the BMW, even cutting them off, and forcing them to crash into a jewelry store where he uses his Akido skill to beat down all 5 guys.  For some reason he is not arrested.  Neither is his buddy, who is running around doing nothing with a sawed off shotgun.  Yup, no cops show up at all.  They must know better then to mess with Segal.  So the DEA sends there top Jamaican agent to help Segal go to Jamaica and take out Screwface, who everyone believes has magical voodoo powers.
  He powers are no mach for the Akido, and lighting fast running of Segal who breaks into Screwface's compound, kills the guards, then kills Screwface.
  He goes back home to tell the gang its all over, when suddenly Screwface appears.  Turns out he has a twin brother who grabs a sword and attacks Segal.  Unfortunately for him Segal is a master of the sword, and stabs him in the crotch, and knocks him down an elevator shaft impaling him.  The Jamaicans back off, as Segal carrys his Jamaican DEA agent friend out of the building.  He was killed.  Come on action film, black friend, hes gotta die.
  This is Segals best work.  The plot is simple to follow, but very cool.  The voodoo aspect of the gang is cool, and they actually hired real Jamaicans to play the parts.  The action scenes are amazing.  Say what you want about Segal, but he is a legitimate Akido Master, and it shows in this film.  I had the privilege of seeing this opening night in a packed movie theatre with a wild action crowd and loved every minute of it.  Check it out, I watch it several times a year.  Like I said earlier, I still watch Segal's films, and like them, but the new stuff doesnt hold a candel to his early work.  Check this out!

Overall 4 out of 5 Stars!

Unforgiven

Plot Synopsis: Retired Old West gunslinger William Munny reluctantly takes on one last job, with the help of his old partner and a young man.

I like to post on the Dead Pit message boards.  People there are pretty cool, helpful, and passionate about there films.  There is a poster there named Shloggs.  He is the writer of Shloggs Horror Blog.  A site you should check out if you haven't.  Very well written lengthy intelligent takes on cinema.  Basically the opposite of my mindless humor filled ramblings.  With that said He stated that Unforgiven is a great action film, with true tough guy characters.  I countered the heroes of the film would be to riddled with arthritis to pull out a 6 shooter, and they would collapse under the weight of there trench coats.  He responded by saying Lorenzo Lamas films have warped my mind.  This is probably true.  However in my defense, I like Clint Eastwood.  I just hate Westerns.  Tombstone is a good film, because of the cast.  Quick and the Dead is good, but I really in all fairness cant consider that a western.  I am a huge fan of Brisco County Jr. but that had sci fi elements to it.  But to be fair I decided to get Unforgiven, and watch it again with a complete fair open mind.  So here we go.
  Unforgiven starts of with a couple of cowboys slicing up a whore at a whorehouse.  They cut her good.  They actually keep cutting her until its broken up by the owner of the brothel.  He ties the cowboys up, and calls the sheriff played by Lex Luthor himself Gene Hackman.  So Hackman, slowly drags his old ass to the whorehouse where all the other whores are demanding these 2 guys be hung, but Hackman doesn't want any trouble in his town so he makes them promise to give the owner some horses in exchange.  This brings up an interesting point.  Why horses?  Why not money?  Is there going to be some bestiality going on in this here whore house?
  Anyway the girls don't like this so they scrape up all there money and give it to the girl who has ben disfigured and tell her to start a new life.  No, that's not what happens.  Although it would be nicer, and make more sense.  However that would make for a dull film.  They decide to put a thousand dollar bounty on the 2 cowboys, much to the disgust of Gene Hackman.  I think it was disgust, he always looks the same.  Maybe he just had heartburn.  So a young punk up and coming gunslinger decided to go after the reward.  He decides he needs some back up and goes to a pig farm to find Clint Eastwood.  See Eastwood was a vicious gunfighter back in the day, but now he raises pigs with his 2 kids.  He doesn't want to kill anymore and tells the kid to leave.  Plus he's in no shape, hes old too.  Hell, this guy falls down in pig shit trying to catch a sick animal.  Unfortunately his pigs have a fever, and he may not have money to support him and his kids, see his wife is dead.  SO he get his guns and goes off to catch up to the kid and help him get the reward.  Also he just leaves his kids alone.  There like 8.  Father of the year.
  Seeing how hes old he decides he better get some help as well.  Geeze how many guys are gonna have to split this reward?  He decides to get Morgan Freeman.  Yes, that Morgan Freeman,  He just rides in while Freeman is drinking his Metamucil one morning, and get him to basically abandon his wife to they can go out and hunt these 2 cowboys together.
  Also at this time yet another old man (Boy this film is starting to remind me of WCW) named English Bob decides he want the reward, how did these hookers get the word out so quickly, and rides into town.  To bad Gene Hackman doesn't want him there, and basically stomps the crap out of him.  It's really not all that impressive.  Its like to old walruses tussling over a grape actually. Well tussling is a bad term, Bob doesn't even get in a move.  Hackman stomps him good and throws him out of town as an example.
  While this is going on Clint and Freeman catch up to the kid and head into town.  It stars raining really hard, and I was sure the 2 old bastards would die of pneumonia, but they don't, maybe that why Sholggs thinks there tough. and they go to the saloon, where that darn Hackman is waiting.  He doesn't allow guns in his town.  So when he finds a gun on Clint he beats him down.  SO far Hackman is the only tough guy in this film, but hes basically just beating down senior citizens.
  So Freeman stiches Eastwood up and the three go off still looking for the 2 cowboys.  They find and kill one, making Hackman even angrier.  So angry he captures Freeman and whips him for information.  While this whipping is going on Eastwood and the kid find the other cowboy, and the kids shoots him while hes taking a crap.  God I guess hackman is the only bad ass in this film.  But wait!  One of the whores shows up and tells Eastwood that Freeman has been killed and has ben placed in a coffin in the middle of town  for all  to see.  The coffin is actually open and you can see his dead body.  Cue the music, cause Dirty Harry is back.
  Clint rides into town, and basically kills the entire bar, Hackman included.  Then he just leaves, and he leaves with no problem as no one want to mess with him now.  He goes home, and over the end credits we learn he went to San Fransisco to sell dry goods.
  Ok, so, here's what I'll say.  All kidding and age jokes aside, this is a hell of a cast.  These guys might be relics, but they can give a performance.  The violence is good, if your an action fan.  And if you dig westerns you probably love, or would love this film.  I just cant get into it.  Its the whole setting thing.  I would re do it and have Lorenzo Lamas ride up on his Harley in a bad part of town, where the crooked cop, played by Burt Reynolds hates Motorcycle guys.  SO Lorenzo gets Jason Statham, and Keanu Reeves to help him clean up the town and avenge the death of a friendly hooker played by Eva Mendez.  That would be better, and it would have kung fu fights.  And car chases, becasue watching people ride on horses is boring. And then we should havedoves fly overhead durring the finnal battle when Burt pulls out the ace in his sleave, and has Dolph Lundgrin show up as his bodyguard.  God that would be sweet, and better than this.

Overall 2 out of 5 Stars!

Avatar

Plot Synopsis: A paraplegic marine dispatched to the moon Pandora on a unique mission becomes torn between following his orders and protecting the world he feels is his home

  Have you ever seen a movie so bad you fell asleep twice, and were so board you couldn't fall asleep for a 3rd time?  I have, 3 times actually.  The first was Emma, actually I was so board during that I couldn't sleep.  I just watched the clock for over 2hrs.  Second time was Titanic.  God that was awful!  Boat sinks, people die, forbidden lovers are torn apart.  You can get that from the poster.  Didn't need to experience it for close to 3 hours.  And third, Avatar, a film, that like Titanic was made by Ego Manic James Cameron.
  Have you seen Dances With Wolves?  I have, hated it, never finished.  This film can be described 2 ways. 
1.) Dances with Wolves meets Aliens who look lie giant Smurfs.
2.) I'm James Cameron watch me suck my dick onscreen via visual effects.
   I said it, I hate you James Cameron.  Your washed up as hell.  You did a good job on Terminator, Aliens was a good action flick, and I'll admit I liked Piranha II.  That's it.  You have no talent, no skill, you just use tons, and tons of CGI to cover the fact you make shallow piles of crap.  So this pile of crap centers on a paraplegic scientist who needs to go to the Avatar World (It has a name, I just don't remember, nor do I care) how is he an action star in a wheel chair?  Easy, he uses and Avatar.  And much like the fat pimply faced guys who use Avatars in World Of Warcraft, he's now a fully functional Marin.  His partner is Joel David Moore.  Right there, I'm out!  Joel was J.P from Grandmas Boy (Highly entertaining film BTW) so no matter what he does he will always be JP, the guy who talks like a robot.  I just thought of something.  There were Marines in Aliens.  God Cameron your so lazy you steal your own stuff.  You don't even have the energy or desire to rip off someone else.
  See us humans are bad, were not one with the earth like these aliens.  I know your thinking so what the aliens have lasers and space ships.  No, they have spears.  Yes as in blade tied to end of a stick, and they ride giant flying goats.  They do this buy taking there pony tail and shoving in the goats ass.  That way they are one with the goat.
  So Jake (That's the guys name) goes out into Smurf world, and gets separated from his group when he's attacked by giant lama, or something and ends up getting lost in the woods.  It's there he meets the daughter of the Smurf tribes king.  Do I even need to continue.  You know where its going.  Ok, I'll go a little more.    Some stuff happens, but I was sleeping.  Then the evil humans tell Jake they will fix his legs if he spies on Papa Smurf and his clan.  He reluctantly agrees but when he reports to home base that the Smurf will never leave there mushroom houses, the humans decide just to wipe them out.
  So Jake, the trustworthy guy he is, decides to help the Smurfs, and tames the wildest goat flying thing out there, and give a great Lombardi speech to the Smurfs who all rally behind him, and defeat the evil humans.  Some stuff may have happened in between but I was sleeping again.
  Is the film visually stunning?  You bet, too bad Drive Angry had the better 3D.  Yes that's right Cameron.  Drive Angry looked better in 3D.  Is the movie good.  NO!  Boring, Boring, and more boring.  Give me 200 million dollars, I'll make a movie about smurfs and flying goats people will like.  I know I am in the minority here, but I recommend you avoid.

Overall 0 out of 5 Stars!

A Very Special Announcment

As October is upon us, and Halloween is right around the corner, October will be Horror Month!  All Horror films, every day!

Romy and Michelles High School Reunion

Plot Synopsis: Two women get into a lot of trouble when they go to their high school reunion and lie about their lives after twelfth grade 

 A few days ago I watched Bridesmaids. I was told its the funniest, raunchiest comedy out there, and the sell point is that it's also a chick flick.  It's funny in parts, but it doesn't hold a candle to the best girl movie ever made. Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion. 
  I absolutely adore this film.  Its funny, has a great 80's soundtrack, and vibe.  The chemistry between Lisa Kudrow, and Mira Sorvina is fantastic, and all in all its just an enjoyable film.  As it is a comedy this review will be short, as its almost impossible to give away jokes, and lets face it, your reading, not watching so I cant really discuss sight gags either.
  Romy and Michell are two best friends, who in my opinion should have explored a lesbian relationship, as they are both so hot!  They have been best friends forever and live together in LA.  They get a letter inviting them to there 10 year reunion, and desperately want to make up an elaborate story to sound successfuly, and important.  See they were laughed at by the popular kids.  Not really sure why, as the popular kids were pretty ugly, and they were hot as hell.  And now they are far from successful.  Romy is unemployed, and Michelle works the counter at a rent a car store.  It also leads me to wonder one other thing.  If they were laughed at in High school, by people they didn't like anyway, in a town they hated, why would they want to go back.
  But they want to go so they decide to tell everyone they invented Post It's.  Problem is, and yes much like a real 80's film, this has your typical 80's style catch.  A friend of theres shows up and reveals they did not in fact invent Post It's.  You know I have to ask, why would to airheads, who lets be honest, may be hot, but are clearly dumb as shit say they invented Post It's?  I guess they came up with that because they are so dumb.  There is no way in hell anyone would have ever believed them anyway. 
  In the end though they stand up to the popular girls and dance with a former nerd, who is now rich.  And as the nerd always liked Romy, he loans them money to open up their own clothing store.  That's the only part I found bad.  The dance with the nerd to end the reunion.  They should have danced together, dirty danced, lambada if you will.  Because in case I forgot to mention, there both hot!
  This is a great film, I really don't think I have ever heard anyone say a bad word about it.  It's what a film should be.  Fun, and entertaining.  I highly recommend this.

Overall 4 out of 5 Stars!

A New Feature......Maybe

  Ok, I know people read this, so please help me out and post here.  I want to know your top 5 favorite films, and the your 5 worst films.  Post them here, and I will pick one from each and review them.  I would like to start doing this once a week.  Thank you in advance for your corporation.

Sorry

Sorry for not having a review up today. I will make up for it tomorrow with 2 reviews and a brand new segment. And also if that wasn't enough a very special announcement.