Human Centipede 2

Plot Synopsis: Inspired by the fictional Dr. Heiter, disturbed loner Martin dreams of creating a 12-person centipede and sets out to realize his sick fantasy

  First off let me say sorry for the lack of updates.  I pride myself on doing one review daily, but my 2 year old son was sick, and he comes before anything.  Well he started feeling better yesterday so that gave my wife and I a change to sit down and watch Human Centipede 2

  Ok I have to say Human Centipede was a great film.  I covered it a week or so back.  But all things considered it was rather tame.  Tom Six, the Director promised part 2 would make part one look like "My Little Pony".  He had to cut out 18 scenes to even get the film considered for release.  It was banned outright in the UK.  So my wife and I were very curious to see it.

  Human Centipede 2 centers around a God ugly fat, and ugly asthmatic man named Martin who works security, or something like that in an underground parking garage.  He sits around all day watching Human Centipede and writing notes on how to make his own centipede.  Every time he notices someone in the garage he cracks them in the head with a crowbar, duck tapes them and takes them to an abandoned building.  This is actually the only problem I have with the film.  Why was no one ever reported missing, and the last place they were seen was this garage?  I mean he was grabbing people left and right.  Also doesn't anyone there watch security tapes?  He's in plain view of all these cameras.  Oh well.

  When he's not busy watching his Human Centipede DVD, or capturing people he sits at home without his shirt on, which is way nastier than anything else in this films, and gets yelled at by his mom.  he also hears his dead, or just plan gone dad's voice.  But its ok, he has a pet centipede.  See he's so obsessed with the movie, he plans on making his own.  But as he has so much free time on his hands, he wants to link 12 people together.  So throughout the first hour he manages to capture 12 people, and just flat out kill 4 more, his mom included.  That's not a bad thing.  She was a real bitch.  The one highlight from this, is that he convinces Ashlynn Yennie from Human Centipede 1 that she can come to the UK to audition for the new Quinton Tarentino film.  When she gets there he takes here captive as well.

  Well like in the first film, he has to connect everyone ass to mouth, and remove there knee caps, so they can crawl like a real centipede.  Problem is, he's no surgeon, just some nut bad, with a scalpel, staple gun, and duck tape.  So for the next 25 minutes you see him remove nee caps, cut out tongues, staple people ass to mouth, and then if that's not enough he has to feed them.  He does that by shoving a feeding tube down the first girls mouth and filling her with soup, and then some ex lax for good measure.  He wants everyone to poop (Remember I think poop sounds funnier than shit) so bad he gives them all ex lax, and even rubs there tummy's.  I think you can see where this is going.  I don't want to say anymore, because I don't want to give away the ending.  But I will say, you get to see a woman deliver a baby, a centipede in the ass, toungs cut out, and bullets in the head.

  A few thing I must say.  Laurence Harvey did a fantastic job as Martin.  He never speaks.  He simply coughs, grunts, and takes his asthma inhaler.  He cries a few times, but never utters a word.  And he is creepy, and greasy as all hell.  The concept is fantastic, thinking a real nut case could be inspired by a film like Human Centipede and even try to copy it.  The film is entirely shot in black and white.  Which gives it a creepy, yet acid trippy Eraserhead feel.  And yes, it is 10 times more disgusting than part 1.  Does it live up to all the hype?  Of course not, theres no way it could have.  I recommend checking it out.  It's currently playing on In Demand.  I will be waiting for the uncut version, as I have read about some of the things they cut out, and I am curious how may gore shots were cut down.  All in all though a good film, that I highly recommend.

Overall 3 out of 5 Stars!

Blair Witch Project

Plot Synopsis: Three film students travel to Maryland to make a student film about a local urban legend... The Blair Witch. 

 Blair Witch is the low budget film that paved the way for the modern cheap scare films like Paranormal Activity.  As you recall from my past review I hate Paranormal Activity.  I'm not a fan of Blair Witch either.  I saw it in the theatre and thought it was kind of cool, so I bought the DVD.  I fell asleep and was never able to watch it again.

  3 Stupid film students go in search of The Blair Witch.  See years ago, 1940 actually some crazy old guy kidnapped a group of kids, took them to his house, tortured them, then made them stare at a corner, you know like when you put a kid in time out, while one was killed.  He turned himself in and said he was possessed by the Blair Witch.  Cool story, they even meet a crazy lady who says she met the witch.  Once again, I am sick of townsfolk being crazy.  Someone one day will make a movie where the townsfolk aren't brain dead rapists. 

  Anyway these 3 annoying kids, who do nothing but say "fuck" every other word meet a hunter who tells then the woods are haunted.  As this guy looks like a mouth breather, they camp in the woods.  See if it was a normal intelligent member of the town they probably would have stayed away thus preventing the next God Awful 50 minutes.   And I do mean awful.  They hear noises, so they yell and cuss.  Then the next day they walk around cussing more.  That night they hear more noises, and continue to cuss.  Then they find some stick figures, and cuss.  That night, they cuss again.  They walk around more while they cuss. 

  Then something happens, kind of.  The one guy disappears.  They cuss about that.  So then the girl cry's and cusses into her camera.  She then hears noises, and cusses again.  They think they hear the missing guy and run to a house.  They split up, while cussing and when the girl goes into the basement she sees one guy with his back to the wall in time out, and her camera drops, she screams, the end.

Don't get me wrong, I have a filthy mouth.  But come on, profanity is basically the only dialogue you hear.  They walk around just like Lord of the Rings, going nowhere.  And obviously I'm not the only person too hate these kids.  They were gone for like 5 days and no one bothered to come looking for them. The handheld gimmick wears thin fast, and you start to get motion sick after a while.  And all and all I just hate the girl so much, I got even madder when I didn't see her die.  I guess the only good thing that came out of this was the parody scene of the girl in the woods in Scary Movie.  Don't bother with this.  Just film a friend of yours walking around there back yard yelling "Fuck" and you have this film.

Overall 1 out of 5 Stars!

Last House on a Dead End Street

Plot Synopsis: After being released from prison, a young gangster with a chip on his shoulder decides to punish society by making snuff films 

 You know, I've seen Last House on a Dead End Street quite a few times in my life.  Ive always wondered if it was the most artistic horror film ever made, and just a cheap, vile piece of filth.  I watched it again today, and really studied it.  I came to the conclusion that it's somewhere right in the middle.

  House is about a lowlife named Terry who is fresh out of prison.  He talks about giving away so much of his life.  In all actuality he was sentenced to one year.  He decides he's going to make movies.  Different, dangerous films.  Harder than porn.  To do this though he needs a crew.  he gets his old pal Ken who works at a slaughterhouse.  During this narration you see a cow getting killed.  See Ken spent some time in the crazy house for having sex with a cat.  You don't see this, although it would have probably been more entertaining.  See lots of this film is done in narrative form.  Something I am not that big on.  Anyway he also goes and gets a couple of whores, well junkies actually and a guy named Bill to be his camera man.  They learn about a porn producer who films weird sex stuff for rich people, and go to check it out.

  The party is actually a girl in a gimp mask getting whipped by a hunchback.  Not very sexy, at least not in my eyes.  So this porn producer hooks up with Terry, who tells him they are going to do something real different and dangerous.  See Terry wants to make snuff films.  You know real people being really killed.  But they do them in a weird way.  They have a guy tied up, two girls make out with him, then Terry puts on a giant Zeus looking mask and choked the guy to death.  We then find him banging on of the girls and telling her it looked real because it was.

  Our producer shows up on set only to get tied up while Terry, wearing his giant mask has a girl tied but.  She gets branded, then killed.  Well now our producer knows this is real, so rather than kill him Terry forces him to direct another film..  He runs off so they kill him.  Then all at once we see a girl tied up on a table.  She gets her face sliced up, leg sawed off, and her intestine ripped out with pliers.

In another weird scene a girl unzips her jeans to reveal a horse hoof or something sticking out of her pants, and a guy is forced to blow it.  He then gets taken out with a power drill.  Then suddenly you hear narration saying that Terry and his group were apprehended and taken to the state pen.

Wow, sounds weird right?  It is.  It is low budget beyond belief.  Like imagine if you and 5 guys went to an abandoned building with a super 8 camera and made a film.  That's what this looks like.  It is nasty.  Bloody killings, and tons of nudity add to the sleaze factor.  Also the other thing it has going for it is the legend factor.  See this is one of the most sought after horror films ever.  It was long thought lost and only very crappy VHS copies were floating around.  Barrel Entertainment did a fantastic job of putting out a 2 disc DVD set a few years back, with interviews, tons of extras, and even a booklet.  Problem is that's long out of print now as well.  This film, sells for over $100.00.  Should you buy it?  I cant in good faith recommend spending more than 20.00 for it.  Its cool, and sleazy, but artsy and cheap.  A very weird blend.

Overall 2 out of 5 Stars!

Black Roses

Plot Synopsis: Demons hypnotize the general public by posing as a rock and roll band.


  Ahh the 80's, a time of horrible hairband music, ugly cloths, and very cool straight to video movies.  Black Roses is one of those films.  In all actuality this film should suck.  But it's really good.  I first saw it on the old USA Up All Night show.  I then went out and bought the cool VHS tape with the 3D cover.  Then a few years back Synapse Pictures released a gorgeous DVD transfer.

  Black Roses centers on a Heavy metal band named  Black Roses.  Their lead singer is Damion.  A typical 80's glam metal band.  By typical I mean crap.  big hair, sissy vocals, Spinal Tap reject back up players, ugly outfits, the whole nine yards.  Well there music turns people into zombies, or something like that.  They go to a sleepy town to put on a series of shows at the local high school.  The kids are all normal, they even look up to a cool teacher.  We know he's cool because he has a Tom Selleck mustache, and wears jeans to school with his zip up hoodie.    At first the parents, and school board don't want the band playing there, as heavy metal music is evil.  That was a huge taboo around this time.  But when they go to check out the bands first show they see Damion, the singer is dressed nice, and singing slow love music.  For some reason the parents don't stick around, they just go "Ohh this isn't so bad" and leave halfway into the first song.  Once gone our Band pulls a magic trick of some sort and is now dressed in full heavy metal cheese costumes.  They start singing there God Awful music.

  The next day the kids start acting different.  Angry, aggressive, rebelling against authority.  Our one stereotypical Italian kid gets yelled at by his dad for having an earring, and suddenly a giant monster pops out of the stereo speaker and sucks the dad in.  The kids go back to the concert the next day, yes, it's a whole series of crap music, and become further possessed by evil.  One kid runs his mom over with a car, another kills her abusive step dad, and also the girlfriend of our hero teacher.  The principal gets thrown out the window.  And in one very weird, but amusing scene a girl seduces her freinds dad by playing strip gin rummy.
  Just as our hero is about to spring into action, one of his students shows up to sexually entice him.  She's pretty hot, and gets naked.  When he pushes her away she tuns into a weird looking cross between a demon, zombie, and that hot thing from Splice.  It's not much of a demon, as he beats it to death with a baseball bat.

So he finally decides he has to take the band out, and goes to there concert.  As everyone is in a trance he starts dumping gasoline on stage.  Guess he doesn't really like his students, as he must be planning on burning them to death too.  He gets caught, as hes basically 2 feet from our lead singer, who morphs into a demon, along with the rest of the band.  Demon may be too strong.  More like big rubber monster.  Luckily as I said before there not that tough, as our hero starts fighting them off, complete with sound effects after each hit.  Just when all is lost, and our teacher is grabbed he does the dreaded "Kick the rubber monster in the balls" bit and lights the stage on fire, while the band plays.  Which is much cooler then the band playing as the ship went down in Titanic.  Somehow this causes the kids to go back to normal, as they leave the building.

  As this is 80's horror, we cut to the final scene where our teacher, and the mayor are watching TV too learn that the Black Roses will be playing a set of shows in Madison Square Garden!

  Ok, I know this sounds bad.  Truth be told it kind of is.  But it is entertaining.  I hate the music.  But watching a rubber monster get kicked in the balls is funny.  Plus it has good, and bloody scenes, with nudity, so there is something there for the fan of 80's horror.  If you like 80's horror, dig Heavy Metal, or just like cheesy films check this out.  The DVD transfer is fantastic.  If you a child of the 90's you may want to avoid

Overall 3 out of 5 Stars.

August Underground

Plot Synopsis: Two serial killers go on a murdering rampage as one films the outcome from behind a video camera. One of the most realistically portrayed simulated snuff films ever made 

  Have you ever wanted to find a video tape made by a serial killer?  Have you ever wondered what a serial killer does while he's murdering someone?  If you could see all of this would you?  If you answered yes to any of these, or even no, you should check out August Underground.  It's a few years old, but has not only a rabid cult following, but a ton of controversy.

  August is shot completely POV.  It really is like watching a video tape directly from a killers camera.  Shakey, handheld, grainy, all very believable  It centers around two killers, who have no names.  Well I'm sure they do, they just don't give them.  It opens with our camera man on a farmhouse going into his buddy's basement to check out the girl he has tied up.  They cut off her nipple, and start shoving shit in her vagina.  As sick as this is, it is the best make up work I have ever seen, and I've seen more than I can count.  What makes this so believable is the quick cuts.  Not edits, no just cuts like we see a shot of our killer petting a dog, or clowning around for a few seconds.  This adds heavily to the realism, and sets a grim tone for whats to come.

The killing of a prostitute, murder of two guys from a tattoo parlor, a convenience store killing, and more, are what you are in store for.  I don't want to go into great detail, as I do in my other reviews because I don't want to give anything away.  Granted I just told you what your going to see, but you have to see this film to believe it.  And you will believe it.  No credits, no opening, no ending.  Just the start of a tape, and a cut out at the end.  Some people complained about that.  Those people are true idiots.  The point of this is to make it seem real.  It's not like a killer is going to go on his computer and make DVD menus of his killings, or even try to add plot.  Well maybe he would.  There are a lot of weirdos out there.

  Acting is top notch.  Like I said before make up is the best ever.  If you dig gore you would be disappointed.  If you want to fell slightly dirty you wont be disappointed either.  My only complaint is the amount of talking in the Convenience store scene.  It was slightly laughable, but maybe it was supposed to be.  Killers have a sense of humor too.  If you dont beleive me, my wife has a masters degree in Forensics Pathology, and she agreed it was the most realistic thing she has ever watched. 

  This is the 1st film in a trilogy.  I will review part 2 in the next few days.  I highly recommend this film.  Google it, it has a tone of controversy, some is justified, but at the end of the day it's only a movie.  A movie like no other, but a movie non the less.  You cant get this at Best Buy, or Walmart, but you can get it from Toe Tag Pictures.  Please take the time to check it out and support this company.  Most horror films now a day are remakes, or just flat out unoriginal.  These independent company's are our only hope for a new generation of horror films.  Help them out.  I did, and I recommend you do the same.  I guarantee you wont be disappointed.

Overall 4 out of 5 Stars!

Toe Tag Pictures site

So sorry/ another list

I hate having a sinus infection. It keeps you from sleeping, makes your head and teeth hurt, and worse prevents you from watching movies. I am feeling better tonight and will post a full review tomorrow but for now enjoy this list. And please respond back with some of your opinions

10 best films ever made
10)Cobra
9)The Crow
8)Death Race(statham version)
7)Grandmas Boy
6)Heathers
5)Shoot Em Up!
4)Goodfellas
3)American History X
2)Scarface
1)Casino

Back tomorrow with a new review

Toolbox Murders

Plot Synopsis: Ski-masked maniac kills apartment complex tenants with the contents of a toolbox.

  I love old horror films.  By old I mean late 70's early 80's, before the MPAA became censor happy.  The older films had gratuitous nudity, and lots of gore.  Not piles of it like now to make it almost laughable, but gory, bloody killings.  The Toolbox Murders had all of this.

  Toolbox centers around the world stupidest killer.  I say this because he drives around at night looking for victims.  He stops at an apartment complex, gets out of his car, gets a toolbox, and walks past a handful of people.  He enters an apartment, and kills a drunk, ugly woman.  He uses a power drill, and rips her up good.  When he's done he puts on a ski mask,  Yes, when he's finished.  Basically this woman saw him, which I guess doesn't matter as she's dead, but the people he walked by did.  So then with his crooked mask on he walks down the hallway and knocks on another girls door.  When she answers he drags her out, takes her to an empty stairwell and caves her skull in with a hammer.  Pretty blood scene again.  Then our mentally challenged killer picks up her lifeless body, and carry hers back to her apartment.  I have no idea why he didn't just kill her in her apartment in the first place.  Her roommate shows up but is quickly stabbed with a screwdriver.  Our killer, who's ski mask is still on crooked then looks out the window to watch some girls in different apartments dance around by their respective windows.  He then leaves with his ski mask on.  So to recap.  The killer walks around in public and kills one person without hiding his identity, then puts a mask on crooked, kills two more, then leaves with the mask on.  Guess I'm the only person who would be suspicious of a masked guy walking past me in downtown LA during the summer.

  So now the cops show up and interview the apartment manger, who acts surprised, and gives the cops a list of all the old tenants.  So the next night a very attractive red head decides to take a bath.  She must have been dirty, because we watch her clean herself for like 4 minutes.  And yes, shes completely naked.  As she is getting clean she decides to get dirty as well and starts masturbating.  About this time, the worlds most annoying killer, I say that because this was a good scene, shows up with his mask on wrong and mows her down with a nail gun, that is of course after he missed her like 4 times, and has to keep reloading it.  As he's already got his mask on he goes next door and grabs another girl.  He chokes her out, and takes her with him.  He must have ran out of nails trying to kill the other girl.  Well this chicks brother shows up, he lives with her, and knows somethings wrong because there;s a diet Pepsi on the floor.  That, and when they find the body downstairs and his sister is gone, he figures out something is wrong.  So he tells the cops he thinks the killer grabbed her, but they tell him he needs more proof than a spilled Pepsi.  If only she drank Coke.

  Unfortunately here is where the film really slows to a crawl.   As the girls brother looks like a dim witted version of Fred from Scooby Doo he thinks hes a junior detective.  Luckily the cops, and forensic team suck, as when he starts going to these murdered girls apartments, none of them have been cleaned.  So after watching this moron plod around for 15 minutes we cut to an apartment downtown and find our girl tied up and gagged while our killer talks to her while eating a Tootsie Roll pop.  He's nice though, he takes off her gag and brings her food.  In case you want to know the killer is the apartment manager.  You know the guy with access to all these rooms.  I guess the cops didn't think about that.

  The guy makes a good nut job, telling the girl how he cant lose her, and wanting to know what its like for her being tied up.  After about another 20minutes of just talk Fred, or whatever his name is, and his buddy find a tool box and start going through it, when, whats this, in the big swerve Fred's buddy pulls the classic pro wrestling double cross and dowses him with gas, and lights him on fire.  Turns out the killer is this guys family, also turns out this kid is bat shit crazy too as he kills our main killer, after they do battle over a doll in a wedding dress.  He then goes back to rape the girl, and then unties her and lays in bed with her hoping too spoon.  As shes been held captive, and raped, and not happy, and also as shes not tied up, she grabs some scissosr and kills the guy, then just walks down the street covered in blood as the credits roll.

So lets see, who would the biggest idiot here be.  The Apt. Manager, who doesn't know how to properly disguise himself before murdering someone.  His idiot family member, who after raping a girl he has captive keeps her untied to cuddle with her.  Fred from Scoob Doo as he doesn't know his freind is a killer.  The cops, because they have absolutely no clue, and don't even clean crime scenes.  Or finally the girl, who doesn't scream for help when shes ungagged.

Overall though this is a good film, a nasty treasure from the 70's so to speak.  It's a fine piece of exploitation.  Blood, violence, and nudity.  Very slow middle, but a great beginning, and nice end makes up for it.  It's supposedly based on a true story, but that has ben argued for years.  I recommend picking this one up.  Just be carefully, there was a remake done in the mid 2000's.  You want the original

Overall 3 out of 5 Stars.