Top 10 Best Action Films

I love action films.  They are probably my favorite type of film.  Unfortunately the good old USA doesn't make allot of good ones.  So you may notice a heavy Asian influence on this list.  And I will start off by saying, no one, no one, can do action like the great John Woo.

10.) Rapid Fire: Brando Lee proves hes better than his dad, yes I do really mean that, as he must defend himself from Mobsters, and crooked cops who are out to kill him

9.) The Crow: Brandon Lee again makes the list.  This time he plays a dead rock singer who comes back to avenge the murder of himself, and his girlfriend.  Fantastic dark comic book film, that sadly was Lee's last role.  He died during filming.

8.) The Killer: John Woo, the godfather of action films presents the tail of a hit man who is double crossed by his employers, and must team up with the cop who's after him.

7.) Death Race: The new Death Race, with my personal favorite tough guy, Jason Statham.  Not a remake, but a re-telling.  Statham is framed for the murder of his wife, and sent to a prison where they broadcast Death Race.  Which is exactly what it sounds like.  A race to the death, in cars equipped with weapons


6.) Hard Target: John Woos first American film, which stars Jean Claude Van Dam.  In this JCVD plays a Cajun, being hunter for sport by Lance Henrickson.  Out of this world Slow motion action scenes make this a must see.

5.) Rumble in the Bronx: The film that made Jackie Chan a house hold name in America.  Jackie comes to New York, which looks just like Canada in this film to help his uncle out in his grocery store.  Once there the store is terrorized by a biker gang.  Non stop action and stunt work.

4.) Transporter 2: Jason Statham does what Denzel Washington tried to do in Man on Fire, only better.  He must save a boy he has ben hired to drive to school, when the kid is injected with a deadly strain of virus.  Car chases, gun fights, amazing chase scene with a jet ski on a free way, and non stop martial arts action

3.) Drive: Not the new film with Ryan Gossling, no this stars Marc Decascos, Britney Murphy, and Dwayne Wane from a Different World.  Decascos stars as man with a chip inside him that can enhance his reflexes.  Hes on the run from hit men who want the chip.  This features the best martial arts fight scenes in film history.


2.) Face Off: John Woo returns with the best action film ever made in America.  John Travolta, and Nicholas Cage star as two men who trade faces. A revolutionary medical technique allows an undercover agent to take the physical appearance of a major criminal and infiltrate his organization.  Both actors get a chance to play the hero and villain.  This has some of the best choreographed action scenes in film history.

1.) Hard Boiled: John Woo does it again.  This time an undercover agent teams with a street tough cop to bring down a ruthless criminal organization.  This is every action fans wet dream.  Over 2 hours of gun fights, chases, explosions, you name it.  Sliding down stairs with firing two guns is amazing to watch here.  The ending features a 20 minute plus shoot out at a morgue, that must be scene to be believed.

Top 10 Best Kids Films

Starting today, through next Sunday it will be Top 10 Week here at Big Kahuna Movie Reviews.  As many readers know I have a two and a half year old son.  Because of this I watch a lot of kids movies.  It's cool though because most of them are fantastic.  Hell, theres a few that really tug at the heart strings.  I had to fight back the tears in a few of them.  So here I present the top 10 Best Children's films

10.) Lady And The Tramp:  Every one knows this story.  Rich Cocker Spaniel meets a stray mutt, and they fall in love.  Its as good today at age 37, as it was when I was 5.  It's a fantastic film.  But the words Disney, and Fantastic go hand in hand.

9.) Up: Ok, the 1st 20minutes of this film is incredibly depressing.  But once you get past that its a very funny and heartwarming film about an old man named Carl who rigs his house with balloons so he can float off to Paradise Falls.  Unfortunately for Carl a little boy named Russel who's trying to get a Scout Badge.  Together they encounter Bad Guys, Talking dogs, and a giant Skype named Kevin.

8.) Toy Story: When Andy is not around his toys come to life.  Tom Hanks is Sheriff Woody, and he becomes very jealous when Andy's new toy Buzz Lightyear, voiced by Tim Allen comes to live with them.

7.) Monsters Inc.: Billy Crystal and John Goodman provide the voices for Mike and Sully.  Sully is the top scarer for the Monsters Inc. Company.  A company that uses children's screams to power their world.  When Sully accidental brings back a little 2 year old girl named "Boo" back to their world he soon learns that scaring kids is not a good thing.

6.) Toy Story 2: This is a great film, especially if your a toy collector such as myself.  Woody get stolen by Big Al from Big Al's Toy Barn and is going to be sold to a museum in Japan.  Its up to Buzz and the rest of the toys to save him.

5.) Monster House: This is an awesome cartoon about a house that is haunted by the ghost of the owners dead wife.  Anyone who gets close to the house gets eaten.  As Halloween is coming up, and there will be Trick or Treaters everywhere.  DJ, Chowder, and Jenny, three kids from the neighborhood, team up to stop the house.  This has fantastic voice work by Jason Lee, Steve Busemme, Kevin James, and Kathleen Turner.

4.) How to Train Your Dragon: Hiccup is a young Viking, who is absolutely horrible at everything.  His village is raided by dragons on a daily basis, and one night he manages to capture a Dragon Fury who he names Toothless.  He let's it go, and the two become friends.  This is just a beautiful cartoon.  I must admit it is very touching, and almost brought my wife to tears twice.  I didn't cry but I did get choked up.

3.) Toy Story 3:  Andy is all grown up, and going to college.  So when Woody, Buzz, and the rest of the toys feel like they are no longer wanted they end up at Sunny Side Daycare.  Problem is the daycare is run by Lotso Hug 'N' Bear, who is as evil as they come.  Woody, must save Buzz and the rest of the gang, great escape style.  This is actually the first animated film my son watched.  He loves it.  He has Toy Story toys, clothes, stuffed animals, pajamas, plates, cups, chairs, you name it.  This film had me fighting back the tears towards the end.  My wife couldn't fight them back.  She cried.

2.) Despicable Me: Gru wants to steal the world and be the worlds greatest Super Villain.  So with the help of his Minions, which are weird hot dog shaped yellow things that speak gibberish, he adopts 3 little girls to help him achieve this.  Only thing standing in his way is another new villain named Vector.  This is probably the funniest animated film I have ever seen.  I laugh my ass off every time I watch it.  Nothing really here to tug the heart strings, just a great animated comedy for kids, and adults

1.) The Iron Giant: This is without a doubt, in my opinion the best children's cartoon ever made.  Its set during the cold war and centers around a little boy named Hogarth Hughes.  He finds a giant alien robot voiced by Vin Diesel, and decides to befriend him.  He keeps the giant hidden, as the government is looking for it to destroy, as they believe its a weapon.  The boy and the robot become friends, but eventually the government finds them both.  I wont lie.  I could not hold the tears back during this one.  No one can.  I am getting choked up thinking about the end of the film.  I wont give it away though.  Just buy it.  It's like 10.00 at Amazon.

Reform School Girls

Plot Synopsis: Jenny is sent to a women's reform school. It is run by evil warden Sutter and her henchwoman Edna. Jenny will stop at nothing to escape but she also has to deal with Charlie the bully 

 There are two types of film lovers out there.  Ones who don't like to think when they watch a film, and ones who do.  The later would consist mostly of idiots.  If you want to think, read a book.  If you don't, watch Reform School Girls.  The best women in prison film ever made.

Reform School Girls is the story of Jenny, a girl who gets sentenced to Reform School for being involved in a shoot out when her boyfriend tries to rob a warehouse, or some type of building.  Not important.  See the robbery, shoot out, and court scene only takes about 2 minutes total, then off to Reform School.  Once there Jenny, and a few other new girls have to go and get washed down, as to make sure they don't have any body lice.  Full frontal nudity baby, and were only 4 minutes in.  See, thinking if for morons. 

We are then introduced to Edna, the fat, lesbian head of the ward who keeps the girls in line.  One of the new girls is named Lisa.  She's not all there, but hot, and carries around a stuffed bunny.  It belonged to her now dead brother.  See she got sent to reform school because she ran away from her foster parents, after they locked her and her little brother in a hot box, and her brother died.  I bet you didn't know you could get locked up for running away.  Shouldn't her foster parents have gotten sent to jail, and she could have went to a new family? Ohh well.  Edna doesn't let her keep her stuffed bunny, and eventually lights it on fire.

Around this time Jenny runs into Charlie, played by Plasmatics lead singer Wendy O Williams.  Here lies my only problem with this film.  Wendy has probably the nicest set of boobs this side of 80's Adrian Barbeau, but she looks 40.  Come to think of it she was 37 years old at the time of this film.  What the hell kind of crime did this bitch commit?  Most people get out of reform school when they turn 18, or worst case scenario 21.  Well Charlie, and her girls run the unit, and get special privileges from Edna.  That's mainly because Charlie sexually pleasures Edna.  Jenny, and Charlie don't get along so a cat fight ensues.  Lots of cat fights take place.  So do lots of shower scenes.

Jenny, and the new girls have to see the schools shrink, who trys to help them.  Jenny tells her of all the horrible things that are taking place.  Personally I think she should have kept her mouth shut. She could have just kept quiet, and gotten into more catfights in the shower. The girls have to go and do manual labor out in a field somewhere.  This makes no sense.  They just keep raking the same piece of dirt for hours.  But its cool, they get nice and hot in the sun, and have too cool off.  They find a cat, and Lisa names it after her dead brother, and sneaks it back to the dorm.  Too bad Edna finds it and stops it to death.  Also while they are working in the hot sun, getting nice an sweaty Jenny hits on the guy who drives them there.  He tells her to meet him in his truck after light out, and he will help her escape.  She goes to his truck, and they have, wait for it, 80's style sex.  Music, quick shots, and lots of boobs.  When he's done he tells the guard shes in the back, and she gets busted, then tortured by Edna.  Meanwhile Lisa cant take the death of her cat, and her stuffed animal for that matter and dives off the tower in the yard killing herself.

  Jenny can take no more, and decides to inform the shrink of everything going on, and agrees to testify in court against the reform school.  Shame Edna finds out and hoses her down until shes basically catatonic, and cant talk.  But don't worry just as the hearing against the warden starts Jenny breaks out and leads all the other girls in a full scale riot.  Edna tries to stop them with a shot gun, that must have come from another planet, as she fires 37 shots without ever reloading.  By this time Charlie has had her fill of Edna, steals a bus and runs it into the tower Edna is standing on and kills her.  We then see Jenny getting released while some fresh young things are going in.

Once again, I love this film.  I loved it when I was 12 because, I was 12, and it had boobies.  I have loved it ever sense.  Whats not to like? I mean this was fantastic.  I mean even the girls reform school outfits were slutty looking.  We got to see these girls shower so much, none of them were ever too dirty.  They fought, with plenty of hair tossing around.  And the soundtrack was mostly done by Williams, who I was always a fan of.  I showed it to my wife back when we were dating, and she even had a good time watching it.  Hell I watch it at least twice a year if not more.  You have to check it out.  Unless you want to think.  If that's the case watch Citizen Cane, just remember, that film has no boobies.

Overall 4out of 5 Stars.

Tuff Turf

Plot Synopsis: A new kid at school must battle a vicious gang when he falls for the leaders girlfriend

  It's ben a few weeks sense my last review, so I thought I would review an old favorite of mine from the 80's  Tuff Turf!  Forget that Sixteen Candles, and Weird Science crap, this is where its at.  Sex, violence, sleaze, and a bad guy who looks like David Hess's son.  Oh yea, it stars James Spader, and Robert Downey Jr.

  Tuff Turf centers around Morgan Hiller, played by James Spader.  He comes from a rich family, who for one reason or another, are now poor.  See his dad lost his job, and they had to move to the hood.  They never said what his dad used to do, but now he's a cab driver.  Which brings me to wonder, could his dad not have gotten a cab driver job back where they lived before?  So Spader rides around the seedy parts of town at night on his 10 speed bike, guess his dad sold his car, when he stumbles across Little David Hess's gang robbing some old guy.  Morgan breaks it up and peddles off, so he can go home and get some sleep before his first day at a new school.  See where this is going yet?

Well when he peddles into his new school, who do we see also attends?  Yes David Hess Jr.'s gang.  Hess Jr. is actually Nick, the leader of a tough street gang that runs the school.  Not much of a gang.  he just has three other members, and his smoking hot 80's slut style girlfriend.  So Morgan meets Robert Downey Jr in class and the two become best friends.  Downey even invites Morgan to see his band play later that night.  As the two BFF's are leaving Nick and his gang spray paint Morgan, and smash his bike.  Morgan doesn't seem to care as he's busy staring at Nicks slut Frankie.  Bad choice in names.  I went to school with a girl named Frankie.  She was a fat bag of yeast.  Ugly as a CHUD.  But this chick is hot.

So later Morgan steals a car and drives off to see Downey's band play.  In a cool twist, all the music is from Jim Carrol Band.  Can you guess who shows up as well?  That's right Nicks gang.  They don't see Morgan at first, as hes busy dancing with Frankie.  80's dancing baby.  You know where everyone is dancing completely in sync.  Well they grab Morgan, beat him down, and steal his car.  Problem is, he stole the car in the first place, so Nick and his gang get pulled over and arrested for car theft.  This was just a dumb scene though, as nick and his boys already had a car. 

Seeing as how Nick and his boys are sitting in jail, Morgan decides to start romancing Frankie.  He picks her up in Nicks car, see the guy never should have left it parked by that club, and takes her to a country club, then a jazz bar.  I have to say this was a huge slow down to the film.  It goes on for like 20minutes, and is just very boring.  But the action picks up when Nick and boys trap Morgan in the locker room at school, and beat the shit out of him.  Its actually a cool scene.  they take towels and load then up with locks, then just whip the shit out of him.

Later that night Nick proposes to Frankie, and as he looks like David Hess, she has no choice but to say yes.  So when Morgan finds out about this, he does what any man would do.  He asks her to have dinner with him at his parents house.  Yea, sounds dumb, but its going somewhere,  See Nick and his guys see her there, and when she leaves they ask he to help them rob some shmuck, like they were doing in the opening scene.  She says yes, until the shmuck in question is Morgan's dad.  She freaks out, so Nick and his guys attack.  Well, its not much of an attack.  Morgan's dad actually beats the shit out of all of them until Nick shoots him.   Whoich makes me wonder, if a 50 year old fat guy can beat the crap out of all of these guys, why was everyone afraid of them?

  She calls Morgan from the hospital to tell him what happened, and rather then stay by his dads bedside he takes her home to have sex with her.  80's sex.  You know where you hear the slow music as the girl gets naked, then you see a few random sex scene shots before it fades out and you have to uses your imagination.  Well Nick sees this, which proves he has no life and just sits outside Morgans house and watches him, and flips out.  He beats down Frankie's dad, and smacks the shit out of her as well.  Then he calls Morgan, and tells him to meet him at the warehouse in 20 minutes.  I wonder how Morgan knew what warehouse to go to.

  Anyway Morgan shows up, and the 80's fight ensues, with Morgan holding his own until Nicks gang grabs him.  Just as Nick is going to shoot him, Robert Downey Jr. shows up with two doberman pincher's and evens the odds.  So Nick, and Morgan have, what is actually a cool fight scene that features, swinging from a rope, a board with nails, an axe, a gun, and a fair amount of blood.  Not only does Morgan win, he actually kills Nick, then takes Frankie to the jazz club as the credits play.

  Great film.  Spader was actually a bad ass pretty boy.  Robert Downey is fantastic in everything. Kim Richards, as Frankie cant act, but who cares.  She was hot. And Paul Mones as Nick was effective, based on the fact he looked like David Hess's son.  The soundtrack is good, and I love that fact its not your typical 80's high school film.  Its pretty hardcore in spots.  Highly recommended.

Overall 3 out of 5 Stars!

Human Centipede 2

Plot Synopsis: Inspired by the fictional Dr. Heiter, disturbed loner Martin dreams of creating a 12-person centipede and sets out to realize his sick fantasy

  First off let me say sorry for the lack of updates.  I pride myself on doing one review daily, but my 2 year old son was sick, and he comes before anything.  Well he started feeling better yesterday so that gave my wife and I a change to sit down and watch Human Centipede 2

  Ok I have to say Human Centipede was a great film.  I covered it a week or so back.  But all things considered it was rather tame.  Tom Six, the Director promised part 2 would make part one look like "My Little Pony".  He had to cut out 18 scenes to even get the film considered for release.  It was banned outright in the UK.  So my wife and I were very curious to see it.

  Human Centipede 2 centers around a God ugly fat, and ugly asthmatic man named Martin who works security, or something like that in an underground parking garage.  He sits around all day watching Human Centipede and writing notes on how to make his own centipede.  Every time he notices someone in the garage he cracks them in the head with a crowbar, duck tapes them and takes them to an abandoned building.  This is actually the only problem I have with the film.  Why was no one ever reported missing, and the last place they were seen was this garage?  I mean he was grabbing people left and right.  Also doesn't anyone there watch security tapes?  He's in plain view of all these cameras.  Oh well.

  When he's not busy watching his Human Centipede DVD, or capturing people he sits at home without his shirt on, which is way nastier than anything else in this films, and gets yelled at by his mom.  he also hears his dead, or just plan gone dad's voice.  But its ok, he has a pet centipede.  See he's so obsessed with the movie, he plans on making his own.  But as he has so much free time on his hands, he wants to link 12 people together.  So throughout the first hour he manages to capture 12 people, and just flat out kill 4 more, his mom included.  That's not a bad thing.  She was a real bitch.  The one highlight from this, is that he convinces Ashlynn Yennie from Human Centipede 1 that she can come to the UK to audition for the new Quinton Tarentino film.  When she gets there he takes here captive as well.

  Well like in the first film, he has to connect everyone ass to mouth, and remove there knee caps, so they can crawl like a real centipede.  Problem is, he's no surgeon, just some nut bad, with a scalpel, staple gun, and duck tape.  So for the next 25 minutes you see him remove nee caps, cut out tongues, staple people ass to mouth, and then if that's not enough he has to feed them.  He does that by shoving a feeding tube down the first girls mouth and filling her with soup, and then some ex lax for good measure.  He wants everyone to poop (Remember I think poop sounds funnier than shit) so bad he gives them all ex lax, and even rubs there tummy's.  I think you can see where this is going.  I don't want to say anymore, because I don't want to give away the ending.  But I will say, you get to see a woman deliver a baby, a centipede in the ass, toungs cut out, and bullets in the head.

  A few thing I must say.  Laurence Harvey did a fantastic job as Martin.  He never speaks.  He simply coughs, grunts, and takes his asthma inhaler.  He cries a few times, but never utters a word.  And he is creepy, and greasy as all hell.  The concept is fantastic, thinking a real nut case could be inspired by a film like Human Centipede and even try to copy it.  The film is entirely shot in black and white.  Which gives it a creepy, yet acid trippy Eraserhead feel.  And yes, it is 10 times more disgusting than part 1.  Does it live up to all the hype?  Of course not, theres no way it could have.  I recommend checking it out.  It's currently playing on In Demand.  I will be waiting for the uncut version, as I have read about some of the things they cut out, and I am curious how may gore shots were cut down.  All in all though a good film, that I highly recommend.

Overall 3 out of 5 Stars!

Blair Witch Project

Plot Synopsis: Three film students travel to Maryland to make a student film about a local urban legend... The Blair Witch. 

 Blair Witch is the low budget film that paved the way for the modern cheap scare films like Paranormal Activity.  As you recall from my past review I hate Paranormal Activity.  I'm not a fan of Blair Witch either.  I saw it in the theatre and thought it was kind of cool, so I bought the DVD.  I fell asleep and was never able to watch it again.

  3 Stupid film students go in search of The Blair Witch.  See years ago, 1940 actually some crazy old guy kidnapped a group of kids, took them to his house, tortured them, then made them stare at a corner, you know like when you put a kid in time out, while one was killed.  He turned himself in and said he was possessed by the Blair Witch.  Cool story, they even meet a crazy lady who says she met the witch.  Once again, I am sick of townsfolk being crazy.  Someone one day will make a movie where the townsfolk aren't brain dead rapists. 

  Anyway these 3 annoying kids, who do nothing but say "fuck" every other word meet a hunter who tells then the woods are haunted.  As this guy looks like a mouth breather, they camp in the woods.  See if it was a normal intelligent member of the town they probably would have stayed away thus preventing the next God Awful 50 minutes.   And I do mean awful.  They hear noises, so they yell and cuss.  Then the next day they walk around cussing more.  That night they hear more noises, and continue to cuss.  Then they find some stick figures, and cuss.  That night, they cuss again.  They walk around more while they cuss. 

  Then something happens, kind of.  The one guy disappears.  They cuss about that.  So then the girl cry's and cusses into her camera.  She then hears noises, and cusses again.  They think they hear the missing guy and run to a house.  They split up, while cussing and when the girl goes into the basement she sees one guy with his back to the wall in time out, and her camera drops, she screams, the end.

Don't get me wrong, I have a filthy mouth.  But come on, profanity is basically the only dialogue you hear.  They walk around just like Lord of the Rings, going nowhere.  And obviously I'm not the only person too hate these kids.  They were gone for like 5 days and no one bothered to come looking for them. The handheld gimmick wears thin fast, and you start to get motion sick after a while.  And all and all I just hate the girl so much, I got even madder when I didn't see her die.  I guess the only good thing that came out of this was the parody scene of the girl in the woods in Scary Movie.  Don't bother with this.  Just film a friend of yours walking around there back yard yelling "Fuck" and you have this film.

Overall 1 out of 5 Stars!

Last House on a Dead End Street

Plot Synopsis: After being released from prison, a young gangster with a chip on his shoulder decides to punish society by making snuff films 

 You know, I've seen Last House on a Dead End Street quite a few times in my life.  Ive always wondered if it was the most artistic horror film ever made, and just a cheap, vile piece of filth.  I watched it again today, and really studied it.  I came to the conclusion that it's somewhere right in the middle.

  House is about a lowlife named Terry who is fresh out of prison.  He talks about giving away so much of his life.  In all actuality he was sentenced to one year.  He decides he's going to make movies.  Different, dangerous films.  Harder than porn.  To do this though he needs a crew.  he gets his old pal Ken who works at a slaughterhouse.  During this narration you see a cow getting killed.  See Ken spent some time in the crazy house for having sex with a cat.  You don't see this, although it would have probably been more entertaining.  See lots of this film is done in narrative form.  Something I am not that big on.  Anyway he also goes and gets a couple of whores, well junkies actually and a guy named Bill to be his camera man.  They learn about a porn producer who films weird sex stuff for rich people, and go to check it out.

  The party is actually a girl in a gimp mask getting whipped by a hunchback.  Not very sexy, at least not in my eyes.  So this porn producer hooks up with Terry, who tells him they are going to do something real different and dangerous.  See Terry wants to make snuff films.  You know real people being really killed.  But they do them in a weird way.  They have a guy tied up, two girls make out with him, then Terry puts on a giant Zeus looking mask and choked the guy to death.  We then find him banging on of the girls and telling her it looked real because it was.

  Our producer shows up on set only to get tied up while Terry, wearing his giant mask has a girl tied but.  She gets branded, then killed.  Well now our producer knows this is real, so rather than kill him Terry forces him to direct another film..  He runs off so they kill him.  Then all at once we see a girl tied up on a table.  She gets her face sliced up, leg sawed off, and her intestine ripped out with pliers.

In another weird scene a girl unzips her jeans to reveal a horse hoof or something sticking out of her pants, and a guy is forced to blow it.  He then gets taken out with a power drill.  Then suddenly you hear narration saying that Terry and his group were apprehended and taken to the state pen.

Wow, sounds weird right?  It is.  It is low budget beyond belief.  Like imagine if you and 5 guys went to an abandoned building with a super 8 camera and made a film.  That's what this looks like.  It is nasty.  Bloody killings, and tons of nudity add to the sleaze factor.  Also the other thing it has going for it is the legend factor.  See this is one of the most sought after horror films ever.  It was long thought lost and only very crappy VHS copies were floating around.  Barrel Entertainment did a fantastic job of putting out a 2 disc DVD set a few years back, with interviews, tons of extras, and even a booklet.  Problem is that's long out of print now as well.  This film, sells for over $100.00.  Should you buy it?  I cant in good faith recommend spending more than 20.00 for it.  Its cool, and sleazy, but artsy and cheap.  A very weird blend.

Overall 2 out of 5 Stars!