Sunday, October 2, 2011

Texas Chainsaw Massacre

 Plot Synopsis:  Five friends visiting their grandpa's old house are hunted down and terrorized by a chainsaw wielding killer and his family of grave-robbing cannibals. 

   It's considered one of the scariest films ever made.  It's considered one of the most terrifying things captured on film.  It's considered a masterpiece of horror.  Guess my opinion doesn't matter in these polls.  I consider this film dull, yet funny.  Yes funny, and yes, I am talking about the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
  It centers around a group of dumb kids, well young adults is more like it.  And to be fair, this is one of the first films to use this concept.  There driving along in there shitty ass van when they decide to pick up a hitch hiker.  Not a hot chick, or a normal looking guy, this guy looks like bad news.  Dirty, creepy, psychotic, you name it.  Turns out he is nuts and cuts the fat guy in a wheelchair with his pocket knife.  The scooby doo gang throws him out of there crappy Mystery Machine van and drives off to an old farm house.  While there they decide to go and check out the other houses in the area.  Bad move.
  The first house they get to is the home of Leatherface and his family.  Leatherface is played by Gunner Hansen.  I've met him, he's a cool guy.  That does not however change my opinion of this film.  He conks the one kid with a hammer, and hangs the girl up on a meat hook.  Sorry, I forgot, he's called Leatherface because he wears human skin over his face.  Should they have called him Human Skin Guy, or Flesh Face?  Well turns out hes the brother of the psycho hitch hiker, hell turns out he has a whole family.  See they kill people and turn them into head cheese.  yes, the kind you eat.  Leatherface is the cook. The psycho hitchhiker is the other cook, and there older brother sells the stuff to various stores, I think.  At least that what your lead to believe. 
  So we cut back to the other farm where the annoying fat crippled guy, and an equally annoying girl are still wandering around when Leatherface shows up and kills them.  At least he was smart enough to take out the witnesses.  Not that they saw anything, they just needed to die.  I actually cheer when the fat crippled guy gets killed.  Something about him bothered me.  I think its the whole annoying fat thing.
  Anyway we go back to Leatherfaces house where its dinner time.  So they get their grampa who is like 150 years old and bring him down to kill the girl they still have.  She screams the whole time.  The whole freaking time.  I remember hating this film for years because of the fact all this girl does is scream for like 20 minutes.  They say grandpa is the best killer in the group and give him a hammer to crack her over the skull.  But he's so frickin ass old he keeps dropping it.  This goes on for like 5 minutes, until finally she just pushes herself free and runs off screaming.  Yes, she still hasn't shut up.  She runs to the road and a trucker stops to ask whats wrong, but instead of telling him she just screams.  So then Leatheface shows up, and instead of her hopping in the truck and them driving off from the chainsaw wielding maniac, they just decide to run down the street.  Leatherface gets grazed, falls, and in a cool scene chainsaws his own leg.  Then the film ends.  Guess they ran out of money.
  This is considered a classic.  Classic pile of crap is more like it.  It makes no sense why these guys would pick up a scurvy hitchhiker, less sense why they would walk to an old farmhouse, and even less sense that this family makes head cheese out of people.  What the hell is scary about this.  Follow me here.  pretend I;m pitching this film to a studio.  "Hey I have an idea to make a move about a family that makes head cheese out of human beings.  And theres a whole family of them.  The cook will wear skin on his face and cross dress."  The response would probably be "That sounds hysterical, let's see what Kevin James is working on."  Yea, sorry, I forgot to mention Leatherface wears makeup.  Like eyeshadow, lipstick, blush.  Yea, terrifying. 
  I am willing to bet everyone reading this, has seen this film.  Most of you probably like it. I don't, but I recommend watching it just to say you have seen it.

Overall 1 out of 5 stars! 

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